Britney Smears from Tattling Timberlake?
Justin Timberlake recently suggested he’d been holding in a lot of “dirty” secrets about his former paramour, Britney Spears, but now—having moved on to the bed of another celebrity acne-sufferer—might be ready to talk:
[Timberlake] says, “If I was writing an article about her, I would not be able to fight the urge to write every dirty thing about her.”
Luckily, Junkiness was able to obtain a copy of said hypothetical article, in which the following shocking secrets are revealed about America’s favorite teen hearthrob-turned-birth-control-poster child:
- She has a huge crush on Senator Arlen Specter, and often screams his name in moments of passion
- She is a certified Reiki practitioner, but lost most of her business after being accused of leaving cigarette butts in a client’s aura
- She once ate an entire can of vinyl spackle, thinking it was Crisco®
- Her first pregnancy was a hoax—the baby was actually made of packing peanuts, wads of gum, and hair collected from her shower drain
- She isn’t really Jewish
- In addition to walking around public bathrooms barefoot, she also washes her hair in unflushed toilets and uses urinal cakes as toothpaste
- She originally met her husband, Kevin, after he was hired to remove a decomposing possum from her septic tank; she was touched when, rather than disposing of the carcass, he fashioned it into a decorative bedroom air-freshener
- Osama Bin Laden has a picture of her on his cave-wall with the caption, “Not if she was the last Infidel Harlot on Earth”
- She was nominated for a Nobel Prize in Mathematics for her pioneering work in the field of Quantum Field Theory, but was denied the award when key portions of her thesis were found to have been plagiarized from Low Rider Magazine
- She’s a fat ho
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006 at 4:56 pm and is filed under Celebriwhores, Fat People.
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