The FBI’s use of subpoena letters under the USA Patriot Act–also known as the We Freaking Dare You to Vote Against This Act–was excessive and illegal, according to a Justice Department audit. The Bureau used the letters to dig up personal information about U.S. citizens, but kept Congress in the dark about the extent they used the power:
Sen. Arlen Specter said the FBI appears to have “badly misused national security letters… This is, regrettably, part of an ongoing process where the federal authorities are not really sensitive to privacy and go far beyond what we have authorized.”
However, a spokesman justified the FBI’s investigative overreach by pointing out the discovery of the following dangerous criminals:
Joel Snodgrass, hod carrier: Conducted a two-year affair with his Aunt’s oven mitt; internet searches included “sexy naked potholders,” “oven mitt horny pictures,” and “bomb the White House sexy spatula pictures.”
Marcie Henderson, homemaker: Told husband she sometimes doubts “whether the President knows what he’s doing.” Luckily, husband turned informer after FBI threatened to reveal his collection of erotic artwork featuring Emmanuel Lewis.
Timmy Quackenbush, student: Internet searches included “Anthrax,” “Megadeth,” “The Killers,” and “can you catch herpes from a jar of Miracle Whip.” Probable terrorist.
Barack Obama, black guy: Claims to be a politician of some sort. (Like somebody with a name like that could get elected!) Keeping an eye on him and his suspicious interest in foreign affairs and the Capitol building.
Bill Wang: Heh heh. “Wang.” C’mon!
Joesama Bin Smith, all-around good guy. This guy was just a nice, red-blooded American guy. He even volunteered to help us out around the office on his day off! Possible future in the national security business for this go-getter!
Arlen Specter, U.S. Senator: Internet searches included “George Bush ruined my life,” “ashamed to be Republican,” “Does sex with interns cure cancer,” and “Dakota Fanning hot Emmanuel Lewis sexy oven mitt pictures blow up the White House.”