Don’t forget to enter our caption contest for a chance to win the new South Park: The Hits, Vol. 1 DVD set.

These fake movie posters are ‘uhlarious! [TV Squad]

America: Setting the moral-standard for genital-electrocution. [The Onion]

Oh my god there’s this guy and he’s trying to go to every single Starbucks in the whole wide world and drink at least one cup of caffeinated coffee at each one that he goes too and he’s already been to like 5,778 of them and one time he drank 29 cups of Starbucks coffee in a single day! [Radar]

C. Monks has never been in a unicorn, but he is in a book. You know, books? They’re like analog websites. [Utter Wonder]

Fake Michelle Malkin bikini photos make her seem considerably less like a warty demon-cock. [Jossip]

According to The Sun, the above image of Courtney Love is the cover of a new photo collection by David LaChappelle:

The picture is based on the well-known image of the Virgin Mary and Jesus Christ. Courtney wears a blue dress the same colour as Mary’s robes. And she is depicted nursing a dying man who looks like Jesus. He also bears more than a passing resemblance to former Nirvana legend Kurt Cobain who killed himself with a shotgun in 1994. But instead of crucifixion wounds, the man has similar wounds on his arm that could be seen to represent syringe injection marks. There are also a stack of pills and medicines on a table in the shot.

Word has it they originally wanted there to be a crossdressing grizzly bear in the background raping Ghandi and eating a poop-sandwich, but ultimately decided that would be way too classy.

The Reagans speak out to the youth of the nation about the wonders of drugs…

On October 3, Comedy Central is releasing a new 2-disc DVD collection called South Park: The Hits, Vol. 1 featuring ten of the show’s most popular episodes with commentary by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. We at Junkiness have had an advanced copy bestowed upon us and it can be yours if you write the funniest caption for this photo:

Entries should be submitted in the comments section of this post. Enter as many times as you like. The winner will be announced Monday morning.

In Touch magazine has released a list of the 10 best fartmakers in the world. Unsurprisingly, Beyonce’s bountiful anus is tops:

1. Beyoncé Knowles
2. Jessica Simpson
3. Salma Hayek
4. Jessica Biel
5. Halle Berry
6. Tyra Banks
7. Scarlett Johansson
8. Jennifer Lopez
9. Eva Longoria
10. Jessica Alba

Rounding out the bottom of the bottoms list were:

49,990. Wilford Brimley
49,991. Bishop Desmond Tutu
49,992. Dakota Fanning
49,993. Maya Angelou
49,994. Baby Jessica
49,995. Pope Benedict XVI
49,996. Your mom
49,997. Martin Landau
49,998. Dick Cheney
49,999. Suri Cruise
50,000. Ann Coulter

Senator Trent Lott says he doesn’t see what all the fuss is about in Iraq. In particular, he’s baffled by the religious conflicts that many believe are leading the country into a civil war.

“It’s hard for Americans, all of us, including me, to understand what’s wrong with these people,” he said. “Why do they kill people of other religions because of religion? Why do they hate the Israeli’s and despise their right to exist? Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me.“

I know exactly what he means. Like, the other day I was in a 7/11, and the guy at the counter was all, “You didn’t give me enough money for that Slush Puppy” and I was all, “Shut up and go back to Baghdad, bitch!” Then he said, “I’m not from Iraq, I was born and raised in Toronto.” And I was like, “Wow. My bad.” So I gave him the correct amount of money and left.

That Slush Puppy was fantastic, though.

Billionaire entrepreneur Mark Cuban is not sold on You Tube. He thinks the video sharing company won’t be the major money maker that others believe it will. He says:

“Anyone who buys that (YouTube) is a moron” because of potential lawsuits from copyright violations. “There is a reason they haven’t yet gone public, they haven’t sold. It’s because they are going to be toasted.”

Cuban added, “I want to take a dump on You Tube. You Tube sucks ass. I want to take a dump on You Tube, eat it, and then vomit it back up. Then I’ll hurl a giant loogie on You Tube and eat it all up again. Then later on I’ll crap it out all over a sign I made that says ‘You Tube sucks ass’. Go Mavs!”

Wacky alien-loving/clone-making cultists take up new cause. [Boing Boing]

We didn’t think it was possible, but we’ve found a controversy that’s even more geeky than a blog war. [New York Times]

So is she now “Anna Nicole Stern” or “Anna Nicole K. Smith” or what? [Star Magazine]

A Screech video minus a Dirty Sanchez, but with a whole lotta whore brownies. [You Tube]

Jenny McCarthy participated in a new ABC News television special and opened up about humping Jim Carrey:

[N]ow divorced, she’s found the right context for her love life with movie star Jim Carrey.

“It’s very real, very loving, very spiritual,” said McCarthy of her relationship with Carrey. “And the sex is beautiful.”

She can yammer on all she wants, but until I see it for myself, I won’t be convinced that sex between Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey doesn’t involve lubed-up rubber chickens, midgets, dueling Jack Nicholson impressions, farting in each other’s face, other midgets, seltzer bottles, gorilla costumes, farting midgets and Soupy Sales. And believe me, I tried all that in a dumpster with a homeless guy last night, and he didn’t think it was spiritual or beautiful at all.

A professor in Beijing, China has been criticized by officials for disrobing while giving a lecture to students. Mo Xiaoxin, 56, was lecturing on the human body and art. In an effort to hammer home a point about the importance of the body and to “challenge taboos” he stripped down to his birthday suit. He invited his students to take off their clothes, as well.

“Professor Mo appeared emotionally excited at the time,” the [The Beijing News] quoted a student as saying. “As he was talking, he undid his belt and took off his pants, and stood naked in the middle of the lecture podium.”

Later, Professor Mo said that it was all a big misunderstanding, stemming from him hearing a student’s question wrong. “It turns out the student wanted to learn about an ‘ancient Chinese secret,’” he explained, “not a ‘naked Chinese teacher.’ My bad.”

Dallas Cowboys wide receiver and all-around nice guy Terrell Owens, who was recently admitted to a hospital for an “adverse reaction” to prescription pain medication, wants to set the record straight: He definitely didn’t not try to not kill not himself.

“The rumor of me taking 35 pills is absurd,” said Owens, who said the rest of the pills in the empty bottle were in a drawer.

You see? The whole thing is ridiculous. The other 33 pills that his publicist didn’t see him take were hiding in his drawer. Because they were shy. You may not know this, because you’re not a doctor or an insane football player, but pain medication has a notoriously fragile demeanor, so it’s best to keep them safe and comfortable in your sock drawer instead of the bottle designed to hold them.

And I know what you’re thinking, Mr./Ms. Smartypants: Doesn’t the hospital report state that Terrell admitted taking all the pills and trying to hurt himself? They don’t just make stuff like that up, do they?

Have you ever heard of a misunderstanding? Huh? It was a simple lack of communication. His publicist asked him if he had swallowed all the pills and tried to hurt himself, and he thought she said, “Are you ready to take the Cowboys all the way to the Super Bowl this year?”

Just grow up.

Speaking out against long-standing reports to the contrary, Nick Carter has denied beating up Paris Hilton:

The singer says he was so hurt by Hilton’s infidelity that he retaliated by cheating on her. Shortly after the affairs, the relationship ended and Hilton appeared in public with the bruises. Carter insists, “I would never lay a hand on a woman.”

Added Carter, “So you just want the regular wash or the super? The super’s only two bucks more and you get the underbody wash and the extra sealant wax.”

Just when you thought things couldn’t get boringer in Iraq, today there’s word that 40 men were found tortured and killed. Ho-hum:

The bodies found in Baghdad, more apparent victims of sectarian death squads, had been dumped in eastern and western Baghdad in the past 24 hours, police said. All showed signs of torture, had been shot, and had their hands and feet bound, police Lt. Thayer Mahmoud said.

Are we supposed to be shocked by this? Come on, Iraq, give us something we can bat an eyelash at. 40? Is that all you got? How about 4000 men ground up, made into sloppy-joes, eaten by talking unicorns and pooped onto the ark of the covenant? Now that might surprise us a little, but 40 tortured and killed is just hacky.

The always-brilliant Dustin Rowles lovingly assembles a near-perfect movie-music mix-tape complete with YouTube clips and spot-on commentary. [Pajiba]

Kate Moss has finally kicked her not-doing-coke habit. [MollyGood]

What if Marmaduke was funny? [The Marmaduke Project via .:DataWhat?:.]

Hot dog! Congress legalized torture! Finally Kevin Federline is free to release his album. [ABC News]

With fans like Clay Aiken’s, who wouldn’t be gay? [D-Listed]

During a recent appearance on Howard Stern’s satellite radio show, Jackass-star Bam Margera admitted to having sex with Jessica Simpson. Predictable, Simpson’s father Joe was none too pleased:

“As a father, I want to go beat the crap out of people who say things like this,” Jessica’s dad/manager, Joe, tells Us [Magazine]. “It really hurts to hear people say things like this about my daughter.”

Continued Simpson, “I mean, yes, Jessica has smooth, fragrant skin, bountiful breasts and inviting buttocks, but that doesn’t mean Bam Margera can just have his way with her. He should be forced to resort to masturbating and sobbing to an elaborate shrine of her baby pictures in his basement like the rest of us. At the very least, he should be content to simply give his penis papercuts while watching her sleep, like I do with Ashlee.”