Junkiness - For Addicts of News, Gossip and Heroin

Archive for April, 2007

Migraine Madness?

Monday, April 30th, 2007

“Really? Well, What About My Shirts From Chess King?”

Monday, April 30th, 2007

Upon his release from prison, Joey Buttafuoco is shocked to learn that teenage girls in 2007 don’t dig greasy gray ponytails.

Vengeful God Smites Liberal Bay Area Commuters

Monday, April 30th, 2007

Be warned, American drivers: you practice abominations such as gay marriage and sourdough bread at your own peril!

Scalpel… and KY, STAT!

Monday, April 30th, 2007

Doctors are perfecting ways to perform surgery using the body’s natural openings. Despite the difficulty presented by the narrowness of some orifices, the results have been impressive.

Doctors in New York and in France have announced they removed gall bladders through the vaginas of two women. And doctors in India say they have performed appendectomies through the mouth.

In other news, Lindsay Lohan will live forever.


Friday, April 27th, 2007

Jack Valenti: May be inappropriate for children and other living people.

Finally, Jim Morrison can go back to Florida.

Can twenty or so Celine Dion fans be wrong?

Angelina Jolie, always with the orphans.

Goddamnit! Here comes the end of the world.

Latin Music Awards Show Guests: Are They Showing Enough Cleavage?

Friday, April 27th, 2007

Above, one brave soul answers the call. But will it be enough?

ABC News Doesn’t Understand What “Gay” Means

Friday, April 27th, 2007

New Hampshire is about pass a bill allowing gay couples to seek civil unions, and ABC News was there to report. So was the dude they hired to make graphics for stories. Maybe its me, but that seems to be the hand of a woman on top of a man’s hand. And though I’m sure they’re delighted to be wed, they’re not really what we call gay. True, the top hand with the little manicure and frilly white sleeve could belong to an exceedingly effeminate gay man, but why are you making this so hard, ABC News graphics guy? 

Couldn’t you have gone with something more obviously gay like this?

Or this?

Further Proof That I Can Control George W. Bush with My Mind

Friday, April 27th, 2007

Top Physicist’s Luck Confounds Jordan Bratman

Friday, April 27th, 2007

Acclaimed physicist Stephen Hawking has become the first person with a disability to float in zero gravity. Yesterday he traveled in a modified jet that recreated the effect.

“It was amazing,” Hawking, paralyzed by a progressive neurological disorder, said afterward through an electronic device. “The zero-G part was wonderful and the full-G part was no problem. I could have gone on and on. Space, here I come.”

When told of Hawking’s successful excursion, Jordan Bratman (Christina Aguilera’s husband) told reporters, “I don’t get it. Why does he get to go into zero-gravity and not me? I know I married up big time, but come on! I can walk and talk. By my count that’s Bratman 2, Hawking 0. I mean, what the fuck?”


Thursday, April 26th, 2007

Girls Gone Wild Guy Gone Wild.

Science continues its quest to create the better backdoor fingerbang.

Stephen Hawking experiences less weight than his new theory on black holes.

Roger Ebert doesn’t give a damn about paparazzi. Paparazzi spends night crying, eating caramel ice cream.

Alec Baldwin quits agency, says its a “rude, thoughtless little pig.”

If The Plane’s A-Rockin’ …

Thursday, April 26th, 2007

Residents of a small town in Maine have taken issue with John Travolta’s noisy high flying antics.

The airport has a voluntary curfew … whereby pilots are asked not to take off or land between the hours of 10pm and 6am. Airport manager Jeff Northgraves tells the publication, ‘Pilots have abided by that with one exception – Travolta. He has the loudest aircraft that we see here.’

Meanwhile, Travolta released the following statement: “I have honored the no flying curfew. I have no idea why loud noises are coming from my plane. Really! … Are you going to eat that Snickers?”

Today in Blatant Self Promotion…

Thursday, April 26th, 2007

Okay. Here’s the book that wins the Oddest Title Ever award. Or at least The Dumbest Title I’ve Read Today Award. It’s called Life on Planet Rock: From Guns N’ Roses to Nirvana, a Backstage Journey Through Rock’s Most Debauched Decade and it’s written by Lonn Friend.

1. From G ‘n’ R to Nirvana? Someone should tell this guy that a decade is more than two years.
2. I’m almost postive Lonn (pronounced “Lone”) Friend has a ponytail and never goes a day without dropping into conversation that he owns a Linkin Park album.

Now, conversely, the Best Title Ever Award (and I can assure you that being both the author of the winning book and the head of the awards committee in no way interferes with my ability to remain objective) goes to:

IF I DID IT: What Might Have Happened in the Last Seven Years

Among other things, it’s guaranteed to contain:

1. Robots
2. Unicorns
3. Five more years of history than Planet Rock, and eleventy-four percent more actual debauchery.

Also, They Hated ‘Pretty Woman’

Thursday, April 26th, 2007

An Indian court has issued warrants for the arrests of stars Shilpa Shetty and Richard Gere after their on-stage embrace shocked millions in the conservative country. The court seeks to prosecute the Bollywood beauty and the Hollywood snooty for conduct which the judge described as “highly sexually erotic,” saying Gere and Shetty “transgressed all limits of vulgarity and have the tendency to corrupt the society.”

While we in the West may be tempted to view the warrants as the prudish overreaction of a backward nation, Junkiness has obtained the following footage of the embrace, which clearly shows just how far Gere crossed the line:

Gere's licking at you, kid.

JUNKINESS Exclusive! Scenes from Batman: Dark Knight

Thursday, April 26th, 2007

Thanks, Fishboy.

In Last Days on ‘The View,’ Rosie Letting Herself Go

Thursday, April 26th, 2007

The star has pledged not to shave or wear clothes for the duration of her contract.

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