As soon as polls opened across the country today, there were already reports of malfunctioning voting machines and other problems:
With a third of Americans voting on new equipment and voters navigating new registration databases and changing ID rules, election watchdogs worried about polling problems even before the voting began.
“This is largely what I expected,” said Doug Chapin, director of Electionline.org, a nonpartisan group that tracks voting changes. “With as much change as we had, expecting things to go absolutely smoothly at the beginning of the day is too optimistic.”
So how can you make sure your vote is counted today? Here are a few helpful tips:
- Register as a meth-addicted pedophile.
- Get on the poll-workers’ good side by offering hot homemade baked goods and well-lubricated handies.
- Try to avoid being African-American.
- Find your candidate of choice in person and tattoo your name to his or her forehead. It might not hold up in court, but it’ll give you peace of mind.
- Rather than waiting in long lines to vote on dubious equipment, Republican supporters would be better off staying at home praying for their candidate to win.
- If, when voting on a touch-screen machine, your genitals become stuck in the Voter Genital Slot (VGS), touch the [escape] key and a computerized badminton game will appear onscreen. Simply defeat the machine in a best-of-eleven tournament and you will be released.
- Due to a software glitch, votes cast for Democratic candidates on Diebold machines will count toward the GOP candidate. To vote for the Democrat, you’ll need to write in “Satan McFlipflop.”