Satanic Bargain No Longer a Guarantee of a Smooth Marriage?

Suspected visually-impaired songstress Christina Aguilera, entering the second year of her extremely charitable marriage to Jordan “Faust” Bratman, told reporters recently that wedded life hasn’t been all noses roses so far:

I think it is hard. You are surprised and disappointed by certain things in your first year. I think the biggest misconception is that everything is going to be perfect and nothing will go wrong.

When asked to name some of the more challenging aspects of life with Bratman, Aguilera mentioned the following:

• Explaining to him again about why it’s impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, even if your spaceship was fueled by the blood of a million ground-up Carl Lewises
• Playing along with the excuse that he only paid Kevin Federline $40 million for that sex video “to make fun of it”
• Having to mop up the guano left by the family of bats living in his nostrils
• A tense post-it note correspondence consisting of “The dishes are Dirrty,” followed by “Well you’re Uggly”
• Asking herself “What a Girl Wants” and realizing the answer is not “a husband who looks like the mutant offspring of Pee-Wee Herman, Barbara Streisand, and Jamie Farr”
• Convincing her label to fund the debut album of Bratman, Federline, Phillippe, Oates, Messina, and Garfunkel
• Accepting that she’s taken this nose to be her lawful wedded nose, for noser or for noser, in nose and in nose, as long as they both shall nose nose my God would you believe the size of that freaking honker?
• Agreeing to name her firstborn Jortina Bratguilerman
• Confronting the fact that in spite of the title of her hit song, there are in fact many, many, other men

This entry was posted on Monday, November 13th, 2006 at 6:03 pm and is filed under Celebriwhores, Marriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.