Say Goodbye to Yesterday

According to the world’s top braniacs, time travel may in fact be theoretically possible–but put aside your dreams of making out with your teenaged mother, because you can only travel into the future:

“Mathematically one can go backwards or forwards in the three spatial dimensions. But time doesn’t share this multi-directional freedom. In this four-dimensional space-time, you’re only able to move forward in time,” [astrophysicist Charles] Liu told LiveScience.

While this is an unfortunate development for those hoping to one day visit a time when Chevy Chase was funny, or when Ralph Nader was just “that seatbelt guy,” or when the area between Britney Spears’ legs was a dark and tantalizing mystery, the good news is that someday soon insanely wealthy tourists may be able to vacation in the world of tomorrow, and witness such big-ticket future events as:

• Stephen Dorff’s moving acceptance speech for the 2012 Nobel Prize in Skeezics
• President Giuliani’s election to a record 12th term, after a thrilling campaign run on his record of on-time trains and the slogan, “Vote For Me and Continue to Enjoy Your Plunger-Free Ass”
• The incredible 2021 defeat of the invading Martian horde by Paris Hilton’s genetically mutated supercrabs
• New episodes of Futurama, featuring funnier versions of all these jokes (”You mean ‘funny’ versions,” you say. Well, up yours.)
• Andy Kaufman’s triumphant “Fooled You All!” appearance at the 2009 Oscars, where he reveals his responsibility for 9/11
• The world’s 2015 horror at the realization that Ringo Starr is the sole surviving Beatle
• Junkiness Media’s 2010 purchase by MTV for a reported $4.6 billion and infinity free blowjobs from cloned Marilyn Monroe
• The glorious return of L. Ron Hubbard on a golden DC-9 and subsequent enslavement of humanity in the mines of Suri Cruise’s subterranean kingdom
• A 106-year-old Rush Limbaugh blaming all problems of the United States of Chinamerica on the 111-year-old Bill Clinton, who is unable to respond due to being busy deflowering your granddaughter
• The final Sopranos episode, where Tony wakes up and realizes he’s married to Suzanne Pleshette and it was all a dream, and then offs himself
• The end of this list

This entry was posted on Monday, March 12th, 2007 at 8:28 pm and is filed under Science, Shots at Stephen Dorff, Technology, Weird Shit. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.