In Odessa, Delaware this week, a tractor-trailer carrying a load of “human waste” overturned, spilling the substance all over an off-ramp.

A man who happened to be standing nearby and was battered with a torrent of doo-doo, pee-pee and other nondescript ca-ca was overheard saying…

“That was really terrible, but it was still better than watching Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction.”

or…

“Wow, I guess I know how Al Reynolds felt on his wedding night.”

or…

“I’m going to go rub my poop-sludge-soaked body all over Courtney Love now in an attempt to somehow make her cleaner.”

As a favor to gossip-column headline-writers, super-model Naomi Campbell, a knockout in the figurative and complimentary sense, threw a cell-phone at her housekeeper, attempting to knock out the domestic-engineer in the literal and violent sense.

Some may remember that Campbell previously chucked a phone at an assistant in 2003. However, after Russell Crowe threw a phone at a hotel desk-clerk several months ago, Campbell felt she was being overshadowed and sought to re-establish herself as the world’s foremost celebrity phone-thrower.

While the most recent offense could land the professional-hot-chick in prison for up to seven years, fans need not fret. Rest assured she’ll be sent to celebrity-jail, the magical penal-facility for those better than you, where they serve diamond-studded unicorn burgers in the mess-hall, and instead of getting raped in the shower, you get oral sex from a clone of Einstein in a hot-tub full of Cristal.

An American university student was sentenced to thirty years in prison for wanting US President George W. Bush to be dead.

No shit.

Okay, his name was Ahmed Omar Abu Ali, and he was an American-Jordanian living in Saudi Arabia, and it was an Islamic university. And he also happened to be a member of al Qaeda and, in addition to discussing the assassination of the president, was also planning to form a terrorist cell in the States. So, fuck him. Let him rot in jail.

But, for one second there, you saw your life flash before your eyes, didn’t you?

Netherlandishman Johan Huibers plans to sail his own homemade Noah’s Ark — one-fifth the size of the original but built to spec and full of rank-smelling farm animals — through the inland waters of his native Dutchland this fall, to prove to the world that he’s an idiot.

Huibers plans to open the Ark, which will ultimately cost him $1.7 million to build, as a religious museum and low-rent zoo. He’s hoping the ark will renew interest in Christianity. “This will speak very much to children,” he said. “They’ll hear the creak of the wood, smell the smell of the dung.”

No closing joke necessary.

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HBO’s new television show Big Love, about a Salt Lake City family of polygamists, is pissing off a lot of Mormons around the country for its delightfully blasphemous assertations that Mormons enjoy having sex and that polygamy exists.

An email of unknown origin, which has been circulating the internet, is calling members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to email HBO with “a polite protest.“

Luckily, for fans of the show, nobody cares what polite Mormons think.

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Orpheus, a new CBS pilot, set to wrap shooting this week, concerns “Guy (Nicholas D’Agosto), a young would-be lawyer whose whirlwind romance with small-town siren Sue Ellen (Mena Suvari) sidetracks him into a shadowy, menacing group called ‘Grand Design,’ or GD. GD attracts new believers with a bestselling quasi-philosophical book…and uses a complicated ranking system for followers.”

Here is a short list of people who will not be watching the show: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, John Travolta, Beck, Tom Cruise, Jason Lee, Kirstie Alley, Isaac Hayes, Tom Cruise, Priscilla Presley, Juliette Lewis, Tom Cruise, Patrick Swayze, Tom Cruise, the very laid-back love child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise.

Only forty-five years too late for that to mean anything. And Russia had to help them do it.

Even China beat them by three years.

Republican Congressional candidate caught using a photo of Istanbul to show how well things are going in Iraq; They Might Be Giants inspired to write silly song.
Related: Here’s more from Wikipedia.

Tom Jones proves they’ll Knight anydamnbody now.

Bush is heading to Cancun; Diebold expected to score wet t-shirt contests to insure victory for Karl Rove.

Cigarettes and fingers deleted from Beatles album art; Finger-use among children expected to drop.

Cops on rollerblade turns out not to be the awesome idea it seems like; New David Hasselhoff series Heat Blades shelved.

The cop from The Village People was arrested. Also, the cowboy was lassoed, the Indian was scalped, and the construction worker sucked a man’s wiener.

Tom Delay wants to be able to carry a gun.

Guy accidentally got charged $4000 for four burgers at BK. Drive-thru worker glad the dude wasn’t Tom Delay.

When the killer attack androids come for you, will you be prepared? Ruth Cisero of Sunset Circle, Connecticut will be. Her house is guarded by Lewis, the 24-toed, 24-clawed, psychotic, bloodthirsty cat.

As the killer androids — being partially organic — will almost certainly bleed authentic human blood, there’s no easy way to differentiate them from the common Avon lady, coming to sell harmless lip gloss, or friendly neighbor, visiting to complain that her child is bleeding from the face. So Lewis is forced to lay into anybody and everybody.

Says a two-time victim of the cat’s fury…

I was walking along the sidewalk when he sprang at me. I never saw it coming, but that’s how it often is. He comes at you from behind, springs and wraps himself around your legs, biting and scratching.

Several victims have needed medical treatment and one Avon lady was hospitalized. A restraining order was issued against the offending cat.

While, at last count, 107% (give or take 60%) of the nation’s children are gallavanting around town, listening to Coldplay (or whatever) and searching the interweb looking for naked pictures of whoever that chick was in that last movie, gazillionaire Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer’s kids are forced to play with petrified wooden blocks and look for entertaining patterns in the wallpaper.

Says Ballmer…

My children — in many dimensions they’re as poorly behaved as many other children, but at least on this dimension I’ve got my kids brainwashed: You don’t use Google, and you don’t use an iPod.

All things considered, though, brainwashing children is just about the least evil thing Microsoft has done this past decade.

Canadian drunk driver, Matt Brownlee, used the most inventive Get Out Of Jail Free card, ever, when he successfully argued that because he believed country singer Shania Twain was helping him drive, he was not wholly responsible for his actions.

From Ananova.com:

“A judge ruled Brownlee was not criminally responsible because he suffers from delusions that female celebrities communicate with him telepathically. He could now be detained in hospital, released under supervision or given an absolute discharge.”

This reminds me of the time I escaped death row by convincing a jury I had to rape and murder my sister’s vacation bible study leader because the future ghost of Bill Gates implanted a memory-chip inside my left areola. If I hadn’t shagged then shanked Kenneth, we’d all be paying thirty-four doubloons for a gallon of gas and my bottom hair would smell like purple.

I, too, was given an “absolute discharge.”

It’s so hard to be a successful entertainer these days. Used to be a little talent and ambition would make your career. Well, talent, ambition, a close relative in the music industry and a willingness to swallow just the right amounts of semen and dignity. But now its not enough to be a singer or a dancer alone. You’ve got to be a quadruple threat: singer/dancer/actor/addict. The Robert Downey Jrs of the world have made it impossible to get arrested in Hollywood until you’ve literally been arrested in Hollywood.

Whitney Houston’s sister in law, who clearly has nothing but Whitney’s interests at heart, and certainly no desire for seeing her own name in the papers, has (finally!) gone public with information that any semi-retarded eleven-year-old would greet with the singular response of, “Duh.” She alleges that Ms. Houston has some drug abuse issues, primarily with crack cocaine. And by “has some issues” she clearly means, “loves crack so much she wants to marry it, suck its dick, bear its children, suck its childrens’ dicks, and eat its children.” She doesn’t want to rock; she wants two rocks.

Get it? Because she smokes crack. And crack is sold in rock form. It’s technical, but I think you understand where I’m coming from. Do the math.

It seems that Science (or, as some people like to call it, Anti-Religion) has just gotten mankind that much closer to being able to receive messages from displaced Nigerian princes and great new deals on pharmaceuticals…mentally!

While “brain spam” is still at least a few years off, scientists have been working tirelessly to develop “neuro-chips,” which to the layman means “more than 16,000 electronic transistors and hundreds of capacitors [squeezed] onto a silicon chip just 1 millimeter square in size,” and to science geeks means “AWESOME!!”

What, you may ask, can the “neuro-chip” do for you? Well, not much right now. But They have plans. Big plans! You’d better believe They have big plans. Like, how about creating “sophisticated neural prostheses to treat neurological disorders” and developing “organic computers that crunch numbers using living neurons”?

And androids! Killer attack androids! That’s in the works, too.

(via Slashdot)

This just in: Red Bull and other “energy drinks,” when mixed with alcohol, will actually make you feel less drunk, but will not actually make you less drunk, according to an article in the new issue of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research, which apparently is a journal that actually exists.

Yawn.

That’s some really riveting research they’re doing down there at the Federal University of Sao Paulo. Also discovered is that four-or-five Coronas will not actually make your roommate’s girlfriend’s “nice” friend any less fat. Surprisingly, though, a half-bottle of tequila is justification for punching some random guy in the face.

A North Carolina man was arrested last week and charged with kidnapping two children. That man was those children’s mother. Or, rather he was their mother. Now, he’s their father. Their second father. Kind of.

Shellie White is a woman, and she was a woman when she kidnapped her two children, with whom she shared joint custody, from the Arizona home of their father, Ernest Karnes three years ago. But she looked like a man, and has been living and looking like a man with the children in North Carolina ever since.

The children have now been taken from their father and returned to their father.

WEBoggle: Nerdy, but addictive. It’s Nerdictive.

Skittles commercial with a big funny beard

Winnie the Pooh/Apocalypse Now mashup

Some basketball player getting his eyeball poked out: Warning – Watching this is akin to getting kicked in your soul’s balls.
Edgar Allen Poe’s The Aristocrats

Oldie but a goodie: Jean Claude Van Dance!

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