Jesus, crap! Denise Richards knocks one out of the park with this soon-to-be bestselling legal document. Revealed in her sworn declaration:

* Charlie Sheen is addicted to prescription pills like Zanex [sic] Norco, and Ativan.

* Sheen is addicted to gambling, losing up to hundreds of thousands of dollars at a time.

* Sheen is addicted to prostitutes and child pornography (both young girls and boys).

* Sheen is addicted to making death threats on Richard’s answering machine.

* Sheen totally hates Mondays!

My favorite parts:

* Sheen cut his wedding photo in half and spray painted “the dumbest day of my life” on it.

* I asked him if he had taken an “aids” test.

* [Sheen] then told me to “go f–k myself” and turned around and stormed out the house.

* I begged him…not to particpate in prostitution at his house. He told me that it was “none of my business,” that I am a “f–king c–nt”… He told me that he hopes I “get breast cancer and die” and “get cancer in my face and die.”

That last one makes Sheen the official winner of Mad Magazine’s annual Snappy Comebacks contest. The entire deposition is seventeen pages of “wow” from start to finish. it’s the Danielle Steel of court documents. James Frey is busy plagiarizing it for his next memoir. It’s funnier than Two and Half Men and deadlier than Platoon.

Funny email correspondence between some dude and a weird UK deaf adoption agency or somesuch. Just trust me.

Keith Olbermann offers a retrospective look at democracy-warrior Scott McClellan’s tenure as White House Press Secretary.

A couple weeks ago, we linked to an emo kid’s video-blog (vlog? videog?). Turns out it was a joke and there’s more.

Mary Phillips-Sandy offers up some new fragrances by musicians at Yankee Pot Roast.

With his approval rating somewhere between Basic Instinct 2 and a kick in the sweets, Vice President Cheney can use all the good news he can get. So it comes as no surprise that the VP’s office was beaming with pride last week after Cheney was able to avoid shooting Chinese President Hu Jintao in the face, instead simply taking a nap during the Asian leader’s speech.

It might seem like falling asleep was a bad move, but remember this is Cheney we’re talking about. A nap far exceeds expectations for the visit, which included but are not limited to…

• Selling the head-of-state’s children to Halliburton
• Having like eight heart attacks all over the foreign dignitary
• Drilling for oil in the leader’s wife
• Declaring war on the insurgency in his pants

Congratulations, Mr. Vice President. You’ve impressed us all.

Is it true that Sam Jackson never read the script for Snakes On A Plane, signing on to the film based on the title alone? Is it true that the producers wanted to change the name to Attack on Flight 21, and Jackson refused to let them? Is it true that additional shooting was necessary to add the requisite curse words Jackson’s fans have come to expect?

The world may never know. We will be too busy finding out exactly how these motherfucking snakes got on this motherfucking plane.

Seriously, though, the fact that Samuel L. Jackson’s fans won’t rest until the word “motherfucking” is repeatedly added to his scripts is a beautiful testament to Hollywood and filmmaking and America and George Carlin and Eddie Murphy and the MC5. I heard Bill Cosby is producing Jackson’s biopic: Filth, Flarn, Filth: The Samuel Jackson Story.

Is it me, or are all the craziest and most dangerous stalkers lurking behind the bushes of the D-listiest stars? For every fanatic digging through Julia Roberts garbage or making voodoo dolls out of Spielberg’s toenail clippings, there’s four more bug-eyed droolers armed and dangerous and making life difficult for the Rebecca Schaeffers of the world.

The latest episode in the continuing saga of substandard stalking is the restraining order filed by Luke Perry against an unrelated female fan who calls herself Liz Perry. Liz, reportedly off her meds, has apparently been showing up at Luke’s house and tried to enroll her children in the same private school as his. She’s also gone to such lengths as to move to the expensive Beverly Hills neighborhood of Los Angeles, in order to share a ZIP code with Perry’s only claim to fame, 90210, and fashioned a makeshift Peach Pit diner out of milk crates and a raccoon skeleton named Nat. She has even undergone hymen-replacement surgery so that she can re-lose her virginity after the Spring Dance.

Other forgotten cast members from 90210 have had similar experiences:

* Shannen Doherty once filed a lawsuit against a stalker who threatened to burn her at the stake. The charges were dropped when the judge realized the man in question was Aaron Spelling, and that he was only sending her the script for the Charmed season finale.

* Brian Austin Green has encountered hundreds of people who laugh in his face at both his rapping and dancing.

* Ian Ziering received several prank calls from an unidentified young man who then escalated the disturbance by having several unrequested pizzas sent to Ziering’s house. The matter was resolved when the stalker learned he had confused Ziering for William Katt.

* Gabrielle Carteris has received numerous flattering cards, letters, and date requests from an extremely interested party. And by “interested party”, I am referring to a mop with a balloon face taped to the end of the handle. His name is Sparkle LeFleur, and he is her biggest fan.

Forget morality, psychology and philosophy. All that shit can bite it. If the men of the world ever needed a decent reason for treating their womenfolk like equals, this is it: Great… Fucking… Sex!!! That’s right. If you want to blow huge hot loads all over your wife’s tits, all you have to do is treat her like she’s a decent human being.

A team of sexologists at the University of Chicago, who surveyed 27,500 people (some of them women) in 29 countries, have found that couples who make like the woman is as smart, able and worthwhile as the man have much more satisfying sex lives.

And the great thing about it is, the women totally don’t even know they’re being played. They’re all so happy having their “careers” and expressing their “opinions,” leading fulfilling “lives” and wearing “clothes,” that they have no idea they’re the men’s willing tools of orgasm. Well, that is, when and if they’re in the mood. And if it’s on mutually benefitial terms.

Hot!

pre-var-i-cate intr.v. – To stray from or evade the truth; equivocate.

Example: “Prolonged prevaricating will lead to stress and fatigue.”

Average Homeboy: An awesome video by an aspiring white rapper.

Breyer’s appears to be attempting to corner the comptetive pedophile market with this ad. [Update: Almost definitely fake. Obviously.]

Totally bizarre, totally catchy Osmond’s performance.

Very nicely done Titanic 2 trailer. Almost believable to the point of not being funny.

Oil prices have surged above $71/barrel causing analysts to predict gasoline prices approaching $4/gallon this Summer. To put that into real-world terms, filling up a 73,000-gallon gas tank could soon set you back more than a quarter of a million dollars. Yes, you read that right, “million” with an “m.” But the effects of expensive petroleum are being felt in more places than the filling station.

For example, a gentleman in Tennessee traded his car for a $150 bag of cocaine recently. Clearly the burden of filling up the tank has grown too great for Americans, as they’d rather be rid of the financial-albatross we call the motorcar altogether and simply get “high” on “goof juice” and “nose goodies.” Experts say by August, a car with a full tank could fetch as much as seventeen such “bags” of “cola.”

But the most significant and drastic sea change is being seen in the blogosphere. Take the above paragraph for example. In brighter days, a story about a guy trading his car for a bag of blow would’ve been fodder for endless Whitney Houston jokes, as the emphasis would’ve been on the cocaine rather than the gas-guzzler. But now, the decaying diva is spared the snark and free to galavant insanely without sarcastic rebuke from doughy middle-class white guys.

I sure fucking hope OPEC is happy.

After last year’s public bickering over the use of psychiatric drugs to cure post partum depression, Brooke Shields and Tom Cruise are at it again, battling for supremacy in the world of celebrity childbirthing. Cruise and fiancee, Katie Holmes, silently delivered their first child yesterday afternoon, after weeks of will-they-or-won’t-they [eat the baby] anticipation. Shields also gave birth yesterday, and the coincidences don’t stop there.

Both babies were born in Los Angeles. However, Shields delivered her child in a hospital surrounded by doctors and nurses. Holmes delivered her baby in a spaceship buried below Cruise’s mansion, surrounded by signs warning her to “Shut your pie hole!” and posters for MI:III.

Both Shields and Holmes gave birth to baby daughters. Cruise and Holmes have given their little girl the name Suri, which means “princess” in Hebrew; Shields has named her baby Zoloft, which is a medical term meaning, “Yes mommy hates you, but it’s not your fault.”

Shields’ daughter was born in the late afternoon, weighing 7 pounds and measuring 20 inches. Cruise’s daughter was born in the late afternoon, weighing 7 pounds and measuring 20 inches, with a total of 1400 body thetans.

Both women received an epidural during childbirth. Shields’ injection contained demerol; Holmes’ was made up of Niacin and wishes.

Cruise and Holmes were showered by gifts from famous celebrity friends, such as Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, and Steven Spielberg. Shields would have received a $20 gift certificate to Baby Gap, if that guy from Suddenly Susan hadn’t killed himself.

While only hours old, both children agree that Kathy Griffin’s jokes are worse than most comedians’ jokes, but better than Kathy Griffin’s face.

Everyone knows Tom Waits sues companies that use soundalikes in their commercials, but did you know Waits himself did a very Waits-esque dogfood commercial in 1981?

25 years later, Jack White sells out too with this pretty cool Coke ad.

Nick Antosca mixes funny-haha with funny-weird in this story about ears at Yankee Pot Roast.

Here’s a clip of George W. Bush showing off his iPod while Brit Hume gobbles his cock.

Coupla mp3s of classic Bill Hicks bits, including his take on Easter.

The latest scoop about Tom Cruise is he’s planning on eating the placenta after his finacee Katie Holmes gives birth to their child.

Seriously? Eating the placenta? I’ve seen hippies do that on the Discovery Channel. Come on, Tom, you can get way crazier than that.

How about you announce that you plan to eat the placenta while it’s still inside Katie?

Or maybe you should decide that vaginal births don’t jibe with Scientology, so the baby will have to come out Katie’s nose. Better yet, you don’t want the baby to ever come out. It just lives and grows in Katie’s belly forever.

Ooh, no wait, how about Katie has the baby in a sensory-deprivation tank, and the baby stays there until his/her 18th birthday so his/her mind can develop without the hindrances of sight, sound, human interaction and thetans? And what if the sensory-deprivation tank was filled with lava? Now that’s the premium brand of crazy we’ve come to expect from Tom Cruise.

Either your heart’s into being the craziest jackass in Hollywood or its not. Frankly, this whole placenta-eating thing just seems like you’re phoning it in.

UPDATE:
Stop the presses! It turns out the above story is actually misleading. The quote about eating his baby’s placenta, a gross but not wholly uncommon practice, was actually sarcastically made in jest by Cruise in an interview with GQ while fruitlessly attempting to play down all the actual crazy stuff he does and will do until the end of time. But that didn’t stop a zillion rags and blogs from running with it, present company included.

Anyway, in case you’re keeping score, here’s where Tom Cruise stands…

• Believing in evil space warlords – Serious
• Thinking he can cure heroin addiction with his mind – Serious
• Believing that psychiatry is pseudo-science – Serious
• Psychically predicting Holmes’ pregnancy – Serious
• Eating his baby’s placenta – Totally Kidding

There’s a new Black Nasty song on his MySpace page. It’s catchy as hell and takes a really dark turn toward the end.

I’m pretty sure this Bone Boys video would only be funny to someone who’s seen Bang Bus or other faux-amateur internet porn series. So, I definitely don’t think it’s totally hilarious.

If you’ve ever been all, “fuck cilantro!” then IHateCilantro.com is for you.

On the other hand, if you’ve ever been all, “I wanna fuck a McGriddle!” then you might enjoy some McGriddle fanfic.

A lot of sites can deliver news and gossip to you as soon as they happen, but only Junkiness gives you the scoops before they happen. Here are our predictions for the week of April 17, 2006:

Tom Cruise will be found hanging out on the side of the freeway attempting to “cure” flat tires with the power of Scientology.

Using a sophisticated new telescope, scientists will discover a third Dakota hidden behind Wyoming.

Pope Benedict XVI will momentarily consider the hypocrisy and draconian nature of the Catholic church, but will quickly snap out of it and resume fingering a little boy’s butthole.

The age-old question–What would happen if Amanda Bynes mistook a water-buffalo for a stapler?–will be answered once and for all.

ap-pe-tent adj. – marked by eager desire.

Example: “The lesbian family was appetent to root around for Laura Bush’s eggs.”