In a stunning P.R. coup, you were named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” for 2006, for your pioneering work in content-creation and consumption on the internet:
You beat out candidates including Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, China’s President Hu Jintao, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il and James Baker, the former U.S. Secretary of State who led Washington’s bipartisan Iraq Study Group.
When reached at your remote cabin in Beaver Flat, Saskatchewan, you said, “This is an incredible honor for me.”
“Why only this morning,” you continued, your 325-pound frame looking regal in your Power Rangers-themed boxer shorts, boots, and a moose-fur hat, “as I sat masturbating to erotic fan-fiction in the Harry Potter forums, I was thinking about how I’ve never been recognized for my unique talents. Finally I can say that I am somebody!” You then turned around, dropped your pants and shouted, “This is for you, Darlene, you ungrateful bitch!”
When it was pointed out to you that Darlene is also Person of the Year, you went inside to weep silently, play Quake 4, and contemplate eating the day-old Bugles wedged in your seat cushions.
Reached at his office in Tehran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, “Watch your back, you fat fuck.”