‘Knot Quite Ready

Corey Taylor of Slipknot, better known as Some Guy from Some Band, recently spoke about the elaborate ritual he uses to prepare for performances with his group (which I’m told by my co-editors is “better known than Gwar, less than Incubus”):

The heavy rocker… admits he drinks three pots of coffee and smokes an entire pack of cigarettes the morning before a show, and then guzzles ice cold water backstage. He says, “…If you don’t warm up enough, you’re gonna stress it out. One of the songs I like to warm up with is Billy Joel’s She’s Got A Way.”

Not to be outdone, other famous performers have come forward to describe their own pre-show routines:

• Beyoncé: Sleeps late, watches TV, strolls to Hyperbaric Pressurized Titanium-Alloy Nuclear-Powered Mobile Armored Bootyliciousization Chamber, where her booty is kept under 24-hour armed surveillance until five minutes before performance
  
  

• Britney Spears: speaks foreign languages, backwards; masturbates with crucifix; rotates head 360 degrees while projectile vomiting; enjoys a Mountain Dew and some Laffy Taffy
  
  

• Frank Sinatra: lays there; decomposes; punches a photographer
  
  

• Christina Aguilera: stares at a photograph of her handsome husband, Jordan Bratman; thinks about how it was really much better to have married him than to have her family murdered by the mafia; washes hands over and over
  
  

• Bono: reads Utne Reader; sings warm-ups; enjoys a delicious shake made from the harvested organs of African famine victims
  
  

• Sting: does yoga; checks in on real Sting, who’s been held captive in basement since 1990; sips herbal tea while listening to his screams
  
  

• Fergie: Hoses off her “London Bridge,” attempts once again to raise it up, despite repeated warnings from her doctor that it is in fact permanently down
  
  

• P. Diddy: does yoga; checks in on real Sting, who’s been held captive in basement since 1990; sips herbal tea while listening to his screams
  
  

• Pussycat Dolls: test garter belt tension; tighten corsets; adjust bra straps; oh yeah, and some “singing” and shit, sure
  
  

• Billy Joel: sings entire works of Slipknot; just kidding, he’s never heard of Slipknot

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 6th, 2007 at 9:39 pm and is filed under Celebriwhores, Music, Weird Shit. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.