Ask Uncle Junky!

Today, we inaugurate a new feature on Junkiness—it’s a chance for you, the readers, to send your pressing questions for elucidation by the Sagacious Sleuth of Salacious Scoops, Uncle Junky! Want to know who’s hot and who’s snot? Wondering which powerful Hollywood Jew killed your movie project? Need help sorting through the lies, damn lies, and nipple slips of the entertainment media? Uncle Junky’s on the case. Let’s begin!

Uncle Junky,

What gives with all the celebrities flashing their hoo-hahs for all the world to see lately? First that Hilton skank, then LiLo, and now that previous paragon of virginal (or vaginal) virtue, Brit-Brit—and three times in one week, no less! Is this the new coming-of-age ritual for starlets? Can pantiless pics of ScoJo or HilDuf or CondRice be far behind?

— Scarred in Scarsdale

Scarred, what you need to understand about Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears is that these women are whores. They would as soon wave their unclothed ladyparts before your horrified eyes as look at you. Also, the trend you describe is clearly an example of being careful what you wish for—in this case, your most ardent desire of five years ago has become your brightly-lit nightmare of today, and a vision which once seemed mysterious and unattainable has now caused you to throw up in my throw-up.

Another compelling possibility is that these focaccia-flashers are not humans at all, but the advance scouts of an extraterrestrial invasion force, and what at first glance seems to be a bald coochie is in fact a breathing hole, or perhaps some sort of alien camera or radioactive slime-ray. In any case, I’d advise against looking directly at them, unless you want space-clap on your retinas. Now, if our sultry Secretary of State should choose to “air it out,” on the other hand—I can only say that your Uncle Junky would need an extra can of Crisco that night.

Uncle Junky,

Brooke Shields supposedly gave Katie Holmes “something old” for her wedding to Tom Cruise—whose radioactive slime-ray do I have to suck to find out what it was?

—Wondering in Weehawken

Good question, Wondering—your Uncle J-nay has it on good authority that “something old” was Andre Agassi. In case you were curious, “something new” was Tom’s attraction for human women, “something borrowed” was Leah Remini’s sex appeal, and “something blue” was Stephen Dorff, who once again missed the cut for ABC’s 10 Most Fascinating People, although he sits proudly atop the 10 Skeeviest Mouth-Breathers.

Confidential to Worried in Washington: I would suggest Chesapeake Bay, but be sure to weigh down “the package” adequately to avoid an unpleasant surprise for beachgoers. Then tell the cops you overheard Pelosi tell him, “I have an idea where you can put that, big boy!”

Got a burning question about news, gossip, or heroin? Send it to junkinessblogATgmailDOTcom, and we’ll have an answer before you can say, “Die Uncle Junky, you communist homo!”

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 29th, 2006 at 5:39 pm and is filed under Ask Uncle Junky, Celebriwhores, Marriage, Nakedness, Shots at Stephen Dorff. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.