Yes, Virginia, There is a Racist Clause

Lawmakers in Virginia were shocked, shocked when state legislator Frank D. Hargrove, an elderly white dude, suggested recently that African Americans should “get over” the issue of slavery:

Hargrove, 79, said slavery ended nearly 140 years ago with the Civil War and added that “our black citizens should get over it … are we going to force the Jews to apologize for killing Christ?”

In response, the Virginia State Assembly then introduced the following piece of legislation:

“WHEREAS, there exist many areas in which our non-white citizens may improve their standing; THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that each ethnic group take the actions outlined for it below, in order to form a more perfect Virginia:

African-Americans: A) Get over this slavery thing; B) enough with the hippity-hoppity rap music and baggy clothes and whatnot; C) get that young Cosby feller to stop tempting our white women with his topical humor and stylish sweaters; and D) your names are “Toby.”

Jews: Apologize for A) killing Christ; B) controlling the world’s finances and therefore being directly responsible for Uncle Ed’s Camaro getting repo’d; C) taking days off for crazy made-up holidays like “Yom Kippur” and “Hooray, We Killed Christ” Day; and D) brainwashing that fine white American Michael Richards into believing he’s one of you.

Mexicans: Sleeping under cacti shall henceforth be prohibited. Also you make too much money.

Gypsies: Stop sneaking into Grandma’s house and hiding her keys. She knows it was you!

Canadians: A) No more stealing sketch-comedy jobs from decent Americans; B) more effective anti-Sasquatch border patrols; and C) take some of our Mexicans. You can start with that hunky landscaper my wife is always staring at. Yeah, yeah, Puerto Rican, Mexican, whatever—you’re going to Toronto, Pancho. I said your name is “Pancho”!

Homosexuals: There is no such thing as a homosexual.

Yankee scum: Get that homosexual cocksucker Abe Lincoln off our money.”

The measure passed overwhelmingly, but the vote was later found to have been taken on “Hooray, We Killed Christ” Day.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 17th, 2007 at 4:12 pm and is filed under America!, Douchebags, Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.