Howdy campers–it’s time for another edition of “Ask Uncle Junky,” your source for advice and answers on the hot topics that Hot Topic-shoppers like yourselves feel are hot and topical. Today: vicious veggies and crotch-crazed creeps! Let’s begin.
Dear Uncle Junky,
What gives with this Taco Bell-E. coli business? First it was the green onions, then it was the lettuce–which vegetables are safe, and which will put me on the Midnight Train to Porcelain-Honda-Town?
–Queasy in Queens
Queasy, I’m going to level with you–vegetables are deadly poison. You can quibble about this lettuce or that rutabaga, but the truth is they’re all a bunch of heavy-metal-laden, bacteria-stuffed, America-hating germ factories. Stay away from the lot of ‘em. The only safe diet–and any real scientist will tell you this–is the raw flesh of a beast which you’ve just killed with your own bare hands. Preferably the heart. With each gore-dripping bite, you will ingest the soul and power of your defeated foe, and grow in strength until another warrior decapitates you and steals your spirit-light. And don’t forget to exercise, too!
I can’t stop looking at those damn celebrity crotch shots. I want to look away, but I can’t. It’s jeopardizing my family, my career, and my sanity. How can I get rid of this horrible compulsion?
–Disgusted in Duluth
Never fear, Disgusted–Uncle Junky is here to cure you of your dangerous obsession with the Eternal Snatchshine of the Hairless Crotch. Look at the photo below of one such bajingo-flashing. Then roll your mouse over the image for the uncensored version.
… and there’s your solution! Every time you’re tempted to look at a celebrity crotch shot, think of September 11th. You’ll find your vadge-viewing urge replaced with overwhelming guilt and grief, and be ready to go about your day. Do it for yourself, your family–and your nation.
Got a burning question about news, gossip, and/or heroin? Send it to junkinessblogATgmailDOTcom, and weï¿½ll have an answer before you can say, ‘Uncle Junky, you knocked up my mother again, you bastard!’