Well, folks, one link in the following post actually contains the uncensored gynecological close-up of a certain starlet for which you’ve been searching so diligently! But we’re not saying which one.

“I Saw Richie Flipping Santa Off…” [MollyGood]

Not yet, but here’s some hot and heavy massage action. [YouTube]

“Bugs are eating my butt!” [Neal Pollack]

I guess that wasn’t it, either. Time for Modern Primatology 101, 3 credits. [Defective Yeti]

OK, now that you’ve found it and ruined your fantasies forever, don’t forget to help your loved one show his/her/its Junkiness pride with some quality “I [Spaceship] Scientology” merchandise. It’s what TomKatAlienbaby would want. [A Very Junkiness Xmas]

Perhaps not wanting to miss out on the rash of human-chomping fun which has recently taken the animal world by storm, a large alligator attacked a man this morning near Orlando. In a distinctly Floridian twist, the man happened to be naked and smoking crack at the time:

The alligator had the man in his jaws when deputies arrived … [The victim] told deputies he was smoking crack-cocaine at the adjacent park, but it was unclear why he was naked or why he was attacked by the alligator.

The nature-loving free spirit suffered two broken arms and multiple injuries to his legs, but was listed in stable condition.

In unrelated news, Kid Rock has canceled his Christmas party.

The normally cheerful world of captive whale-slavery was rocked yesterday when Kasatka, a female orca indentured at Sea World, decided to rise up against Massah by chomping on the foot of her “trainer” and holding him underwater to remind him of the polite way to deal with a 17-foot, 5,000-pound wild animal:

[T]he whale and trainer plunged underwater, where Kasatka grabbed [brutal overseer] Peters by the foot and held him for less than a minute before surfacing, [merciless plantation master] Koontz said. … When they came up, Peters tried to calm the animal by rubbing and stroking its back but it grabbed him and plunged down again for about another minute.

(That never works with my girlfriend, either. Ba dump, etc.)

Not since the brutal mauling of the Man in the Yellow Hat has an incident so galvanized the captive animal community. The Rev. Whale Plankton called this “a great day for Cetacean-Americans in their struggle against trainer-supremacy and may I have that fish now,” while a spokesman for Sea World responded, “This is about heritage, not hate. If’n we let rabble-rousers like this Kasatka rile up the good whale-folk there’s gonna be trouble, and we’re not responsible for what decent whale-trainers might do to protect themselves and their whale-trainer women.”

Kasatka, whose name is Inuit for “Giant Deadly Beast Which Should Never Be Trained for Amusement,” had no official comment, but was heard to remark that Peters “tasted like penguin.”

We at JUNKINESS realize how terrifying it can be to shop for holiday gifts, what with the overcrowded stores, the murders, and the slew of race-hating stars drunk driving all over the place. So we’ve decided to make it easier for you with 12 fabulous holiday gifts that you can order online. Now you can check everyone off your Christmas list without ever having to stop masturbating!

I [SPACESHIP] SCIENTOLOGY
(TomKat version)

(non-TomKat version)

Stay tuned: we’ll soon have 11 more stuffings for your stockings!

According to Sylvester Stallone, the character of underdog boxer Rocky Balboa, who will be featured in the sixth Rocky film this Christmas, was based on another famous underdog: Jesus Christ, himself.

Sure, it makes perfect sense. The comparisons are so obvious, I don’t need to waste your time by listing them. Except that Balboa is a southpaw, and Christ is famous for his “right hand of God.” But you can excuse that as creative license.

According to Stallone, who wrote the orginal and the newest Rocky film, that’s…

…the reasoning behind the film’s opening shot of a painting of Jesus Christ looking down at Rocky fighting in a gym. The 60-year-old says, “It’s like he was being chosen. If you look to God, you can overcome your past.”

Well, that may be true in many cases, but I find it highly unlikely that Jesus is going to forgive Stallone for Over the Top or Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot anytime soon.

According to Christ’s representative, the Archangel Gabriel: “Jesus would prefer to hold his comments until after the opening box office receipts are in.”

Between TV, newspapers, magazines and reputable websites, it can be pretty hard to sift through all the news out there and figure out what’s actually true in this world. That’s why we prefer to get our scoops from blogspot gossip sites that don’t link to sources. After all, where else would we learn this:

[A] Thanksgiving dinner at Aniston’s home somehow managed to happen after Brad’s parents came to visit their son in Malibu without knowing he was in India filming “A Mighty Heart” with Angelina.

Jennifer’s friend Tonya Hart said: “Jen was just coming to Brad’s rescue. His folks bought the tickets ages ago. Jennifer thought she was doing good, but apparently it’s whipped up a hornet’s nest with Angelina.”

If that wasn’t shocking enough, we heard that after the dinner, Brad’s mom and dad used a payphone and there was an AIDS needle on it!

Luckily they forwarded an email from Bill Gates to all their friends, so they got good luck and a million dollars!

US magazine is reporting that Josh Hartnett and Scarlett Johannson have split, due to Josh’s down under romancing of some Australian chick. The 40 Days and 40 Nights star has been spotted out and about with his 30 Days of Night leading lady, actress Amber Sainsbury (aka Not The Sexiest Woman Alive).

Not that Scarlett Johansson, 22, would mind. A source tells Us the couple of more than a year recently called it quits. “They’ve just been growing apart for a while, and they had had enough,” the insider says.

Confirms a second source, “Yes, they broke up.”

When reached for comment, Hartnett said, “My shoes are magic velcro shoes!” and then went back to eating insulation.

Hartnett’s agent couldn’t respond to our inquiries, as he was busy trying to secure Josh the lead in 20 Days, 10 Nights, 15 Minutes of Fame.

Someday, when my son is old enough to understand words like “spent honey pot” and “washed-up pop whore,” I’ll tell him about what life was like before Britney Spears exposed her bare vagina at least once a day. It’ll probably go something like this:

Me: Son, stop playing spaceball with your hologram robot and come over here.

Son: What is it, pop?

Me: I wanted to tell you a story about the olden days.

Son: You mean before the benevolent mutant cyber-goats took over?

Me: Yes, my boy, long before that.

Son: And before President Osment saved the world by eradicating spaghetti-pox?

Me: Yes, even before that. Son, believe it or not, before you were born we weren’t bombarded with images of Britney Spears’s downstairs garage door.

Son: Attorney General Britney Spears?

Me: Yes, son, the one and only.

Son: Gosh, pop, why didn’t anyone stop her?

Me: I’m afraid the folks in my generation were just too darned selfish. We weren’t thinking about our children and our children’s children.

Son: Or your children’s children’s dino-clone-bots?

Me: Precisely. If only we’d known then what we know now. I just want to say I’m sorry, son.

Son: It’s too late for sorry, pop.

With that, Son aims his bionic-tentacle at me and liquifies me with a single laser-beam shot.

Page 6 reports that Lindsay Lohan was spotted at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting yesterday morning in Los Angeles. Says a friend of Lohan’s:

“She has attended several meetings and has hopefully decided to turn her life around – this time for good. She is out of control.”

There’s been no comment from Lohan, but her vagina released a statement through its spokesorgan saying, “This couldn’t come at a worse possible time. Brit’s vag is out there flashing its stuff for the paparazzi everyday and I’m nowhere to be seen. Let me breathe!”

Geeky guy in need of a serious exfoliant tries to control own dreams. [Gizmodo]

A moving pictorial history of the bird. [Zubaz Pants]

Bunch of compelling old people make Coldplay relevant again. [You Tube]

Sleazy marketing execs try to do the same for Joe Rogan. [Boing Boing]

Kudos to Paris for even knowing what a copier is. [Egotastic]

Flying in the face of the cold, hard, irrefutable facts created by the Bush Administration, former Secretary of State Colin Powell says there’s some sort of a civil war in Iraq:

“I would call it a civil war,” Powell told a business forum in the United Arab Emirates. “I have been using it (civil war) because I like to face the reality,” added Powell.

With that, Powell snuffed out his joint, guzzled a latte, tongue-kissed his transgendered French boyfriend, hopped into his pink electric car and sped off to his weekly Communist Child-Molesting Athiests for the Advancement of Flag-Burning Gun-Banning Welfare Queens meeting.

Today, we inaugurate a new feature on Junkiness—it’s a chance for you, the readers, to send your pressing questions for elucidation by the Sagacious Sleuth of Salacious Scoops, Uncle Junky! Want to know who’s hot and who’s snot? Wondering which powerful Hollywood Jew killed your movie project? Need help sorting through the lies, damn lies, and nipple slips of the entertainment media? Uncle Junky’s on the case. Let’s begin!

Uncle Junky,

What gives with all the celebrities flashing their hoo-hahs for all the world to see lately? First that Hilton skank, then LiLo, and now that previous paragon of virginal (or vaginal) virtue, Brit-Brit—and three times in one week, no less! Is this the new coming-of-age ritual for starlets? Can pantiless pics of ScoJo or HilDuf or CondRice be far behind?

— Scarred in Scarsdale

Scarred, what you need to understand about Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears is that these women are whores. (more…)

What is the title of the list that features the following notable names?

*Vogue editor Anna Wintour
*Rapper Jay-Z
*Ex-tennis-pro Andre Agassi
*Ex-daughter-haver John Ramsey
*Evangelist Joel Osteen
*Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin
*TV star Patrick Dempsey

Is it…
a) People who paid a stingray infinity backrubs to kill their husband
b) Nominees for the Nobel Prize for Excellence in Innovative High-Fiving
c) People who took Jon-Benet Ramsey’s virginity, life
d) Shortlist for the role of Oskar Schindler Jr. in the upcoming 2 Schindler’s 2 List
e) Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People

Thomas Pynchon’s Against the Day was up for a Bad Sex in Fiction award this year, alongside Tom Willcocks’ The Religion and others.

Now in its 14th year, the award was established by Literary Review magazine to celebrate truly cringe-worthy erotic writing.

“In the pit of his stomach a cauldron boiled and some seething and nameless brew rose up through his spine and filled his brain with the Devil’s Fire,” Willcocks writes.

Speaking of fictional sex, Katie Holmes’ Sex and the Scientologist Bride has also been criticized for its unrealistic portrait of Tom Cruise’s heterosexuality.

In case you were sitting around wondering why the U.S. is doing so poorly in Iraq, it turns out the culprit is Free Speech.

Yeah, Free Speech is such an asshole. It’s been undermining our troops and emboldening the enemy for years now. And, really, it’s just time to stop this monster. Look, even Newt Gingrich agrees…

“This is a serious, long-term war,” Gingrich said. “Either before we lose a city or, if we are truly stupid, after we lose a city, we will adopt rules of engagement that use every technology we can find to break up their capacity to use the Internet, to break up their capacity to use Free Speech…”

Oh, I can’t believe it. Those terrorists were consorting with Free Speech right under our noses. How could we have been so dumb?

Luckily, we have intelligent men like Newt to guide us. And once we “break up their capacity to use the Internet” here in the U.S., those horrible terrorists will have no other possible means of using Free Speech. And then we’ll all be safe and happy.