Sen. Conrad Burns of Montana (recently in the news due to his fond yammering about the “little Guatemalan man” who works on his plantation) raised several more hackles during his remarks at a fundraiser, when he suggested that terrorist sleeper cells were lurking in our nation’s taxis:

At the campaign event with [Laura] Bush, Burns talked about the war on terrorism, saying a “faceless enemy” of terrorists “drive taxi cabs in the daytime and kill at night.” … The campaign said Thursday that the senator was simply pointing out terrorists can be anywhere.

When asked to clarify “anywhere,” Burns provided the following examples of other places terrorists might be hiding:

• Behind convenience store counters
• At any restaurant sellin’ that weird pita bread shit
• In San Francisco coffeehouses
• In the trunk of Al Gore’s hybrid
• At the United Nations
• Beneath Cindy Sheehan’s clever disguise
• Outer BinLadinia
• With the wild Injuns
• On “The Daily Show”
• Anywhere with “-istan” in the name
• In that Hilton trollop’s ladyparts
• In “Darkietown” or whatever they call it nowadays

When prodded to offer locations where it would not be worth looking for terrorists, Burns suggested:

• In the Army
• At a church
• In Montana (other than Darkietown)

In England, a teenage girl was recently stabbed in the eye for liking AC/DC:

[A group of students] approached her as she chatted with friends outside the school science block and one of the three girls launched the attack, stabbing her a number of times with the sharp scissor blades.

“Somebody asked me on the first day what kind of music I listened to, so I said AC/DC.”

She said that, as a result of this, she was told she was a “metaler” and found herself being shunned by other classmates.

This seems pretty crazy until you realize the culprits were all Angus Young’s kids, and then it’s just sad.

While filming a love scene for Trust the Man, Eva Mendes admits she had to get liquored up. It sounds like she might still be drunk:

“I had to be the guy, the aggressor and I am not the guy. I am Jane. You are Tarzan. You take me, I don’t take you. I had to suck down a Heineken right before that scene. Absolutely!”

So there you have it. If you want to seduce Eva Mendes, you just have to approach her in a loin-cloth and give her a pitcher of skunky Dutch beer. I tried it last week in her garage and she wasn’t at all into it, but apparently she’s come around since then. Maybe I’ll try it again, only this time I won’t coat my body in Cheese Whiz first. As my granny always said, that’s something that should be saved for the second date anyway.

With his daughters entering puberty, Sylvester Stallone is pretending he’s not 60 fucking years old and threatening their potential suitors:

“I know I cannot hold on to them forever, but I will as long as I can. I pity the first boy to knock on the door for a date. I’m gonna buy 10 more ‘Rambo’ outfits just to make sure they’re too scared to put a foot wrong. They will probably all run a mile, which suits me just fine.”

Continued Stallone, “If that doesn’t work, I’ll buy 10 Judge Dredd outfits and really put a scare in them. What do you mean, ‘what’s Judge Dredd?’ It was a talkie I did back in ’95 with Armand Assante. What do you mean, ‘who’s Armand Assante?’ You kids these days with your iPods and your Dane Cooks and your natural teeth. No respect for history. Bring me some pudding. I can’t take my nap without some pudding first. My diaper is full. Will you change me? Is it time for Matlock yet? I like birds. Is Ike still the president?”

Rapper and Republican black guy, 50 Cent, has awarded himself The George W. Bush Award for Excellence in the Field of Being a Stupid Dick.

Said the award’s recipient…

You wanna know something? I actually like Bush. In some ways, I’m the George W. Bush of hip hop – nobody likes me, but I’m still gonna run it for the next four years.

Way to go, 50 Cent!

Despite this great honor that he has bestowed upon himself, the unlikable untalented rapper does not plan to run for president or kill tens of thousands of Arab civilians, as many fans who hate him might have suspected.

I don’t need that kind of pressure. All I need is a sequel to my video game and a new hit single. (Actual quote!)

Previous winners of the prestigious honor include…

• Terrell Owens: the George W. Bush of football
• Derek Jeter: the George W. Bush of baseball
• Jared Leto: the George W. Bush of actors/shitty indie rockers
• Giselle W. Bundchen: the George W. Bush of models
• Lassie: The George W. Bush of bitches
• Carla: the George W. Bush of Cheers
• Cargo Floods: the George W. Bush of pants
• Pork: the George W. Bush of white meats
• Elizabethtown: the George W. Bush of Cameron Crowe movies
• J: the George W. Bush of letters
• George W. Bush: the George W. Bush of presidents

Veteran actor Glenn Ford has died again. He died in 1990, 1993, 1997 and twice in 2002. He was 90 at the time of his latest death.

Ford made scores of films during his 53-year career, including Superman, The Blackboard Jungle, and Gilda.

This particular death of his has really hit me hard. I was crushed when he died in ’90 and ’93 and ’97 and the second time in ’02 – the first time in ’02 not so much – but this go around it really hurts to see him go. Lord knows how I’m going to handle his next death.

Pink thinks she could stand to lose some weight, but admits she doesn’t have what it takes to go the extra mile to do something about it. She says:

“I’d love to be thinner but I don’t have the discipline to be anorexic or bulimic.”

For god’s sake, Pink, suck it up. Your fans want to see the strong-willed and confident Pink, not the I-can’t-throw-up-after-every-meal-because-I’m-a-fat-sloth Pink. Stop being so weak. We all know that the only way to lose weight is through an emotional disorder. Diet and exercise is for poor people. So choose a finger and get to work, tubby!

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer to make beautiful music together figuratively, continue to make terrible music literally.

Regular videogames not gay enough for you? Okay.

Speaking of gay people… John Travolta is straight, but his boyfriend is a gay chubby-chaser.

Speaking of gay people… this sketch about the first gay guys ever from the upcoming Norm MacDonald CD is hilarious.

Speaking of gay people… Who here ordered the Mario Lopez nude scene? It’s hot and ready.

… We just thought you should know.

Rapper Ice Cube is taking the hiphop world to task for ignoring important global issues in favor of superficial “bling”-centric rhyming:

“There’s too much of that ‘Get your wheels, get your girls, f**k the world, don’t even think about Iraq or the Middle East’ attitude.”

The former [Person of color] With Attitude apparently plans to address the state of affairs himself: “All we’re hearing from America is booty music. If American rappers don’t step up their game, then I will.”

Mr. Cube may have begun work already, as reporters discovered this paper napkin which the rapper had left behind:

Thomas Kinkade, the self-proclaimed “most widely collected living U.S. artist,” is under investigation by the FBI. The feds are looking into claims that Kinkade (“The Painter of Light”) exploited his Christianity by persuading investors to open galleries before ruining them financially.

“‘These dealers became investors primarily because they were believers in faith, love, family and God, and the paintings reflect those values,’ said Joseph Ejbeh, a Rochester Hills, Mich.-based attorney.”

This news breaks my heart because just this weekend I came home from the mall with a limited edition Thomas Kinkade Biblical Figurine Cookie/Nut Combo Pack. The dealer swore the piece would double in value by the time I got home, provided I didn’t eat the cookies or nuts, of course. Now it looks like all my non-Biblical-cookie/nut-eating was for naught. Can you believe that fucking shit?

Tom Cruise and his indentured concubine Katie Holmes have decided to memorialize a milestone in the development of their “totally human” child, Suri—by casting the results of her first bowel movement in bronze:

“… A baby’s first meal of solid food may be a baby’s first meal at the dinner table,” said David Kesting, the director of Capla Kesting Fine Art… “A bronzed cast of baby’s first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family.”

Another possibility—not adequately explored by the mainstream media—is that no “bronzing” is necessary, and lustrous, metallic poop is the natural result of being cultivated in a Thetan-free environment. Be on the lookout for the following evidence supporting this theory:

• Suspicious clanging noises every time Suri uses the bathroom
• “Preparation H” tube in Cruise’s medicine cabinet actually found to contain Brasso
• Increase in orders for titanium-reinforced Kevlar diapers and ten-packs of toilets
• Cruise’s plumber purchases a Lambourghini with the license plate “BRONZPOO”
• Christmas presents from Suri include curiously homemade-looking cowbells, cymbals, trumpets, and cannonballs

While Shiloh is still learning how to fill up a diaper and Suri is undergoing surgery to remove its fangs and tentacles, Sean Preston Spears-Federline is already talking, bitches:

Kevin Federline is convinced his baby son Sean Preston has said his first word – “dada”.

A pal of Britney Spears’ hubby tells us: “Britney isn’t convinced, but is happy to see Kevin paying so much attention.”

It’s only one word, but the kid is off to a great start. All he needs is a few more words and he’ll be able to communicate just about everything he needs to say…

“Dada, I’m too young for Absolut and Red Bull.”

“Dada, that’s insulation, not cotton-candy.”

“Dada, you pooped on hip-hop and then date-raped it.”
“Dada, Popo-Zao can’t be a noun, a verb and an adjective in the same sentence.”

“Dada, Mama is trying to breast-feed me through her bellybutton again.”

“Dada, that’s a grizzly bear, not cotton-candy.”

Having cemented his status as the creepiest guy to ever not kill a little girl, John Mark Karr has cast Johnny Depp to play him in the imaginary movie he just greenlit:

Karr says, “I already know the actor I want to play my part…Johnny Depp…He reminds me so much of me. And he looks like me. And he would play the part perfectly. Very similar to my personality except for the fact that Willy Wonka did not know how to treat children, he had no knowledge of how to be around children. It’s his look, it’s his age, it’s the fact that he’s an attractive man and he fits my part perfectly.”

You have to hand it to Karr. He provides blog-fodder to rival the whoriest of hotel heiresses, but he skeevs me out so much I can’t bring myself to get snarky. Everytime I try to write a post about him, I get all nauseous and shaky and end up paying a homeless guy to spoon me to sleep. Usually I just pay them to pee on me. Well done, John Mark Karr. Well done.

Foxy Brown pleads innocent to beating up some nail salon stylists, then reverses it and pleads innocent. Then double-reverses that which makes her still innocent. Then triple-dog dares someone to find her guilty of killing JonBenet Ramsey. Then backs off, whacks off and fucks the other two. All were confused.

The President may be losing some great photo-ops if Ernesto doesn’t start getting more hurricany.

File under: Things That Are Never Gonna Happen.

NBC apologizes for accidentally airing something that was worth something.

First Steve Spurrier and now Tom Cruise. Why can’t the Redskins be more like the Cowboys and just stick to assholes inside the NFL?