The gruff, middle-aged character-actor has asked out of his Law & Order contract, paving the way for a White House run.

Bill Gates and Steve Jobs made a rare appearance together at the D5 conference this week.

Jobs: “When Bill and I first entered the industry, we were the youngest guys in the room, and now we’re the oldest… [T]here’s that one line in that Beatles song, ‘You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead,’ and I think that’s clearly true here.”

The two announced the release of their new joint venture, the iPC, a beautifully designed metal box with nothing but your own sense of inadequacy inside (retail: $6,000).

Nessie?

In a speech today, George W. Bush called for a serious effort to combat global climate change, seeking an agreement between the world’s top greenhouse gas producers to reduce emissions:

“The United States takes this issue seriously,” Mr. Bush said… “The United States will work with other nations to establish a new framework on greenhouse gas emissions for when the Kyoto Protocol expires in 2012.”

The president went on to say that after taking the lead on this crucial issue, his administration plans to tackle the following pressing concerns:

• Strengthening the levees in New Orleans
• Verifying intelligence about Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction
• Improving air security around the World Trade Center
• Using diplomacy to avoid a costly war in Vietnam
• Bulletproofing Kennedy’s motorcade
• Putting fire extinguishers on the Hindenburg
• Warning Jesus that Judas don’t got His back
• Making sure Barbara Bush takes her birth control pills in 1945

Today the United Global Council of Comedy Writers gathered in the Catskills to award Keira Knightly one of its highest honors: the coveted Easiest Straight Line Of All Time Gold-Plated Rubber Chicken.

The Council called an emergency session yesterday after Knightly told reporters:  

I have tried [to cook], but I really am hopeless. I can cook maybe one dish but even then, if you ate it, you’d probably end up with food poisoning

Upon hearing the set-up, the Council bowed for a five minute moment of silence, vowing never to repeat the line again.  Council President Gags Beesley later told reporters, “It was just too easy… too damn easy.”

A group of Buddhist monks visiting Kansas City received an unwelcome surprise when they returned from their baby-back-rib-sampling rounds to discover that an elaborate sand mandala which they had spent the previous two days creating had been used by a local boy for a game of “Dance Dance Revolution.”

The boy, whose delightful antics were captured on security cameras, has not been identified; the monks, however, were characteristically nonplussed, viewing the incident as a reminder of the impermanence of all things:

“No problem,” Geshe Lobsang Sumdup, leader of the group from the Drepung Gomang Monastery in southern India, said through a translator. “We didn’t get despondent. We have three days more. So we will have to work harder.”

In his mind, Sumdup added, “little stupid fat American frenchfry-sucking capitalist piglet,” in punishment for which he will serve his next lifetime as a dung beetle.

[Link via BoingBoing.]

On the heels of Rocky Balboa, action star Sylvester Stallone prepares the release of John Rambo, the latest in the First Blood series.

Stallone’s projects through 2010 include:

• Ray Tango
• Lincoln Hawk
• Machine Gun Joe Viterbo
• Young Man in Crowd (the sequel to the deleted scenes of Mandingo)
• Another Uncredited Subway Thug

One of the top 10 spammers in the world was arrested yesterday in Seattle.

Robert Alan Soloway is accused of using networks of compromised “zombie” computers to send out millions upon millions of spam e-mails.

A federal grand jury last week returned a 35-count indictment against Soloway charging him with mail fraud, wire fraud, e-mail fraud, aggravated identity theft and money laundering.

Soloway pleaded not guilty to the charges, explaining to the judge on duty, “I work in the credit and accounts department of Union Bank of Nigeria. I write you in respect of a foreign customer with a Domicilliary account. He was among those who died in a plane crash here in Nigeria during the reign of late General Sani Abacha…”

Soloway is described as a 27-year-old caucasian male with thick, luxurious hair and a 10″ penis the width of my fist.

Paula Abdul told reporters that being an American Idol judge has given her life special purpose:

My purpose is bringing out everybody’s best and being that cheerleader to other people’s success. Being a judge on American Idol overshadows being a Grammy Award winner and selling millions of records.

Abdul then added, “but it’s still a distant second to my first love: smoking crushed OxyContin through whisky bong water.”

Comedy club sentenced to life with Jon Lovitz.

This passes for news in Cleveland.

Honest. A race care driver named Tommy Flanagan.

Jerry Springer takes over for the original annoying man.
 

I could explain this, but would it make any difference?

(Richie pic via LA Rag Mag; Gandhi pic via Playgirl Classic.)

Codemasters invites you to “have the time of your life” with the new Dirty Dancing video game.

Work alongside the team at the Kellerman’s resort, play through a fantastic variety of fun mini-games and earn camp dollars to purchase Dirty Dancing® memorabilia, cabin furnishings, and the all-important dance lessons with Johnny and Penny. How will you fare in the end of season dance contest?

Also among the Codemasters catalog:

Ghost: Track down your killer and throw hand-made pottery at him; occupy Whoopi Goldberg’s body to communicate to your friends, but remember: it makes you mortal (and ugly).

Red Dawn: Can you scare the shit out of impressionable kids with anti-commie propaganda before time runs out and the Berlin Wall falls? Wolverines!!!!!

Donnie Darko: Travel through the dark mansion at night to find the hidden child pornography room. Make one wrong turn and you become an anger prisoner.

Road House: In this game you’re instructed to be nice… until it’s time to not be nice. You’ll toss out the roughnecks, put out the fires and make John Doe eat glass. But watch where you’re throwing those fists! While your roadhouse is filled with bad elements, it also contains a blind guitar player, Kelly Lynch’s naked lady-business and a wounded Sam Elliott.

Point Break: You and the Ex-Presidents rob banks, base jump, and surf killer waves as you run from the FBI. When you reach the final level you’ll battle a lunatic Gary Busey (game comes with the real Gary Busey).

Jimmy Fallon, once considered America’s Next Top Smirker, has increasingly let his partying ways interfere with his other partying ways. Said Fallon:

I barely made it to the Kentucky Derby because I ended up going to a frat party until five in the morning the night before. I went to this nice tuxedo party at a mansion and as me and my girlfriend were leaving … I said, ‘So where’s the party at?’ … So we ended up playing beer pong until five in the morning.

Fortunately, the Fever Pitch star was able to curtail his impromptu post-drinking drinking in time to arrive at the Derby and begin his post-post-drinking drinking.

Friends fear this may be part of a continuing pattern; one associate recalled “the time Jimmy stayed up too late drinking and ended up missing the bus to the rest of his career.”

NBC has just named 36-year-old wunkerkind Ben Silverman as the new Chairman of its entertainment division.

The smart-dressed Silverman is best known for taking foreign shows, such as “Ugly Betty,” “The Office” and “The Biggest Loser,” and developing them for American TV audiences.

NBC was inspired to make the move after Silverman told them the BBC had just named young beau brummel Nigel Goldstein as its head of programming.