“It’s not simulated,” an insider tells us. “They’re really doing it.”
Apparently. When it came time to shoot the love scene, word is the former lovers dispensed with the flesh-colored socks and pads favored by actors on less familiar terms. And, once the cameras were rolling, the two 25-year-olds fell into old habits.
Is this all a hoax aimed at building buzz around the movie, or did he really put his dingdong in her honeypot? Luckily for you, we at Junkiness have come into possession of the scene in question, so you can judge for yourself:
Senator Joe Biden (D-Del.), who snoozetasticly declared his intention to run for president today, scooped his own announcement with the publication of a humdinger of an interview with the New York Observer, in which the Senator surveys his competitors for the nomination, and opens up a can o’ critique-ass.
After questioning Hillary Clinton’s unimpressive poll numbers and John Edwards’ knowledge of his ass from a hole in the ground, Biden turned to the subject of Democratic heartthrob Barack Obama, and made the statement most likely to result in his spending long hours on the phone trying to return his “Biden ’08″ bumper stickers for store credit:
“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy,” he said. “I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”
When reached for comment, the ghost of Justice Thurgood Marshall rolled his eyes and said, “I’s so happy that Mistah Joe gone be runnin’ fo predident! Now wipe this mud offa my face and gimme some watermelon!” He then went back to riding through heaven in a rickshaw pulled by Strom Thurmond.
Remember that movie where a Florida woman is brutally raped, survives the attack, calls 911 and the cops, instead of focusing on capturing a rapist, arrest her for an outstanding warrant that boils down to a paperwork glitch? Wait, that’s not a movie. That’s real life.
Police took her to the hospital and began a routine rape investigation… [and] discovered she had an arrest warrant out [from when the woman was a juvenile].
[H]er attorney says it appears to be a paperwork error.
Still, the woman was put in handcuffs and taken to jail. She was not allowed bond, and the medical staff at the jail refused to give her the Morning After Pill even though it had been prescribed at the hospital [because it was against the administrator's religion].
“So, here we have a medical supervisor imposing her beliefs on a rape victim,” claimed the victim’s attorney Virlyn Moore. “As a human being, how someone could be so violated by this monster and then the system comes along and rapes her again psychologically and emotionally – it’s outrageous and unconscionable.”
I should have been shocked by this story, but then I remembered we’re talking about Florida. This is the same state in which the highway patrol will pull a guy over, rape him, and then shoot him for “being gay.” I heard state troopers are working on a time machine they can use to make Hitler molest your family pet. They say necessity is “the mother of invention,” but southern hospitality is “the father of rape-related time travel.”
World Bank President (and former US Deputy Secretary of Defense) Paul Wolfowitz visited a mosque in Turkey earlier this week. His visit was uneventful, except, of course, when he took off his shoes.
Both his grey socks sported holes with his big toes peeking through.
Wolfowitz offered no explanation. When reporters asked him about his ratty socks he just waved them off and continued rifling through a garbage bin in search of discarded lamb kabob.
Earlier this week on the Larry King Show a man purporting to be a Nigerian tribal king emailed in to ask guest Tyra Banks to marry him. The man, who went by the name of “Mbutu” was bothered by Banks constantly having to answer questions about her weight. He wrote:
“Why is Tyra worried about her weight? I would marry her as my queen.”
He added, “I have recently come into a vast fortune after the death of my father, his excellency King Mbuto Mbuto IV. Thus after our marriage I would transfer the sum of this fortune to Tyra’s bank account. She would need to send me a small amount of money so that I can set up an auxiliary account which will enable me to pay for the processing fees so that the transfer of funds could be expedited. Furthermore….”
Rep. Henry Waxman (D-Calif.), chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, has been investigating whether the Bush Administration deliberately sought to discredit the science of global warming in order to downplay the issue, but so far the White House has refused to cooperate:
“The committee isn’t trying to obtain state secrets or documents that could affect our immediate national security,” said Waxman, opening the hearing. “We are simply seeking answers to whether the White House’s political staff is inappropriately censoring impartial government scientists.”
When asked to comment on Waxman’s accusations, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow responded, “Look, nobody here is suggesting that Henry Waxman is a child rapist. This is a complicated issue, and there’s no sense in getting bogged down with who killed what study, or which climatologist ended up in the trunk of his Prius at the bottom of the Potomac, or which Congressman might have 30 gigabytes of Dakota Fanning pictures on his hard drive and an appointment for a play-date at Camp X-Ray with a greased-up cattle prod—the most important thing is that we can all agree that global warming is absolutely, positively… FOOD FIGHT!“
The 44-year-old used to train six times every week and perform hundreds of stomach crunches every day to keep her sexy figure – but she’s now accepted she needs to treat her body with more care.
She says, “I did kill myself with exercise… I’d take on film roles that made it absolutely necessary to be buff but I took it a bit too far. Now I do brisk walking as i has less impact on the bones.
Unfortunately the lifestyle change is already showing its effects:
Supermodel Kate Moss and superaddict Pete Doherty have decided to consecrate their relationship with the most sacred commemoration of a couple’s love provided by our society—that’s right, they’re checking into rehab together:
A source tells British newspaper The Sun, “They arrived together and they will be supporting each other.” Doherty has attempted rehab on numerous occasions in a bid to tackle his heroin and crack cocaine habits. Moss was herself treated in 2005 after being caught on camera snorting cocaine.
The many substances from which Moss and Doherty will be weaning themselves include: cocaine; crack cocaine; rock cocaine; cocaineburgers; Cocaine-ables™; heroin; opium; ecstasy; sextasy; methamphetamine; betelnuts; methambetelnuts; nicotine-patch burritos; malt liquor; tamiflu; polonium 210; fumes of glue made from Kentucky Derby-winning thoroughbreds; fumes of Manu Ginobili’s jockstrap; something called a “Metham-hero-coke-stasy Salad,” and the ashes of Gerald Ford (you snort them).
A spokesman acknowledged that it won’t be easy for the pair to kick so many habits simultaneously, but stated that “Kate and Pete would like everyone to know that they could never make it through this difficult time without the love and support of their hundreds and hundreds of pounds of marijuana.”
According to the survey conducted among 109 jailed mobsters by the Korean Institute of Criminal Justice, 79.3 percent of gangsters said they were somewhat or very satisfied with their life in organized crime. About 65 percent of police said they enjoyed their profession, according to a separate survey.
Some reasons why the police are unhappy:
* South Korean donuts are rarely, if ever, jelly-filled.
* Never enough black people to shoot at.
* Sting always telling them what to do.
On Sunday, Yone Minagawa of Tokyo, Japan became the oldest living person in the world. Minagawa, 114, took over the top spot after the death of the previous #1 oldy, Emma Faust Tillman.
Tillman, the daughter of former slaves, became the world’s oldest known living person last week, but died at a nursing home in Hartford, Connecticut, on Sunday night, days after assuming the title on January 24 with the death of 115-year-old Emiliano Mercado del Toro of Puerto Rico, according to the Guinness Book of World Records.
Minagawa is proud of her accomplishment and promises to last longer than her predecessor. “Bitch didn’t last a week at #1,” she told reporters. “Ha! I’ll show her how it’s done. I’m going to make it to at least next Wednesday!”
Senator Joe Biden (D-Del.), who snoozetasticly declared his intention to run for president today, scooped his own announcement with the publication of a humdinger of an interview with the New York Observer, in which the Senator surveys his competitors for the nomination, and 
Remember that movie where a Florida woman is brutally raped, survives the attack, calls 911 and the cops, instead of focusing on capturing a rapist, arrest her for an outstanding warrant that boils down to a paperwork glitch? Wait, that’s not a movie. That’s 
World Bank President (and former US Deputy Secretary of Defense) Paul Wolfowitz visited a mosque in Turkey earlier this week. His visit was uneventful, except, of course, 
Earlier this week on the Larry King Show a man purporting to be a Nigerian tribal king emailed in t
Rep. Henry Waxman (D-Calif.), chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, has been investigating whether the Bush Administration deliberately 
Supermodel Kate Moss and superaddict Pete Doherty have decided to consecrate their relationship with the most sacred commemoration of a couple’s love provided by our society—that’s right, 
On Sunday, Yone Minagawa of Tokyo, Japan became 