“Do you think a super strong person could yank off his own head?” [Ask MetaFilter via BFW734]

Has Topher Grace lost a bunch of cred or has Ivanka Trump gained a bunch? [BWE]

More Republican dudes trying to get on top of a dude. [AlterNet]

Along with every straight woman on earth, boxer-clad Brad Pitt gets wet. [MollyGood]

K-Fed plans to read write his first book. [Socialite's Life]

John Kerry grows a pair almost exactly two years too late. [Daily Kos]

Paris Hilton dressed up as one of those tranny cops for Halloween. [The Deli]

Brandon Davis is a vagina-head. [Evil Beet]

“I go out to Walter Reed quite often and see these brave young soldiers who have served and sacrificed so much. Many of them have lost limbs, as you know. And it’s a very sad thing to see. But at the same time it’s very uplifting. Because these young people are so proud of what they’ve done… This generation of men and women who are serving in the military are the very, very, very best of us.”

Seeing as Duckworth lost both her legs fighting in Iraq and was treated at Walter Reed, it’s pretty clear John McCain hijacked the podium at the Roskam event and declared his unwavering support for the Democrat. Well done, Senator, you sly dog.

Sylvester Stallone has decided to retire. The action hero has decided to release two, maybe three more turds and then he’s calling it quits. (In related news, Stephen Dorff hasn’t worked in months.)

Sylvester explained: “After I make [Rambo 4: In the Serpent's Eye], I see my future as a director. I’ve been displeased with my last few films, as well as some in the past.”

Rocky Balboa – the sixth film in the [Rocky] series – is scheduled to be released in December.

With retirement just around the corner, Stallone is taking some advice from Kevin Federline and looking into life on a farm:

Sondra Prill is sort of the musical equivalent of Brian Atene. There are a lot of really amazing things about Sondra herself this video, but it shouldn’t be overlooked that the host looks like a fatter, retarded Patton Oswalt. Enjoy.

Fearing Hollywood might corrupt his children, chart-bottomer Kevin Federline has decided to pack up the family and move:

“Showbusiness is no place for kids. Even though my wife did it, and it turned out OK for her. Actually, it turned out a lot better than OK. And if that means I take my family out of Los Angeles to grow up on a farm, then that’s what I’ve got to do.”

Asked what he would grow on his farm, K-Fed replied, “I don’t know, yo. Maybe busghetti; I love busghetti, yo. Or maybe I could grow some Chinese food. Do eggrolls grow on trees like apples or in the ground like Cheetos?”

I tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen to me. Everyone thought it was a good idea to tell kids not to have sex. And now the federal government is targeting that same message at unmarried adults up to age 29 as part of its abstinence-only programs. By the year 2010, you’ll be on Social Security by the time you get to bone a chick. Except by then, it’ll be called “Financial Freedom” and you won’t even be able to afford a condom, which will be illegal anyway.

“They’ve stepped over the line of common sense,” said James Wagoner, president of Advocates for Youth, a Washington, D.C.-based non-profit that supports sex education. “To be preaching abstinence when 90% of people are having sex is in essence to lose touch with reality. It’s an ideological campaign. It has nothing to do with public health.”

But Wade Horn, assistant secretary for children and families at the Department of Health and Human Services, said the revision is aimed at 19- to 29-year-olds because more unmarried women in that age group are having children.

“The message is ‘It’s better to wait until you’re married to bear or father children,’ ” Horn said. “The only 100% effective way of getting there is abstinence.”

“It’s true,” replied one concerned citizen. “Only a combination of information, affordable birth control, and legalized abortion can top abstinence as the most effective method of reducing unwanted pregnancies. But where the Hell are we gonna get that?”

When criticized that abstinence programs give no instruction on birth control or safe sex, President Bush replied, “Well, I had to do something. I’ve got to keep those pages out of the reach of Congress.”

Link via Franky Pelvis

In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, British scientists have successfully grown the first artificial liver from stem cells.

As it stands, the mini organ can be used to test new drugs, preventing disasters such as the recent ‘Elephant Man’ drug trial. Using lab-grown liver tissue would also reduce the number of animal experiments. Within five years, pieces of artificial tissue could be used to repair livers damaged by injury, disease, alcohol abuse and paracetamol overdose. And then, in just 15 years’ time, entire liver transplants could take place using organs grown in a lab.

When asked how the team planned to celebrate this achievement, the Newcastle scientists replied, “We plannin’ ta boil it, and serve it wif cabbage an’ a nice bread puddin’, we are. Tally ho!”

Kenny G is working his way up from booooo-rrring!! to just plain boring, trading in his saxamophone for a set of clubs. He’s recently been named the “best golfer among music makers” by Golf Digest. The magazine didn’t rank “worst perm” or “least likely to help you get laid,” but sources speculate he’s at the top of those lists as well, with only slight competition in the perm category from Kevin DuBrow and my eighth grade boyfriend.

“With the sax, I learned technique well enough so that it feels like part of my body and I just express myself,” he said. “That’s where I want to get in golf.”

Rocker Alice Cooper, who ranked 11th on the list with a 5.3 handicap, said playing golf helped him kick his drug habit. “Golf is the crack of sports,” he told the magazine. “Once I took it seriously, I loved it. It absolutely saved my life.”

When he was told Kenny G wants to express himself in golf the way he does in music, Cooper became enraged, breaking his golf club in half, hissing, jamming a golf tee into his neck and pouring a bag of heroin onto his gushing carotid artery.

Borat gives drunk dudes everywhere yet another reason to get naked. [MollyGood, Defamer]

It must be really hard to keep your clothes on when you’re a celebrity. [CeleBitchy]

The GOP, like everybody else, likes its porn. [Americablog]

Sean Hannity has voting advice for Democrats. [Political Cortex]

Comedy Central unveils the CC InDecider for the 2006 election debacle.

A woman is being charged with murder after fatally poisoning her daughter with cocaine:

Daniela Toledo do Prado, 21, brought her daughter Vitoria to the hospital on Saturday night, complaining that the child was suffering from convulsions caused by drinking spoiled milk.

The child vomited repeatedly and died of heart failure early Sunday, police investigator Paulo Roberto Rodrigues said.

Doctors found a suspicious white powder on the girl’s tongue. The mother claimed the powder was milk but it tested positive for cocaine, Rodrigues said.

Police searched the mother’s house and found a hypodermic needle and a bottle hidden behind a shelf in a baby supply bag. The bottle and the needle had traces of cocaine.

When reached for comment, singer Whitney Houston said, “Goo-goo, ga-ga,” and pooped her “diaper.”

In a completely unrelated story, Kate Moss is pregnant.

Well, in this election cycle, the October Surprises are coming fast and furious. First, there was Mark Foley being a Catholic priest. Then New Jersey decided gay people are people. Then some guy wrote a book with a sex scene in it. Then Reese and Ryan split up. What’s next?

The nominations for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum were announced today… Chic, The Dave Clark Five, Grandmaser Flash and the Furious Five, R.E.M., The Ronettes, Patti Smith, The Stooges, Joe Tex, and Van Halen.

Jesus Christ! My heart won’t be able to take this kind of excitement. Van “Jump” Halen in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? I don’t know if this was the work of Karl Rove, Osama bin Laden or David Lee Roth, but, whoever is responsible, Bra-fucking-vo!

Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Chair Rep. Rahm Emanuel issued a statement following the announcement: “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. They, had, like, what, two good albums back in the ’80s, and now they’re in the Hall of Fame? This is really too much. I’m not certain that our Get Out the Vote efforts will be able to recover from a devistating blow to the national morale such as this.”

Shit! We were promised an October surprise and here it is. Hollywood dream couple Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe are splitsville.

“We are saddened to announce that Reese & Ryan have decided to formally separate. They remain committed to their family and we ask that you please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time.”

As for why Witherspoon contacted [divorce lawyer] Kaufman, we’re told it was not triggered by one event. Rather, one connected source says it was “cumulative.”

Another source speculates that Witherspoon finally got around to watching Crash.

Following the breakup, Reese is looking forward to spending more time with her Oscar, and Ryan is planning to dedicate himself to being mistaken for Hayden Christensen.

Last month, Karl Rove promised an “October surprise” that would affect the upcoming mid-term elections.

This week, Newsweek reports Al Quaeda is also promising an October surprise.

You know, I’m not really sure that “surprise” is the right word here. When these guys promise a surprise, its not ever gonna be, like, a puppy or something. It’s not like Mid-Term Election’s parents got divorced, and first Karl Rove buys him a new skateboard, and then Al Quaeda takes him to Disney World, and the next thing you know, the kid’s fat on ice cream, has a $1,000-a-day coke habit and can’t figure out why he’s so angry all the time.

Or maybe it’s exactly like that.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are rumored to be planning to have their wedding at fascist Italian dictator Benito Mussolini’s house:

Holmes visited wedding venues in the lakes region of northern Italy following her Parisian shopping trip with new pal Victoria Beckham earlier this month. British newspaper Daily Express claims Holmes has fallen for the exclusive Villa Feltrinelli hotel, which is where Mussolini was based during [World War II].

Not to be outdone, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have booked Pol Pot’s palace, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are considering getting married at The White House.