Baby, Baby, Don’t Get Cooked On Me

An Ohio woman, apparently not content with her life of Midwestern boredom and non-child murdering, was arrested yesterday after police investigators determined she may have placed her infant daughter in the family microwave.

This follows news of a Canadian man who will stand trial for placing his girlfriend’s feverish 10-month-old daughter in the freezer.

Folks, since you’re obviously not getting the message, the Junkiness Foundation is happy to provide this definitive baby-placing guide for parents.

Safe locations for your baby:

• Crib
• Child safety seat
• Floating on a lily pad
• Nuzzling at the bosom of capitalism
• Uncle Elmer’s lap—no really, it’s totally cool, he just loves kids
• An expensive Montessori school, preferably one which serves food made from poorer children
• On top of John Goodman’s car

Unsafe locations for your baby:

• Microwave oven
• Toaster oven
• Convection oven
• An oven of any kind, is basically what we’re saying
• Neverland
• The deteriorating American public schools
• A Joyce Carol Oates novel
• Abu Ghraib (The gift shop is OK, though)
• Britney Spears’ car, house, or womb
• “Tom & Katie’s Dianetikids® Day Camp & Indoctrination Center”
• On Dick Cheney’s plate, drenched in butter and savory herbs
• Within 1000 feet of Andy Dick
• Church
• Thunderdome
• New Jersey

This community-service message brought to you by The Junkiness Foundation: A Dedication to Health, Hope, and Heroin.™

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 28th, 2006 at 4:53 pm and is filed under Babies, Crime, Douchebags, We're going to Hell for this. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.