A Junkiness Editorial: The Time Is Now
Genocide rages on in Darfur, major legislation designed to end the war in Iraq has just been vetoed, and restrictions on partial birth abortions have been held to be constitutional. In response, Junkiness takes a break from its inspired hilarity to weigh in on an issue facing so many Americans: which testicle is cooler? The right or left?
No one likes admitting they play favorites. “I like you both, the same,†we’re supposed to say. But let’s face it. The right testicle is better than the left. I’m sorry. It just is.
Any
biology website will confirm for you that testicles are not the same. The left one actually hangs a little lower than the right. Why? Because it’s lazy, that’s why. The left testicle is the slouching cousin in the family photo. It’s Phil Lesh in the Jerry Garcia interview about moving society forward. It’s Shaggy’s adam’s apple in Scooby Doo.
They’re not the same size either. The left’s slightly larger. Indeed, some might attribute its lower hanging status to its increased mass,
but that’s a cop out. It’s not about physics. It’s about attitude. The left testicle is throwing its weight around. Like the high school bully who’s so intimidating that the homeroom teacher doesn’t mark him late. Like your prepubescent memories of your phys ed teacher. The left testicle is Aaron Neville’s bicep.
But for all its posturing, is the left testicle any better than the right when it comes to functionality? No. A man can father a child with only his right testicle. So what’s the big deal left testicle? Why you got to be all that?
And you know what else? If you get kicked in the crotch, the left testicle always hurts more. Always. I’m not making this up. The left testicle is a big whiny baby. It’s the losing bachelorette. It’s George W. Bush during the first Kerry debate. The left testicle is Nancy Kerrigan moments after the smack down. But the right testicle is NOT Tanya Harding. The right testicle is the ice pack on her knee, saying, “Hey, babe. Pull it together. This is the Olympics.â€
We apologize for this departure in a our web content, but we felt compelled to speak. No longer can this nation be oppressed by the tyranny of the left testicle in the interest of equity and political correctness. Tell your left testicle, or a friend’s left testicle, that the jig is up. Everything else can wait. Don’t worry. Wesley Snipes will still be black tomorrow. It’s as inevitable as John McCain dying of cancer or Steven Dorff eating Ramen noodles for dinner tonight. The time to act is now.
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May 2nd, 2007 12:16
I’ve long been an avid reader of Junkiness, and I’ve much enjoyed the levity you bring to celebrity deaths and school shootings. But this callous attack on the left testicle is just not conscionable.
Everyone knows that one of the testicles is redundant, but which one? By hanging lower, the left testicle is, in effect, raising his hand and saying, “Take me Jesus. My heart is pure. I’m ready to go home now.” Sirs and Madams of Junkiness, God damn it, the left testicle is slouching his way toward martyrdom.
May 2nd, 2007 12:24
Although we at Junkiness do not agree with your belief that the left testicle is noble and selfless in its intentions, we thank you for your comment. Indeed, comments such as yours do our hearts proud. Genuine intellectual discourse on matters such as these will be our nation’s salvation. Thank you.
May 2nd, 2007 12:26
I don’t understand what any of this has to do with the death of Tom Poston.
May 2nd, 2007 19:42
yes. indeed, the neville biceps metaphor is as acute an observaton as can be made by modern journalists. in addition, i’ve always thought my right one, jacques, to possess the enchanting mysticism of aaron’s ever-bankable flesh mountain that resides on his face, mainly because jacques, too, has spent a great deal of time on linda ronstadt’s cheek.
so kudos to you, junkiness! i love you. and jacques does too.
btw- curtyss, jacques’ counterpart, committed suicide right after reading this article. so i ask, is there a heaven for slackers? we shall see.