Guest Editorial: Jennifer Dziura

We are pleased as punch to continue our fine tradition of guest editorials with New York’s own Jennifer Dziura. Among her many talents, Jennifer has seen Superman naked. Read more about her here.

Ways to Make News About War in Iraq More Interesting to Average Americans

• Replace Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki with Survivor host Jeff Probst, who will proceed to refer to both sides in the civil war as “teams” and continually point out minority Sunnis’ need to win “immunity challenges.”

• Report that Iraq has been hanging out with Paris Hilton and forgetting to wear underpants. Ask Camille Paglia what she thinks, then report back that Iraq is “cheapening its own image and obliterating all sexual mystery and glamour.”

• Start an Iraqi version of the show “Wife Swap,” and sign up a Shiite and a Kurdish family to participate. Run promos featuring oud music and images of one woman milking goats while the other eats figs in relative luxury. Promise conflict resulting in eventual understanding, all shoehorned into a seventeen-minute story arc. Pretend to be surprised when, upon swapping, both wives are killed immediately.

• Start a blog about whether figures such as Iraqi President Jalal Talabani or al Qaeda head Abu Ayyub al-Masri have had plastic surgery. Juxtapose current photos with photos of the same people ten years ago and speculate wildly. Note any possible “baby bumps” with cartoon arrows. When quoting plastic surgeons, introduce them as “Dr. So-and-So, who has not treated the President” to provide legal cover. Compare Talabani’s appearance to that of former President Ghazi Mashal Ajil al-Yawer and discuss whether Kurds or Sunnis have smoother skin. Suggest that, if sentenced to hanging by a war crimes tribunal, a convicted former dictator or general can assure a markedly improved funereal appearance with a simple pre-execution Botox injection.

• Point out that 3,000 dead American soliders will be physically unable to watch the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

This entry was posted on Monday, April 9th, 2007 at 11:38 am and is filed under Guest Editorials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.