Junkiness - For Addicts of News, Gossip and Heroin

Baby, Baby, Don’t Get Cooked On Me

An Ohio woman, apparently not content with her life of Midwestern boredom and non-child murdering, was arrested yesterday after police investigators determined she may have placed her infant daughter in the family microwave.

This follows news of a Canadian man who will stand trial for placing his girlfriend’s feverish 10-month-old daughter in the freezer.

Folks, since you’re obviously not getting the message, the Junkiness Foundation is happy to provide this definitive baby-placing guide for parents.

Safe locations for your baby:

  • Crib
  • Child safety seat
  • Floating on a lily pad
  • Nuzzling at the bosom of capitalism
  • Uncle Elmer’s lap—no really, it’s totally cool, he just loves kids
  • An expensive Montessori school, preferably one which serves food made from poorer children
  • On top of John Goodman’s car

Unsafe locations for your baby:

  • Microwave oven
  • Toaster oven
  • Convection oven
  • An oven of any kind, is basically what we’re saying
  • Neverland
  • The deteriorating American public schools
  • A Joyce Carol Oates novel
  • Abu Ghraib (The gift shop is OK, though)
  • Britney Spears’ car, house, or womb
  • “Tom & Katie’s Dianetikids® Day Camp & Indoctrination Center”
  • On Dick Cheney’s plate, drenched in butter and savory herbs
  • Within 1000 feet of Andy Dick
  • Church
  • Thunderdome
  • New Jersey

This community-service message brought to you by The Junkiness Foundation: A Dedication to Health, Hope, and Heroin.

One Response to “Baby, Baby, Don’t Get Cooked On Me”

  1. heh
    December 2nd, 2007 01:14

    I have an inexplicable urge to shout FIRST!!11!!!!!1!!1 but I believe that is below even me.

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