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After Years of Doing So Figuratively, Eating Tofu Now Literally Makes You Gay

When I want to know the truth about the meaning of life and the secrets of the universe, I go to a scientist, so it should come as no surprise that when I want the scoop on health and sexuality, I look to an insane theologist. After all, who else but James Rutz would tell me that soy is a devil food that makes babies gay:

Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That’s why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today’s rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products.

Now I’m not going to let Rutz’s lack of credentials, sources or marbles stand in the way of me believing every word he musters from his spittly old mouth–call it faith–but if soy is feminizing, I’d hate to see what the lesbian couple in front of me in line at Trader Joe’s last night looked like before they became tofu-slurping vegans.

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