In what could prove to be a mediabiz newsbomb kersplosion of epic magnitude, rumor has it your beloved Junkiness may become victim to a hostile takeover by Gawker Media.
Of course the editorial staff is becoming anxious — just yesterday all of our keyboards were replaced with dictaphones that transcribe sarcastic snorts into sentence fragments. When Nick Denton does come a’ knockin, here are some changes you can expect to see a’ rockin’:
– At least one post per day which leaves you bewildered as to whether we’re mocking something, mocking ourselves for mocking something, or mocking you for thinking we’re mocking ourselves for mocking something. (This post will then be mocked.)
– “Ask Uncle Junky” to be replaced with new feature: “What Loser Had a Baby This Week.”
– Comments like, “Normally I like everything on Junkiness, but I found this tacky and tasteless,” will still be allowed, but we’ll have to invite you first (which we won’t).
– All previous references to Stephen Dorff will be search-and-replaced with “some recently-fired magazine publisher whose former Vassar classmates knew she was banging her lit professor’s graduate assistant.”
– Jokes about that diseased junky Courtney Love will be replaced by jokes about that diseased junky Judith Regan.
– At some point, we’ll find out exactly who the fuck Judith Regan is.
– New contest: the first reader each day to identify which industry figure we totally made up will receive a Snorg Tee that reads, “I Was Just Barely Smart Enough to Finally Get the Most Obvious Joke Ever” beneath a picture of Choire Sicha’s assistant rolling her eyes.
– Every reference to shoe shopping will be met with an equal and opposite reference to sports, alcoholism and oral sex.
– Eleven times the bon mots, half as much je ne sais quoi, and more schadenfreude than you can shake a weltanshauung at.
– Up to the minute updates on whether or not you’re allowed to like that thing you like. (Hint: you’re not.)
– Enough nip-slips of people only we’ve heard of to choke Olivia Danburg.