Contest: The William Shatner Roast
To
honor William Shatner, Comedy Central premieres the William Shatner Celebrity Roast this Sunday at 10/9 p.m.
And by “honor…Shatner” we mean “tell dirty jokes and call Andy Dick gay.”
And by telling you all of this we mean to announce a new contest, in which you, the reader, can win Two Celebrity Roast DVDs from JUNKINESS, courtesy of Comedy Central.
Here are the details: We all know the kind of jokes you’ll find at any celebrity roast. Jeff Ross won’t fuck anybody’s genitals with anybody else’s genitals. You get the idea.
So, send us your own Celebrity Roast jokes using the “comments” feature on this post. The person who makes us laugh the hardest will receive DVD copies of the Pamela Anderson Celebrity Roast and the Denis Leary Celebrity Roast. Click here for official rules.
Enter as many times as you want between now and 12 (noon) on Monday, August 21. We’ve even made up some of our own, to get you started:
Not only is Mel Gibson not here tonight, he denies this roast ever happened.
Let’s hear it for Carrie Fisher, everybody. [Applause]. Hey Carrie, now you can say you got “the clap” without swallowing Wookiee scrotum.
We wanted to roast a big celebrity tonight. Too bad we used Priceline to book the talent.
William Shatner is to acting what Wiliam Shatner is to singing.
George Takei is here. And Andy Dick is right behind him. George finally came out of the closet recently. Though it was hard to be surprised, considering it was a closet full of dildos and AZT.
Is it just me, or does Patton Oswalt look like the retarded son of Rosie O’Donnell and a garden gnome?
Lisa Lampanelli is here. She’s seen more African cocks than a KFC in Nairobi. Seriously, she’s fucked more black people than drive-bys. The only thing that spends more time all over black dudes is the smell of Newports.
Jimmy Kimmel has something in common with Bill Shatner. Shatner used to be on TJ Hooker and last night Kimmel fucked a hooker with TB.
Is it just me or does Andy Dick look like Where’s Waldo with AIDS and a coke habit? I’m not saying Andy’s gay or anything, but the guy he was fisting backstage makes Nathan Lane look like Steve McQueen.
I saw Jeff Ross talking to Betty White backstage, trading stories about getting cunnilingus from Bea Arthur. Bea says Jeff’s pussy gets so wet even Andy Dick won’t lick it.
Leonard Nimoy couldn’t be here tonight. He’s filming an episode of “In Search Of” – apparently he’s having trouble finding Greg Giraldo’s punchlines.
What the fuck happened to Farrah Fawcett? I wouldn’t fuck her with a ten-foot pole, even if that ten-foot pole requested it from the Make a Wish foundation.
Now you go! And remember, every time you call Andy Dick gay, an angel sucks Bea Arthur’s dick.
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on Wednesday, August 16th, 2006 at 3:05 pm and is filed under Celebriwhores, Contests, Drugs, Gay People, Nonsense, S-E-X, TV.
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August 16th, 2006 15:46
So I heard Shatner’s wife was found dead in his swimming pool. I don’t want to point fingers, but Andy DIck told me that Patrick Stewart’s dick smelled like chlorine that night.
August 16th, 2006 16:32
Andy Dick is now licking faces because he’s learned that kissing ass doesn’t work the way he wants it to.
August 16th, 2006 16:41
Gene Rodenberry’s ghost just called, he wants his semen back.
August 16th, 2006 17:17
When I think of William I’m always taken back to that sweet night when he and Andy Dick double-teamed an inebriated Sherry Jackson. Andy of course stuck it in her ass. But William? Well, he really surprised us all. First he Shatner car. Then he Shatner hair. And finally he Shatner mouth. My God was Andy jealous.
August 16th, 2006 17:19
If Andy Dick performs cunnilingus on Shatner’s hairpiece, does that make him straight?
August 16th, 2006 17:43
When I told Ricky Martin I was coming to William Shatner’s roast, he said, “You mean William Hung?” And I said, “No, William Shatner.” And he winked and said, “You mean William HUNG?”
August 16th, 2006 19:04
At the time of his death, James “Scotty” Doohan was suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, diabetes, and lung fibrosis. Some people will do anything to get out of seeing Shatner.
August 17th, 2006 09:51
“Rocket Maaaaaan”
August 17th, 2006 13:22
One time I was in a Parisian sex club, where Jeri Ryan happened to be in the middle of an 18-unbathed-Frenchmen-gangbang (which she had orchestrated just to piss off her ex-husband, Jack). In the middle of being DP’d by Pierre Du Stinksalot and Jacques L’Malodorous, she turned to me and said, “I’d still rather do this than look at William Shatner’s ugly fucking face ever again.”
August 17th, 2006 15:58
[...] Have you entered our Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner contest yet? [...]
August 17th, 2006 18:39
I was at Scarborough Faire and I looked over my shoulder (the one without the falcon perched atop it) and saw a man kneeling on the ground by a tree. At first, I thought it was someone praying to an ancient and mystical god. Upon closer inspection, however, I realized that it was actually William Shatner giving a sloppy, poorly executed blowjob to a dwarf dressed like “Willow”…More crab puffs over here, Pepe.
August 17th, 2006 21:34
William Shatner is a really nice guy, what can I say? He looked cool in those old Star Trek shows. And he even pulled it off in the movis. I did feel so sorry when he lost that Priceline gig to his “former” friend, the Spock guy. And now I can’t get enough of him on that new lawyer show that he’s on, what’s the name? Anyway, he’s a great guy! Too bad his acting sucks turkey giblets!
August 17th, 2006 23:20
William Shatner is a good man. He once sold his kidney stone to GoldenPalace.com for $25,000. The money raised went towards building houses for the needy aka Spock.
August 17th, 2006 23:32
I only have one thing to say simply powered by 5 ale’s 2 mixed wiskey drinks and a micro brewed Cream ale, yah it was good, quote un quote “Who’s the bigger hooker now shatner, heppy “B” baby. I just wanna thank Tommy’s Dick!”
August 18th, 2006 00:38
Will always said he loved George Takei. Yet, he stopped visting him as much cause he kept getting tired of asking for forgiveness ever morning for eating pork the previous night.
August 18th, 2006 01:43
Sarah Silverman is here… which is great… because her back provides the hair that you see on William’s head tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
August 18th, 2006 02:09
“To boldy go where no man has gone before.” Well, I guess that rules out Mario Cantone’s ass and Judy Gold’s vagina!
August 18th, 2006 02:26
What’s the difference between a dictionary and William Shatner’s house? In the dictionary, there’s no “NERIN” in “POOL!”
August 18th, 2006 02:31
Gilbert Gottfried! Nice to know you finally got TiVo! Now you can come out here and act like an asshole tonight and go home and masturbate to Jon-Benet Ramsey coverage when you get home!
August 18th, 2006 02:50
Wow, Colin Quinn and William Shatner at the same place at the same time! One killed Saturday Night Live and the other killed his wife!
August 18th, 2006 02:54
What’s the difference between a dictionary and William Shatner’s house? In the dictionary, there’s no “WIFE” in “POOL!”
*Fixing my joke @ number 16
August 18th, 2006 02:57
Hey William! Now that Scotty’s dead, is there anyone left to beam up your career?
August 18th, 2006 03:01
What’s the difference between O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, and William Shatner?
Mel Gibson HATES William Shatner!
August 18th, 2006 03:06
A roast for William Shatner?! Looks like some yogurt and a salad might do you some good…
August 18th, 2006 03:07
No, seriously. This one time I went over to Bill’s (can I call you Bill? No? Okay.) I went over to Bill’s house and asked if he had some water. He grabbed a couple bottles and handed ‘em to me. Told me, “My wife loved this kind of water” as he stared wistfully at the bottle. I drank it, and it tasted faintly of chlorine.
August 18th, 2006 03:08
Or perhaps better:
What’s great about roasting Shatner is that with his spare tires, he could run power plants from now until 2150!
August 18th, 2006 03:54
Wow, Pamela Lee’s here tonight in TERRIBLE taste! Just what we need… a lifeguard with flotation devices at a William Shatner roast! SIX YEARS TOO LATE, PAM!
August 18th, 2006 09:50
After Star Trek Shatner’s agent tried to pitch the networks on giving him a job as an action star named T J Hooker. The network said, and who do you see in the lead?
“William Shatner”
“And what do you want to call this show?”
“…The Aristocrats!”
August 18th, 2006 13:16
When I asked DeForrest Kelley what he thought of Shatner’s acting ability, he said, “William Shatner is the worst fucking actor that ever fucking read a motherfucking cue fucking card.” And I said, “Jeez, you suck Nichelle Nichols’s dick with that mouth?”
August 18th, 2006 16:50
Is it just me, or does Captain Kirk look like he’s gonna have Andy Dick’s love child any day now?
August 18th, 2006 16:59
And here’s Andy Dick if he were the Captain of the Enterprise: “Sulu, take us closer to Uranus.”
August 18th, 2006 17:02
It’s great that someone was kind enough to bring the corpse of DeForrest Kelley to be here tonight in honor of Bill Sha — oh, wait, sorry, Bea, I didn’t recognize you.
August 18th, 2006 17:09
Bill, Richard Gere sends his apologies . . . he wanted to be here tonight, but at the last minute, he was taken to the Beverly Hills Hospital emergency room to have a tribble removed from his ass.
August 18th, 2006 17:10
I’m not saying that Bill Shatner’s put on weight, but he has more chins than George Takei’s little black book.
August 18th, 2006 17:17
What people don’t know is that Bill had to pay his dues to get where he is today, and so he truly deserves our respect. In fact, Bill started out in the acting business as a fluffer, and he’s remained true to his roots . . . just ask Tommy Lee.
August 18th, 2006 18:37
Chlorine man…
She packed her backs last night, pre swim…
Zero hour, 10 PM.
And she’s going to be dead… as a door nail by then.
August 18th, 2006 21:40
Did you know a famous celebrity was conceived during the filming of Wrath of Khan? William Shatner’s and Ricardo Montalban’s hairpieces disappeared into a dressing room together, and nine months later Salma Hayek’s moustache was born.
August 21st, 2006 02:01
Tonight a lot of fun was made of William (Billy T) Shatner’s hairpiece.
Not me, I think Andy Dick’s pubic hair made a wonderful hair piece.
It would have looked nicer if Bill had cut it from Andy instead of using Crazy Glue on his head before having his way with Andy Dick (what a name, appropriate, don’t you think?).
August 21st, 2006 02:07
I always watched Star Trek since it started and I was only in 8th grade, and Bill was fantastic, as he was in (well some) of the Star Trek movies.
But, Bill, please do not try to SING!
Your mother must have taken Thalidamide while she was pregnant to cause your underdeveloped Vocal Cords.
August 21st, 2006 02:09
Hey Bill,
Remember when we met in 1981? I was very embarassed.
When you greet a man you shake their hand, not their wand!
August 21st, 2006 02:14
George told me that Dr. McCoy was given his nickname of “Bones” by him based on first Fling with him when he was thin.
August 21st, 2006 02:17
And where was Spock tonight?
You thought you saw George Takei tonight on the roast.
That was a stunt double.
Spock was at home with the real Georgie using his famous “Live Long and Prosper” hand formation to hold George’s digit while they had fun.
August 21st, 2006 02:19
I thought Farah Fawcett looked wonderful tonight, but what do I know I’m legally blind without my contact lenses.
August 21st, 2006 02:21
Oh, in closing…
Jason, what’s with the beard?
Did the Rogaine backfire, or did you drink it instead of shampooing with it?
August 21st, 2006 02:28
Hey Jason!
Just a word of advice.
Leave the Real Comedy to Robin Williams.
Your comedy was as lame as Mel Gibson’s plea bargain, and as dry as your hairless head.
Robin would have had people laughing without the “LAUGH” prompt for the audience.
December 22nd, 2006 16:07
Fuck!
Funny word that.
Sounds like Fucker.
Apart from the “er” on the end.
Now you all laugh like it’s the funniest joke in the world.
Get the idea?
“The Emperor’s new clothes” just happens to come to mind.
Ever read it?
Didn’t think so.
April 15th, 2007 22:58
Well say what you will about the Shat. He may be an as*hole but I tell there is something about that SOB that even today when he is 76 there is nothing I would like better then to sit on his lap minus my Victoria Secrets and give him my best and listen to him moan and holler.