Hollywood is reeling in the wake of news that high-profile guests at a recent Sports Illustrated party may have been exposed to Hepatitis A by an employee of celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck.

The guests, which included such luminaries as Beyoncé Knowles, former Guns ‘N’ Roses bassist Duff McKagan, and a bevy of swimsuit models, have been asked to seek treatment to avoid contracting the disease:

Hepatitis A is caused by a virus spread by ingesting something contaminated with the feces of an infected person. Symptoms can include fever, fatigue, loss of appetite, nausea, abdominal pain and jaundice.

When reached for comment, Jennifer Hudson said, “I know I told Beyoncé to ‘eat shit and die,’ but I didn’t think she’d take it literally.”

Duff McKagan, however, told reporters he doesn’t consider that a party has really even begun until he’s been exposed to at least one infectious disease.

Apparently, two blonde teens robbed a grocery store in Georgia by wearing sunglasses and asking the cashier for money.

A pair of blondes walked up to a bank counter in a Georgia grocery store and demanded money from the teller before speeding away in an unidentified car.

I’ve read this news story six times. Apparently, there was no gun. No threat of violence. Just two blondes, two pairs of sunglasses, and two pairs of breasts. I keep reading, but that’s it. And staring. I seem to be staring a lot too. At this picture. I don’t mean to but — hey, what’s going on? What are you doing with my wallet, right hand? Hey, that’s my money! Don’t give it to them. It won’t go through the computer screen. And you, Mr. left hand, what do you think you’re doing? Oh! oh . . . .

The art world is reeling from news that two Picasso masterworks, valued at more than $66 million, were stolen this week. The paintings were taken from the home of the artist’s granddaughter, and included this classic portrait of Tori Spelling:

Publishers of AsianWeek, a weekly San Francisco-based newspaper are apologizing for a column that appeared in its February 23rd edition. The column, written by Kenneth Eng, was titled “Why I Hate Black People.” In it Eng lists reasons for, well, why he hates black people, for instance because he thinks they are “Weak-willed” for being enslaved for 300 years.

The column was among several written by Kenneth Eng, who has described himself as an “Asian Supremacist.” Previous columns have been titled “Proof That Whites Inherently Hate Us” and “Why I Hate Asians.”

Eng, who also writes science fiction (his book, “Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate” is currently ranked #94,245 at Amazon), says one of his goals in life is to:

“Resolve the paradoxes that belie the quest for perfection. I must determine how to infallibly alter any reality of the Multiverses to my bidding, while maintaining cosmic perfection and symmetry.”

So not only is Eng a racist, but he’s a plagiarist, too! Those are MY words! He lifted them straight from my high school yearbook. See for yourself:

See you in court, Kenneth!

According to a study in the journal of Environmental Toxicology and Chemistry, pollution can cause male frogs to become female.

Pesticides and other industrial chemicals have the ability to act like estrogen in the body,” Berg said.
“Some of the sex-altered males became fully functioning females, but other had ovaries but no oviducts, making them sterile,” Berg explained.

Scientists have been aware of pollution’s ability to change the gender of amphibians for some time. What was formally unknown, however, is that Ryan Seacrest is a frog.

Stocks plummet! Good thing all my money’s in barely-legal porn futures. [FT]

Helen Mirren says she went pantiless at the Oscars. Now tell me you’re not a little excited about that. Be honest! [Drudge]

Matty McNay-Nay: working hard to avoid typecasting. [MollyGood]

Andy Gibb appears on baking sheet in Texas, is mistaken for Virgin Mary, again. [Houston Chronicle]

Last chance to enter our “America’s Bald Sweetheart” caption contest. Don’t come crying to us when somebody else wins that Patton Oswalt DVD and you’re forced to masturbate to Helen Mirren at the Oscars. [Junkiness]

Seymour Hersh, perennial muckraking thorn in the Bush administration’s sexy side, penned a piece for this week’s issue of The New Yorker—for those of you in the Bible Belt, that’s the magazine of record for elitist Jewish liberals who hate the troops and want to gay-marry your farm animals—which reveals that President Bush is planning to attack Iran. (That’s “Iran” with an “N,” not to be confused with that other Middle Eastern nation we recently liberated in kick-ass, totally non-chaotic fashion.)

Hersh also describes how the U.S. has been covertly supporting al-Qaeda-linked radical terrorist groups in Lebanon, because the groups are purportedly more hostile toward Iran then they are toward the United States:

One fascinating revelation is that “budgetary chaos” in Iraq is creating “pots of black money” for covert purposes… [and] some cash for Siniora’s beleaguered pro-Western government in Beirut… has found its way to Sunni radical groups with ideological ties to al-Qaeda.

Sounds fool-proof, doesn’t it? However, some unpatriotic doubters might say that funding al-Qaeda to weaken Iran is a little bit like…

• Having sex with Paris Hilton in the hope that her syphilis will beat up your cancer
• Cheering up an underachieving child by sending him to stay at “Neverland”
• Fighting stubborn soap scum and mildew stains by burning your house to the ground
• Protecting yourself from “Mad Cow” disease by sucking out your brain tissue with a Shop-Vac and replacing it with molten lead
• Getting back at your cheating girlfriend by having an affair with a dead hobo
• “Robbing Peter to pay Paul,” if “Peter” is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and “Paul” is Osama Bin Laden and they both have nuclear bombs

The sexually provocative material girl has banned her daughter from dating until she’s old enough to go to college.

Madonna, whose own sex life has been well documented, insists that there won’t be any boys in daughter Lourdes’ life till the time she’s legally an adult, and at the age to go off to college.

“No boys for her (Lourdes) until she turns 18. She`s a good girl, though,” Contactmusic quoted her, as saying.

Social scientists have long theorized that girls from repressive homes grow up to be sexually promiscuous, and Madonna has vowed to help them with their research. Of course, little Lourdes might also grow up to be a whore simply because her mother is Madonna.

In related news, Wesley Snipes is making his kids wait until they’re 18 to be Black, and Clay Aiken announced his future adopted kids will have to wait until they’re 18 to lie about their sexual orientation.

Stephen Dorff’s kids won’t be famous, either. They won’t even be kids. They’ll be puppets made out of ham. Used ham.

Red carpet reporting, long known for its probing questions, has uncovered this little tidbit about Alan Arkin’s wish for Abigail Breslin at the Oscars: failure.

[W]hen asked how Breslin is responding to the attention as a Oscar® nominee, Arkin said, “I hope she loses frankly. No, I’m serious. I am not joking.”

Arkin added, “I hope she loses. What, next year she is going to get the Nobel Prize, it’s enough. She has had enough attention. I love her and I love her family; and I feel enough is enough. She is a kid; she needs to have a childhood….I hope she loses.”

“Furthermore,” said the Oscar-winner, “I’m glad Dakota Fanning got raped in that movie. Someone needs to teach these rugrats a lesson. I was there the day Tatum O’Neal won her Oscar. I walked right up to her and puched her in the face. And you can tell Will Smith’s kid to watch his back.”

The following day Arkin received an email from the Nobel Committee that read simply, “Well then who the fuck should win it, smart ass?”

After winning the Oscar for Best Director Sunday night, Martin Scorsese answered many questions from the press. Reporters asked him about the possibility of a sequel to The Departed, and what it was like to receive the award from Spielberg, Lucas, and Coppola. He also was asked this:

“I would like to ask you your opinion about the provision of the results of second world war in Estonia I mean the intent of the parliament to pass a bill to remove the monuments to liberate a soldier?”

Which Scorsese answered:

“I’m sorry. I don’t think I’m qualified to answer that. Sorry. I wish I was.”

Scorsese is such a wuss. If I had a dime for every time he side-stepped a question about the provision of the results of second world war in Estonia I mean the intent of the parliament to pass a bill to remove the monuments to liberate a soldier I’d be a fucking gazillionaire. Loser.

After an error by American Airlines, “Faith” –the famous two-legged walking dog– was reunited with her owner, Jude Stringfellow. He reportedly remained optimistic during Faith’s extended absence:

Jude says Faith’s spirit kept her going. She was born without use of her front legs and still managed to survive.

“The whole concept behind my dog is faith and I named her Faith. And I can’t give up hope or give up faith.”

More appropriate names for this two-legged wonder might be:
Hope
Hoppy: The dog with a neurologically-impaired owner
Biped: The slow news day dog

Archaeologists, with help from [King of the World] James Cameron, believe they may have found the final resting place of Jesus of Nazareth

Their claim is that there was indeed a Jesus family tomb in what is now suburban Jerusalem: and that the two bone boxes on the table in front of them, exported from Israel, had contained the remains of Jesus and Mary Magdalene, whom the filmmakers assert was Jesus’s wife and the mother of a son named Judah.

The clues pointing to the tomb’s authenticity include markings indicating the names of Jesus and members of his family, the close proximity of the tomb to the site of Jesus’ crucifixion, and a badly worn adult video of Eve eating an apple.

The devout are celebrating the discovery, having finally learned the answer to their question: “What would Jesus do?” Starting early this morning, millions of Christians around the world began rotting in buried boxes.

The Taliban tried to kill Dick Cheney this morning. A suicide bomber set himself off at the gate of the base where the Vice President was staying in Afghanistan. Cheney was unharmed.

The Taliban claimed responsibility for the bombing and said Mr. Cheney was the target of the attack, news agencies reported. Qari Yousef Ahmadi, who claimed to be a Taliban spokesman, told the Associated Press: “We knew that Dick Cheney would be staying inside the base.”

Mr. Ahmadi added, “We’d been trying forever to go quail hunting with the Vice President, so when that didn’t work we figured the next best thing was to use a suicide bomber. Oh well. Back to the drawing board, I guess.”

Drew and Cameron [The Superficial]

Misha Barton [Poponthepop]

David Brooks (or at least he should) [NY Times]