An Ohio woman, apparently not content with her life of Midwestern boredom and non-child murdering, was arrested yesterday after police investigators determined she may have placed her infant daughter in the family microwave.
This follows news of a Canadian man who will stand trial for placing his girlfriend’s feverish 10-month-old daughter in the freezer.
Folks, since you’re obviously not getting the message, the Junkiness Foundation is happy to provide this definitive baby-placing guide for parents.
Safe locations for your baby:
- Child safety seat
- Floating on a lily pad
- Nuzzling at the bosom of capitalism
- Uncle Elmer’s lap—no really, it’s totally cool, he just loves kids
- An expensive Montessori school, preferably one which serves food made from poorer children
- On top of John Goodman’s car
Unsafe locations for your baby:
- Microwave oven
- Toaster oven
- Convection oven
- An oven of any kind, is basically what we’re saying
- The deteriorating American public schools
- A Joyce Carol Oates novel
- Abu Ghraib (The gift shop is OK, though)
- Britney Spears’ car, house, or womb
- “Tom & Katie’s Dianetikids® Day Camp & Indoctrination Center”
- On Dick Cheney’s plate, drenched in butter and savory herbs
- Within 1000 feet of Andy Dick
- New Jersey
This community-service message brought to you by The Junkiness Foundation: A Dedication to Health, Hope, and Heroin.™