Secret Wars Re-Enactment Society: Nerdy but funny.

Wanna watch a crappy camcorder bootleg of the latest Snakes on a Plane teaser? Yeah, me neither.

How about 17 renditions of Bob Dylan’s Girl from North Country? Okay.

Here’s a feature-length documentary about staring contests. You were looking for that, right?

73% of young voters plan to vote in November’s midterm elections. Either they installed blowjob machines in the voting booths or Bubba Sparxxx is running for something. In either case, it’s about time!

Swedish police were not gentle when they bent the popular BitTorrent site, The Pirate Bay, over and ass-raped it with its own peg leg earlier today.

The MPAA, which has been fantasizing about a sodomization like this for years now, sat on the side of the afterdeck and masturbated onto a parrot.

“Pirate Bay was a huge source of pirated films for people around the world, and today they are no longer,” the MPAA said, as it probed a thumb up its own ass searching frantically for the prostate. “This was one of our No. 1 targets.”

Afterwards, the MPAA and the Swedish police went out and got cheeseburgers.

Reuters reports that a group of kid-touchers from the Netherlands are finally getting organi-zized:

“Dutch pedophiles are launching a political party to push for a cut in the legal age for sexual relations to 12 from 16 and the legalization of child pornography and sex with animals, sparking widespread outrage… ‘A ban just makes children curious,’ [said] Ad van den Berg, one of the party’s founders… ‘We want to get into parliament so we have a voice. Other politicians only talk about us in a negative sense, as if we were criminals.’”

As if they were criminals. Imagine. These Dutch pioneers are taking one giant leap for mankind, paving the way for organizations here in America, such as NAMBLA and the Boy Scouts, to follow in their footsteps. What a shining beacon of hope, to know that our grandchildren might live in a world where their bright, shining faces can feel (and taste) the joy of dirty-old-man jizz with no legal recourse whatsoever.

Plus it means Shaquille O’Neal can take a day off.

Oscar-winner Mira Sorvino and her husband no one’s ever heard of Chris Backus had a baby:

“Sorvino gave birth to the couple’s second child, Johnny, on Monday at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Beverly Hills, Calif. The infant weighed 7 pounds, 14 ounces.”

Obviously there are a lot of sad things about this. First of all, this kid was born in the shadow of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, and that’s an extremely large, dark, sexy, perfect shadow. Second of all, he’s even in the shadow of Kingston Stefani-Rossdale, and that’s actually kind of a pathetic shadow. But the saddest part of all is the fact that the only people interested in this story are those who accidentally thought it was about Mena Suvari.

After discovering that primates speak our language, drink our liquor and fuck our women, the only thing separating man from monkey these days is their apparent non-attraction to Jessica Alba.

Having said that, monkeys have now taken the next logical step toward total domination: robot control.

“Monkeys can control a robot arm as naturally as their own limbs using only brain signals, a pioneering experiment has shown. The macaque monkeys could reach and grasp with the same precision as their own hand…[The] end goal is to help people with paralysis by bypassing brain lesions or damaged parts of the spine.”

Yeah, right. The end goal is to create an army of three-armed robotic apes that will destroy everything you hold dear. Do you think you’re safe? They know not to trust the men in white coats. They’ve seen Project X. It’s only a matter of time before the cage door is left ajar and Buttons, the unassuming chimp in diapers, is killing and eating his way to freedom.

If humans want to survive, we’re going to have to figure out some way to grow a third arm.

Who says rock music can’t be conservative? Oh, everyone? Well that didn’t stop John J. Miller from playing make-believe with his list of the 50 Greatest Conservative Rock Songs and this list of 50 more. Someone ought to tell Jello Biafra he’s a conservative; I’m pretty sure he’d like to know.

Greatest name ever? At the very least, it gives Peter Bonerz a run for his money.

Bill Frist thinks gay marriage and flag burning are the most important issues facing the country. What about train robberies and speakeasies?!

Turns out Batwoman wasn’t always a lesbo.

There are a bunch of old offensive cartoons up on YouTube. Like this one featuring Bugs Bunny in blackface.

Sure Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is blessed with radiant good looks, a massive inheritance and a name normally reserved for only the cutest of puppies, but how many arms does the newly hatched celebaby have? None of the wire stories say for sure, but I’m guessing it’s only a pathetic two.

Well, Shiloh, consider your infant ass overshadowed. A baby in China was recently born with three arms:

“His case is quite peculiar. We have no record of any child with such a complete third arm,”[Dr. Chen Bochang] said in a telephone interview.

So what if you’re on every magazine and mind in America, Shiloh? Can you peel a banana and scratch your balls at the same time? What do you mean you don’t have any balls?

After nine months, three weeks, five days and thirteen hours in Angelina Jolie’s womb, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt was born, just one minute and fifty seconds shy of the world record for time-spent-inside-Angelina-Jolie. Asked to comment on the experience, baby Shiloh reported the birth was about as exciting as being born from a couch.

Over the three-day holiday weekend, approximately 33,000 children were born worldwide. Of the remaining 32,999:

* One was born to Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani

* One is the reincarnated ghost of Paul Gleason.

* Eighty received a surprise visit from Michael Jackson.

* 24,000 saw X-Men 3: The Last Stand.

* 23,500 thought the movie was just “okay.”

Everybody’s favorite pampered, spoiled, infected, slutty heiress has finally given word on what we can expect from her soon-to-be-released “music” album. The first song, “Stars are Blind” will be released later this month and should sound like something approximating reggae. But fans can also expect rock and pop and even a little… z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z… z z z z z z z z z z… z z z z z z z z z z z z z… z z z z z z z z z z z…

Huh, wha…?

Z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z… z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z… z z z z z z z z z z… z z z z z z… z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z…

A lot of sites can deliver news and gossip to you as soon as they happen, but only Junkiness gives you the scoops before they happen. Here are our predictions for the week of May 29 30, 2006:

Heartbroken by his breakup with wife Hilary Swank, Chad Lowe will be seen having dinner with Matt Damon and squinting.

In the wake of Paul Gleason’s death, a bitter battle will break out between Dennis Haskins and James Tolkan over who should become the new president of the Guys Who Are Famous for Playing Principals Bumper-Pool League.

In light of word that they’re poised for landslide victories in this November’s midterm elections, the Democrats will band together to blow it by standing up in favor of mandatory genital Marmaduke tattoos for all middle-class tax-payers.

Here’s what we’ve learned this week:

Wil Wheaton must not have banged Tina Yothers when he had the chance.

Penn Jillette loves his children as much as Lindsay Lohan loves hats on a bed.

Foot licking is as serious a crime in Oklahoma as it is in California.

Motel 6 won’t be leaving any lights on for Kevin Spacey.

When the people find out the truth about AT&T shitting on your privacy, they mobilize and attack!

And finally, who’s the most hetero dude ever? Not Jared Leto. The answer is Burt Reynolds, followed closely by Tom Selleck. Pretty much anyone with a moustache. Except for almost everyone with a moustache.

Clay Aiken and his biggest fan singing together on American Idol: Watch it again for the first time.

Out of ideas for kitschy state-centric t-shirts? Kittenpants isn’t.

Is Silent Night Deadly Night 2 the greatest movie ever? Watch this clip and this clip and decide for yourself.

Meanwhile, this Japanese trailer for the Van Damme exploding blue-jeans epic Knock Off is like 83-times better than the actual movie:

Can you imagine? The power of invisibility. To be able to go where you want, when you want, without anybody being able to see you. Think of all the things you could do.

For one, you could stroll into the women’s locker room and watch them shower. And, you could… Well, there’s some other stuff. There’s probably some good things you could do with it. Like, for the government. Like… Fuck… Hold on…

Anyway, that’s beside the point. What’s important is that now you can make your adolescent voyeuristic fantasies a reality! All you have to do is surround yourself with a “metamaterial” — a type of composite material that has unusual electromagnetic properties.

According to the researchers, light rays incident on the material would be bent around the object, only to emerge on the other side in exactly the same direction as they began. Although the work is only theoretical, the researchers reckon that materials invisible to radio waves could be produced within five years.

Five years?? I don’t want to wait no goddamned five years to see naked women. I’ve been waiting more than thirty years as it is!

You know how you always say Jared Leto is totally gay, but you mean it in the “world hunger is totally gay” sense? Well, it turns out you can start calling him totally gay in the “your delicious ding-dong being up my butt right now is totally gay” sense. Wrap your mind-lips around this tidbit from a recent AOL chat with the “actor” and “musician”:

ThirtySecondLeto: I’ll give you an exclusive….
TyeinMusic: ooh. lay it on me
ThirtySecondLeto: I’m gay
TyeinMusic: *!*
TyeinMusic: please tell me you’re serious
ThirtySecondLeto: as a goose.

But just how gay are geese? Take a look at the gay-scale and judge for yourself:

In a move straight out of a David E. Kelley plot, a Boston man strangled his lawyer in court because he was dissatisfied with the lawyer’s performance. “I think he just didn’t like the way some of the rulings the judge was making was going yesterday morning,” attorney Bruce Carroll reported.

That sentence is so grammatically incorrect, it may be an indication of why Carroll’s client was unhappy. Besides, everyone knows this is how you win a trial:

Lawyer: “Your honor, ah say, your honor: my client was working on the day in question. Why I say that boy’s been busier than a centipede at a toe-countin’ contest.”

Defendant: “Yeah! You’re out of order! This whole trial is out of order!!”

Lawyer: “I say!, I say!, The boy is bozerk!!”

Defendant: “The bathroom is out of order! That vending machine is out of order!”

Lawyer: “Uh… Your Honor, every one of these letters is addressed to Santa Claus.”

Works. Every. Time.