The funniest, most depressing telling of The Aristocrats ever.

Mel Gibson and his pure, God-blessed, Aryan blood have entered rehab.

Coming soon to NewsMax.com: Is Wesley Snipes Black?

Merde!

Some jerk went and ruined basement cosmetic surgery for the rest of us.

Finally a distraction from the wars in the Middle East.

How about some cool trailers?
The Prestige
Stranger than Fiction
The Fountain
Children of Men

While fellow British George, Mr. Michael, picks up trash in a London park, Culture Club’s Boy George prefers to clean up the streets of New York City.

George O’Dowd… was ordered to do community service after pleading guilty in March to false reporting of an incident. [He] will perform his community service by picking up trash on city streets in the August heat, a sanitation spokesman said. The one-time Culture Club singer will be issued a shovel, broom, plastic bags and gloves when he reports Aug. 14 for five days of work, said department spokesman Vito Turso.

“This is the epitome of community service,” Turso told the Daily News for Monday editions. “It’s not like he’s going to be working in an air-conditioned office.”

You know what else this is the epitome of? Awesomeness. My one-time hero, the first man in makeup that didn’t frighten me, a man who promised to “Tumble 4 Ya,” and the (other) reason everyone remembers The Crying Game, has been reduced to picking up used condoms and Starbucks coffee cups in the city-that-neither-sleeps-nor-picks-up-after-itself. What’s next? Dead or Alive’s Peter Burns becomes a chimney sweep? Gary NuMan washing Cars? Frankie Goes to the Bathroom in Hollywood (and cleans it!)?

This just in: Ten-year-old me had awful taste in music. Present-day me makes bad puns.

Oh, so you know all the lines to every Star Wars movie, even the shitty ones? Yawn. You can trace every Sith master/apprentice back to Darths Bane and Zannah? Uh, huh. You know every battle in the Great Hyperspace War/Naddist Uprising? Oh look, that paint’s drying over there.

Really, you should be ashamed of yourself. You call yourself a Star Wars fanatic? You don’t deserve to suck on a tauntaun’s left testicle.

Now this guy is a Star Wars fanatatic! He raised $60,000 to shoot a film that will take place between episodes 3 and 4.

The film, titled Secrets of the Rebellion, is set in the days prior to the original Star Wars Episode IV, A New Hope.

Actor Jim Siokos of Davenport, Iowa, will re-create Harrison Ford’s Han Solo character, as he wins the Millennium Falcon from Lando Calrissian. The film will delve into the the downfall of the Jedi, the theft of the Death Star blueprints, and the Empire’s efforts to reclaim them.

Oh, and he’s not going to make a dime off it, or else George Lucas will sue his ass.

You might as well get a girlfriend and learn to throw a football. Your identity has been vaporized.

While speaking at a republican fundraising event, Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney used a racial epithet to describe the controversial big dig construction project.

“The best thing politically would be to stay as far away from that tar baby as I can,” he told a crowd of about 100 supporters in Ames, Iowa.

Romney, a potential presidential candidate in 2008, apologized for the statement, saying he was unaware that ‘some people’ found the term ‘tar baby’ offensive.

“I was talking to my black friend just the other day,” Romney added. “I told him he was one the smartest tar babies I knew and he didn’t look offended at all. He simply went on about his business of shining my shoes. I love that guy; he knows his place and doesn’t try to sleep with my daughters. Wish I could remember his name. Regardless, he shines shoes with the best of them!”

I couldn’t let the Mel Gibson story die without posting our list of favorite Mel Gibson movies.

• Tequila Sunrise
• The Road Warrior
• Mad (at Jews!) Max
• The Man With a Shitface
• The Passion Fruit Daquiri of the Christ
• (Drunkenly Driving Into Stop) Signs
• Bird on a DWIre
• The Year of Driving Dangerously
• Ransom Kid Over Because He Was So Drunk
• ConsBeeracy Beery
• Gallipopeed-my-pants
• Wine Women Want
• Heineken Run

Mel Gibson issued an apology Saturday morning after getting arrested for driving under the influence in Malibu, California. Apparently, Gibson was belligerent and out of control during incident, threatening the arresting officers and making several offensive remarks.

“The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: ‘Fucking Jews… The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.’ Gibson then asked the deputy, ‘Are you a Jew?’”

Best of all, though, was this:

“A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, ‘What do you think you’re looking at, sugar tits?’”

I think that’s kind of perfect. Who else can you picture, but Mel Gibson saying something like that? I mean, he’s used the term “sugar tits” in pretty much every one of his movies. Remember in Braveheart?

“Freedom, sugar tits!!!”

Or in Lethal Weapon:

“That’s a real badge. I’m a real cop. The Holocaust never happened. And this is a real gun, sugar tits.”

And, of course, he used the term in this line from his classic film Those Darn Jews!

“Darn those Jews, sugar tits!”

So it’s great to know that even when on a crazy drunken anti-Semitic tirade Gibson has a flair for the dramatic. It’s one thing to blame Jews for all that’s wrong with the world, but to blame Jews and use a classic cinematic line like “sugar tits.” That’s what makes him the A-list star we’d never ever invite over to watch Seinfeld. Bravo, Mel! Bravo!

Hey, kids! Do you love the reefer but hate the damaging effects of inhaling noxious fumes? Do you love sucking on candy, but hate the boring effects of not being stoned? What to do?

Why not try new Marijuana Gumball?

Marijuana Gumball is a sweet delicious way to see the music and enhance your X-Box-playing catatonia. Using the innovative powers of tetrahydrocannabinol, now you can toke-up right in home room. Awesome.

Al Gore may be raking in the cheddar with his pro-global-warming flick, but not everyone can make a widely released documentary. Luckily, there’s still some dough for you in the climate change debate, as the utility companies are throwing all kinds of cash at just about anyone willing to denounce it:

“A Colorado electricity cooperative is urging other power groups to support global warming skeptics and has donated $100,000 to a climatologist who has labeled some of his colleagues ‘alarmists.’”

So, yeah, global warming? Total, complete horseshitty, nonsense. The ravings of retarded, lunatic, freedom-hating, communist child-molesters. You know who believed in global-warming? Hitler. And Judas. And that guy who pushed Baby Jessica in the well.

Moreover, pollution is actually awesome. Drinking mercury-tainted tap-water gives you a huge dick, and emits a scent that attracts supermodels and diamonds. And supermodels made of diamonds. And diamonds made of supermodels.

And don’t even get us started on how much factory emmissions rule. We knew this one dude who lived next to a chemical plant and breathed a bunch of fumes and smoke all day. Eventually he won the lottery and his whole house turned into chocolate-flavored rainbows. And his dog started shitting bacon cheeseburgers. And God gave him like 8 blowjobs a minute for the rest of his life, which is a lot of blowjobs considering the guy is now immortal.

So, apparently, there’s no such thing as black holes.

Maybe. Actually, we don’t know, because this article is not written in any language that we can properly decifer. Or, well, actually, it’s written in English–or at least with English words–but the words don’t come together in any way that actually means anything to us.

Here’s the deal: some scientists found a “MECO” (Magnetic, Eternally Collapsing Object), they think, inside a quasar and for some reason that mean black holes don’t exist. Why? If you can translate this article, we’d love to know.

Hooray! We’re second most totally fuckable.

You’re mama’s so fat, X-rays can’t penetrate the densely-packed adipose tissue beneath her skin. Seriously, man, tell her to go on a diet because that shit ain’t healthy.

The Brangelina Baby is not crafted from the flesh of man.

Death via traffic.

Death via roller coaster.

Death via chess. (Kinda.)

Awesome How’s Your News Clip: “Happy birthday to my spiritual brother, Chad Everett.”

Most actors decline to follow Daryl Hannah‘s lead, in just about every situation. Not so for Val Kilmer, whose downwardly spiraling career has got him up in a tree.

Actor Val Kilmer sits in a treehouse to forget about Hollywood¹.

The Batman Forever star² has revealed he likes to escape to his play house in the branches… because he can be completely alone³.

He told USA Today: “Eventually I will build a new house here by the river, have some organic gardens to farm what I need and just get back to the land. In a way, this treehouse is my first step in that direction⁴.”

“My son is a monkey⁵. He’ll be up on that tin roof in no time.”

¹In the case of Hollywood v. Val Kilmer, it doesn’t take a Real Genius to figure out who’s forgetting about whom.

²Either, “Forever” is French for “re-cast,” or this film was titled on Opposite Day.

³You want to be completely alone? Try standing in the Val Kilmer section of Blockbuster.

⁴If you’re looking to be homeless and living in a tree, I’m pretty sure starring in Mindhunters was the first step in that direction.

⁵What’s this about having a monkey-child? Cause that’s actually kind of awesome. Does the Ice-Man cometh gorilla sperm? We’ve been warning you guys this could happen, but it’s not until a celebrity goes public that you take any interest. Fools!

Firecrotched actress Lindsay Lohan was rushed from a movie set to a hospital where she was allegedly treated for heat exhaustion:

“The 20-year-old actress was taken by private car from the movie set to the hospital, where she spent several hours for treatment of overheating and dehydration. She was given a Vitamin B-12 shot.

“Her publicist, Leslie Sloan Zelnick, confirmed to ‘The Showbuzz’ that Lohan will be returning to the set tomorrow.

“Lohan was filming in 105-degree weather for 12 hours on Tuesday. ‘Georgia Rule’ also stars Jane Fonda and Felicity Huffman.”

Interpretting something like that can be a little difficult. Fortunately, we at Junkiness speak publicist and can offer these rough translations to you, our loyal readers:

“Overheating” = Overdose

“Dehydration” = Choked on vomit

“105-degree heat” = 3 ounces of cocaine, 8 hits of acid, a handful of monkey tranquilizers, 35 grams of dried tree-frog pelts and a shot of Febreeze

“The set” = Andy Dick’s basement

“Felicity Huffman” = A three-legged donkey

“Jane Fonda” = Peter Fonda

“Filming” = Hanggliding off of the Hollywood sign while making passionate committed love to an elderly Eskimo dwarf with a colostomy bag and Tourette’s Syndrome

“Vitamin B-12 shot” = Puréed orphan hearts

Writing these quick little posts can be hard work. But sometimes a news item is so ridiculous it just writes itself, and you’re free to kick back and let it do all heavy lifting for you. Case in point, this story about David Hasselhoff being banned from boarding a plane for being drunk.

“The troubled actor – who recently claimed he had beaten his alcohol problems – ranted to airline staff and VIP passengers about his divorce and moaned, ‘My life is a mess.’”

That alone is enough material to be snarky about, but then comes this:

“An onlooker said: ‘He was drinking alone and staring into space. He started ranting incoherently. It was clear he was talking about his wife and the messy divorce. He was sobbing and nodding his head.’”

And this:

“During his drunken stupor the star stumbled into a duty free shop and lifted up the manageress.”

So now we have a shitfaced Hasselhoff in an airport sobbing about his miserable life, randomly picking up people. It doesn’t get any better than that, right?

Wrong:

“Onlookers were even more horrified when a dark wet patch appeared around the actor’s groin area.”

Yes, it’s pretty much the perfect gossip story. I’m almost afraid to write anything else for fear of tainting it. Thankfully, I don’t really have to as Hasselhoff has given us this poignant denouement:

“He was finally allowed to board a flight two hours later, but was taken there in a buggy – usually reserved for elderly passengers.”

Last night a bicyclist was trapped underneath a bus full of liquored-up cock teasers.

[A] Girls Gone Wild tour bus collided with a bicyclist in Iowa City, Iowa, landing the cyclist in the hospital. Firefighters arrived to find a male bicylist trapped beneath the tour bus, where he remained for 20 minutes before high-pressure air bags could be used to lift the vehicle and get him out. The accident occurred as part of the Girls’ bar-hopping national publicity tour, which pulls into Anaheim, Calif. on Wednesday. Cyclists beware.

You know, if you wanted to take a peek under their skirts, I’m pretty sure there’s an easier way. Witnesses speculate the bus driver may have been distracted by one or two or eight glitter-doused nipple flashes. One bystander reportedly heard a slurred female voice exclaim, “Hey ya’ll – look what I can do with this gearshift!” just before the accident occured.

Lance Bass has come out of his NASA-approved closet and admitted he is gay. He told People that he is in a committed relationship with former Amazing Race winner Reichen Lehmkuhl.

“The thing is, I’m not ashamed – that’s the one thing I want to say,” he explains of his decision to come out. “I don’t think it’s wrong, I’m not devastated going through this. I’m more liberated and happy than I’ve been my whole life. I’m just happy.”

Good for Lance. I’m sure it’s been difficult for him, given his celebrity and all. I’m glad he can now be himself in the public eye.

In other news, Clay Aiken will be online tonight around 10pm looking for new “friends” to have lots of “fun” with.