TMZ Forecast: 100% Chance of Death

In a column with the triple-threat title “In The Zone: Z-Spin: The Real Deal,” on TMZ.com, site editor and former Celebrity Justice producer Harvey Levin announced today that Someone Else Will Die.

Referring to the recent demise of a passenger in a car driven by some famous dude, Levin predicted that “Someone else is going to die, and it will happen sooner rather than later.”

While acknowledging his website’s role in spreading the joy of celebriwhores behaving badly, Levin notes solemnly,

I’m not trying to preach, and I will readily admit that TMZ has prospered off the antics of a group of young celebrities… But the line has been crossed. The dark side of Hollywood has been revealed in the last month.

I know, I was shocked when Rip Torn got arrested, too—but who is to blame for this dark line-crossing, Harv? Enlighten us!

These celebs, for the most part, have no compass to guide them. Look at Lindsay Lohan. Her dad used the revolving door at his local jail while her mom was at war with him when she wasn’t out partying. Lohan really didn’t stand a chance, and it’s sad.

… and now she’s broke, destitute, homeless, friendless, and pantiless. That’s Chinatown. (A spokesman for Lohan stated, “At least she isn’t spending Christmas in an oprhanage with Jude Law.”)

Now, we at Junkiness were all set to laugh this off as messianic grandstanding from a mock-journalistic corporate whore, but then came this shocking news:

Peter Boyle, the actor who transformed from an angry workingman in “Joe” to a tap-dancing monster in “Young Frankenstein” and finally the comically grouchy father on “Everybody Loves Raymond,” has died.

Harvey Levin is either clairvoyant, a genius, or a bullshitting stater of the obvious God. Please heed his words and reach out to a compass-lacking celebrity today. Pat her on the back. Give her some panties or a copy of Dianetics. It may be too late for Lindsay Lohan and Peter Boyle, but it’s not too late for Ed Begley.*

*Turns out it is.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 13th, 2006 at 6:44 pm and is filed under "Journalism", Celebriwhores, Death, Hollywood, No Shit. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.