Winona Ryder on a break from shooting her most recent picture, You’ll Never Be Able To Masturbate To Me Again.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have settled their divorce. TMZ reports:

Sources say that under the terms, K-Fed will walk away with around $1 million. As for their two kids, we’re told Britney and Kevin will have joint custody, sharing physical custody 50/50. The divorce will be final, with a judge’s signature, very soon.

It’s good to see them work things out. A long court battle would have done nothing for either one of them. Now they can each get on with their lives. Kevin can return to his used car dealership appearances; Britney to her crack-fueled hobo sex.

Aren’t happy endings divine?

Aside from being part of the shadow government’s brain trust, Junkiness is also a professional celebrity matchmaker. Our latest client? Dolly Parton, who recently told reporters that she fantasizes about sex with “a petite, hot young woman.”

Ms. Parton, a lesser matchmaker would be shocked by this sudden, albeit wonderful, gay news. Not Junkiness. A younger woman? How about two?

Aside from the smokin’ hot pervsity of an orgy spanning 40 years and 7 bra sizes, this relationship should be pursued for the porn title possibilities alone:

• Carmen Electra’s Punk Rock Ho’ Down

• Put Another DD Breast in Carmen’s Love Box, Baby

• GILF vs. MILF: The Battle For Carmen

• Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock (Hard) n’ Old”

• Carmen & Joan’s Adventures in Dollywood

• Amazing Penetrations #9

He loves it when you call him “Big Diddy.”

Unable to arouse anyone on Earth, the Olsen twins travel to Rylos 3 where their faux incestual Lesbian embrace produces a mass alien ejaculation. 

Even well known celebrity websites can have their share of typos.  Junkiness likes to provide a public service by flexing our copy editing skills and fixing such errors.  See today’s Starpulse story on Soft Cell’s, Marc Almond.  Junkiness has fixed the typos in RED:

Soft Cell’s Marc Almond Planning Comeback

Former Soft Cell star Marc Almond is staging a comeback following a 2004 motorcycle accident that almost killed him, by signing to a new record label.

The Tainted Love singer has signed a major new deal with Sanctuary and plans to release a new album in June.

The album, Stardom Road, will feature covers of songs originally recorded by the likes of Dusty Springfield, Frank Sinatra, and Roberta Flack. And it will suck ass.

You’re welcome, Starpulse.

P Diddy says he pleasured his girlfriend in France for over 30 straight hours:

“Then we went up to my suite and had tantric sex for at least 30 hours, ordering up whipped cream and strawberries while we were at it.”

Then Diddy added, “‘trantric sex’ means falling asleep in front of the WB, right? Yeah, we was tantric sexin’ it, all right. . . . For 30 hours. . . . There are 60 seconds in an hour, right? Yeah, 30 hours. I really like strawberries.”

After sending out mail advertisements across the globe, Bao Xishun, the world’s tallest man, has found his wife.  This is the second time Bao has made headlines in the last few months:

Bao was in the news in December after he used his long arms to save two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs.

Unfortunately, the average dolphin is several feet longer than Mrs. Xishun who was killed within minutes of the honeymoon.

A North Carolina man has been charged with animal cruelty violations after authorities discovered 80 sheep in his house. According to police, David Watts lived upstairs in his house while the sheep lived downstairs. 30 of the sheep had to be euthanized, as many suffered from rotten hooves, paralysis, and prolapsed uteruses.

Watts’ neighbors, however, are glad that their long community nightmare is over:

“All I want is to be able to sit on my front porch and not smell sheep poop,” said Angie Fowler, who lives across the street.

Many of the sheep will soon be available for adoption. They only request that their new homes have cable TV and no crazy guy running around fucking them.

John McCain comes out in favor of gays getting married and having little tar babies.

Onion News Network: Hilarious so far, but not Fox News hilarious.

Take a dick for the road.

Entire city moving away from Matt Tobey.

Sex & DVDs.

What do you do with an 800-lb. gorilla? Well, if you’re Nick Nolte, and the “800-lb. gorilla” is a 400-lb. acting legend, you may not want to say “anything he wants” just yet–especially if what he wants is a free-form acting symposium featuring Sean Penn, Edward James Olmos, and a cavalcade of students and street people. Said Nolte:

We were sitting in chairs and Marlon was looking at us, and he said, ‘This is great.’ He had a few homeless people and a few drama students. He came back (onstage) and he was in pajamas… and he took out a little mirror and lipstick and he was putting on lipstick. … I said, ‘Marlon, I have two very important meetings I have to get to…’ I got outta there and I never went back.

However, it wasn’t a total loss for the 48 Hrs. star, as he was able to join up with several of the homeless people, and the happy crew spent the rest of the day tooling around various alleys and rooting through garbage, even sharing a tasty meal around the delicious smorgasbord that is the dumpster behind the Denny’s on Sunset.

Meanwhile, Sean Penn crept silently back into the building, and, waiting for the moment when the class reached its fever-pitch of heathen bacchanalia in the ritual sacrifice of Edward James Olmos, plunged his gleaming blade deep into Brando’s heart. “The horror,” the mighty actor gasped as he drew his final breath, “Hollywood is run by Jews.”

Spanish Church leaders want Elton John banned from a Jazz Festival in Tobago because the singer’s homosexuality might influence the Carribean’s youth.

“We feel it can have a negative social impact. There are some who may not be sure of their sexuality and one has to be careful about how this can create impressions on impressionable minds,” pastor Terrance Baynes told Reuters Monday.

Silly me.  When I heard Elton John was banned from a Jazz Festival, I assumed it had something to do with his inability to play in obscure time signatures.  But that’s just me.  A mere mortal.  Not a church member with a keen eye for trend-setting gayness.  Apparently, the Carribean part of Rip Taylor’s comedy tour was cancelled last year for similar reasons.