Driving? Check. Drinking? Check. Watching porn? Check. Let’s roll.

Mariah Carey will only eat purple foods. In other news, McDonald’s has announced their new purple Big Mac.

The trailer for The Science of Sleep is up and it’s Gondrytastic.

Joe Biden wants to be president, so long as it doesn’t deter him from waxing his wife’s sweet ass.

Overheard in Metropolis is funny.

Looking for a bunch of big cocks? Try England.

The US House of Representatives showed their constituents where their priorities are today by passing legislation supporting manned trips to Mars:

“The House defeated moves to put on hold or pare back the moon-Mars mission, despite many lawmakers’ complaints about insufficient funds for local law enforcement, ocean protection and other domestic priorities.

“‘Sending human beings to Mars is in my judgment at best a luxury that this country cannot afford,’ said Rep. Barney Frank, a Massachusetts Democrat, referring to a $3.8 billion space exploration price tag next year.”

Of course, Barney Frank is an admitted gaywad, so what the hell does he know? Put a Chippendales on the Red Planet and see how fast he changes his queer tune.

Meanwhile, if you do plan to go to Mars, make sure you don’t have any plans to ease the pain of your terminal illness with medicinal ganja while you’re there:

“A perennial move to stop prosecutions of terminally and other seriously ill patients who use marijuana to ease their suffering, in states that allow it, gained some ground but was still rejected by 259-163.

“Rep. Tom Latham, an Iowa Republican, called marijuana a ‘gateway drug for heroin use.’”

I don’t know if Latham has plans to run for president in 2008, but I’m voting for him either way. Only an American hero can see that the gravest threat to our mighty blessed nation is drug use by dying people. Drugs kill, and if you’re an invalid with a fatal disease, it’s the duty of our government to make sure you die from that disease like God intended, not from drugs!

It happens all the time. First you’re smoking a joint to dull a fraction of the constant excrutiating pain that has you bedridden and praying for death, the next thing you know, you’re letting hookers shoot you up with speedballs at the Chelsea Hotel until you choke to death on your own vomit.

God bless you, Congressman Tom Latham.

Proving himself to be skilled in both analogies and jurisprudence, Michael Jackson’s attorney recently had this to say:

“[Michael Jackson is] just as forgetful as the famously forgetful Albert Einstein. Genius comes with eccentricity and quirkiness in other areas.”

You might be thinking to yourself that comparing Jackson to Einstein is as absurd as comparing your mother to someone who isn’t a diseased whore, but you’d be wrong. In fact, there are a number of other similarities that are downright eerie:

• Both had sisters named LaToya.

• Einstein formulated the Theory of General Relativity and Jackson generalized the Formula of Relative Theories.

• Both died in 1955.

• Both owe their careers to Berry Gordy.

• Einstein had a secretary named Jackson and Jackson likes to finger underage boys.

Uncanny!

Rev. Thomas Euteneuer is outraged that billionaire Warren Buffet has given over most of his money to the Gates Foundation. Why you ask? Well, because he’s a crazy Roman Catholic priest who heads up the anti-abortion organization Human Life International. Euteneuer believes right down to his crazy bones that Buffet and Gates are sinners because some of their money has gone to Planned Parenthood and birth control research.

“Referring to Josef Mengele, the infamous Nazi death camp doctor, Euteneuer said Buffett ‘will be known as the Dr. Mengele of philanthropy unless he repents.’” (AP)

Euteneuer went on to say that Bill Gates is the Goebbels of computer software moguls until he asks forgiveness for funding the murders of unborn children; that Bill Clinton is the Himmler of ex-Presidents until he atones for his many sins; and that Jeff Bridges is the Hasselhoff of movie stars until he apologizes for “Stick It.”

“What was Bridges thinking making that movie?” Euteneuer asked. “A gynamstics flick? God, did that ever suck.”

Finally there’s something that both pro-lifers and pro-choicers can agree on.

Rob Schneider collapsed from both food poisoning and heat exhaustion on the set of an upcoming movie.

“Schneider, 42, was filming the comedy “Big Stan” at a women’s prison near Stockton, about 80 miles east of San Francisco in the San Joaquin Valley where temperatures have soared above 100 in recent days. ‘The combination of bad food and the heat just hit him,’ said his publicist.”

Usually when you hear “food poisoning and exhaustion” it means “bulemia and cocaine abuse.” But I’m guessing Schneider’s current asking price prohibits a substantial coke habit. My money is on “depression and masturbation-related tendonitis.”

Comedy Central Insider interviews The State’s Joe Lo Truglio about Artie Lange’s Beer League. Boob, Teen Wolf and TiVo-sandwich references ensue.

Maria Sherapova declares her love for grass. Her stance on ass and cash remain unkown.

An embezzler was caught pretending to be Brad Pitt. Can you say viral marketing?

Remember how you were hoping David Hasselhoff’s estranged wife would channel her feelings about getting spousal-abused into an album? Here you go. Nice work, asshole.

Wondering where that torrent of nerd-jizz came from? The Transformers teaser trailer is up.

More than a year after cutting the head off a corpse with the intention of fashioning it into a bong, a 17-year-old Vermont boy faces up to seven years in jail:

“On April 8, 2005, Buckalew broke into a tomb, opened the lid of a casket and cut off the head of a corpse. He stole eyeglasses and a bow tie from the dead man. He then wrapped the head in plastic bags and took it home, The Caledonian-Record reported.

“The teen reportedly told friends that he planned to leave the head outside to dry and would then bleach it, a police affidavit said. The witnesses said his plan was to turn the skull into a bong — a pipe generally used to smoke marijuana.”

Hey, I heard the dead guy was a real pothead!

No, wait: This is conclusive proof that Deadheads are stoners!

No, no, even better: That kid got more head than I did when I was 17!

Man, there is nothing not funny about this story. I’ll bet the corpse’s killjoy family is all, “Wah! We don’t like our loved-one’s body parts being sawed off and desecrated as drug paraphernilia and blog fodder. Waaah!” Fucking narcs!

Legalize it, bitches!

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have narrowed the search in the orphan lotto, hinting to the press their desire to make their next adoptee an older male child.

“A source tells Us Weekly the couple plan to ‘adopt an (older) child to support the idea that people should adopt more children, not just babies.’”

The couple is said to have received counsel from director, Woody Allen, who highly recommends “adopting” older children.

A Pakistani prisoner reportedly woke up with a light bulb inside his ass and was not aware how it entered.

“Mohammad… swears he didn’t know the bulb was there: ‘When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this. I don’t know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners.’

The doctor treating Mohammad said he’d never encountered anything like it before, and doubted the felon’s story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose.

As much as I, too, doubt the probability of someone drugging a prisoner in order to sneak a light bulb into his anus, I also doubt the probability of said prisoner inserting a light bulb into his own anus. For what purpose? To what end? It all sounds like the beginning of a standard “moron joke.”

Q: Did you hear about the prisoner who shoved a light bulb up his ass?

A: What a shitty idea!”

They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but Paris Hilton apparently thinks it doesn’t apply to wildlife:

“Hilton says, ‘I bought, like, a monkey, a tiger and some ferrets. I tried to bring them on a commercial flight and they wouldn’t let me fly with all the animals. They said it wasn’t a traveling circus. So I had to drive all the way home from Vegas in the limo with all these animals, there was like six. It was a lot.’”

Can you imagine the smell in that limo? The animals must’ve wretched the whole way home.

As it turns out though, Paris didn’t expect any problems with the pets since she’d travelled with hundreds of crabs in her pants so many times without any complaints from the airline.

In a world… where poor people rise like effluvia from our states’ most fetid districts, and towers of money teeter like dominoes, the rich American way of life is under assault. Who will be able to hold back the onslaught?

John Roberts and his rag tag group of Supreme Court Justices are at it again. Partying hard, and presiding in favor of policies that benefit the small number of lobbyists and aristocrats who got them appointed in the first place even harder!

In Rulin’ Out Justice, you watched them rule that it is democratic for corrupt Texas bureaucrats to divide the Lone Star State up in the way most fitting to ignore black people’s opinions, and you knew what side of the bread their butter was melted on.

But what if the very Sun itself was threatening to melt everything that Americans, humans and minorities hold most dear? Will they be able to muster up the courage to do what’s wrong and set dangerous precedents that will keep the President’s friends from losing a fraction of their billion-dollar assets? Or will they pussy out and decide that human life is more important that short-term profit points?

This summer… the Earth will… GOP to Hell!

(Rated R for Republican. May not be suitable for children or anybody.)

When Britney Spears told Matt Lauer, “we’re country,” I don’t think she knew exactly which country she was talking about. Take a look at this quote from a recent interview in the UK rag OK!:

“To sum it up in a nutshell – being a mum is one of the most scary things there is. I didn’t want to respond to a lot of things people have been saying because it has been rubbish.”

Mum? Rubbish? Was the interviewer’s British contagious?

Spears went on to say, “Blimey! I mean, I expected to be arse over elbows about parenthood, but it leaves me feeling a right knackered bird, innit? If I’d known getting a little rumpy pumpy from Kevin’s John Thomas would leave me so snookered and all sixes and sevens, I’d told the bloke to forget the whole soddin’ thing, I would. Do you like me new hair colour, love? And when I say ‘colour,’ I’m spelling it with a ‘u,’ I am I am.”

Britney Spears and the world’s most abused airbrush teamed up to prove you can actually polish a turd.

Heather Mills thinks someone wants to assassinate her. If by “assassinate her” she means “forget she ever existed,” it’s too late.

Radioactive scorpions can cure brain cancer. So logically, a retarded squirrel will probably get rid of your genital warts.

Like you’d be surprised if Maury Povich wasn’t afraid of pickles.

Having successfully molested all of America’s boys, Michael Jackson will move to Europe.

Steven Seagal gives blues fans the blues.

It was bad enough when news came out about Rush Limbaugh carrying Viagra on a trip home from The Dominican Republic. But now, just as I was finally starting to get the images of his pasty, pathetic, perpetual boner out of my head, comes word of who he was plunging that pasty, pathetic, perpetual boner into:

“Rumors were swirling around Capitol Hill and beyond Tuesday that Rush Limbaugh is dating actress Mary Lynn Rajskub, who plays Chloe O’Brian[sic] on the Fox series “24.”

“If you saw the papers over the weekend, including The Washington Post, there were photos of Limbaugh planting a big kiss right on Rajskub’s lips during a dog-and-pony event at the Heritage Foundation.”

That’s right, the sexy-in-a-nerdy-way chick from Mr. Show and 24 has been tainted by Rush Limbaugh’s taint. What’s next? Tina Fey fucking G. Gordon Liddy? Samantha Bee felching Karl Rove? Morgan Webb fisting Jerry Falwell?

Hold me.

[Update via Lindsayism: Could this be a good thing? Could Mary Lynn be poised to annihilate Limbaugh emotionally like she once did to David Cross and Jon Brion? Developing...]

[Update #2: The kiss is supposedly in this video on The Heritage Foundation website. It's like 2 fucking hours long though, so good luck finding it. The video is 2 hours, not the kiss.]

Well, we’ve already discussed talking monkeys, mind-reading computers and singing Paris Hiltons, so I guess it’s about time we got into some writing worms.

What if I were to tell you that the worms of the world, after having spent the past several thousand or so years carefully drafting their message to humanity, are finally ready to reach across the superphylum-boundary and communicate with mankind? You’d be skeptical, right? Well, take a look at this green tomato, and its message of hope:

“hi“

Actually, the message appears to be “!h’i_“, but let’s give the worms a break, because they’re new to the whole grammatology thing. And the message is a tad vapid. We’d maybe like a little explanation for intestinal parasitic infestation or something. But you’re missing the point.

The worms are talking to us!

I know what you’re thinking. “What’s the big deal? Alan Colmes wrote an entire book.” Well, he had a really good editor.