Junkiness - For Addicts of News, Gossip and Heroin

Introducing: JUNKERBEL


In what could prove to be a mediabiz newsbomb kersplosion of epic magnitude, rumor has it your beloved Junkiness may become victim to a hostile takeover by Gawker Media.

Of course the editorial staff is becoming anxious — just yesterday all of our keyboards were replaced with dictaphones that transcribe sarcastic snorts into sentence fragments. When Nick Denton does come a’ knockin, here are some changes you can expect to see a’ rockin’:

– At least one post per day which leaves you bewildered as to whether we’re mocking something, mocking ourselves for mocking something, or mocking you for thinking we’re mocking ourselves for mocking something. (This post will then be mocked.)

– “Ask Uncle Junky” to be replaced with new feature: “What Loser Had a Baby This Week.”

– Comments like, “Normally I like everything on Junkiness, but I found this tacky and tasteless,” will still be allowed, but we’ll have to invite you first (which we won’t).

– All previous references to Stephen Dorff will be search-and-replaced with “some recently-fired magazine publisher whose former Vassar classmates knew she was banging her lit professor’s graduate assistant.”

– Jokes about that diseased junky Courtney Love will be replaced by jokes about that diseased junky Judith Regan.

– At some point, we’ll find out exactly who the fuck Judith Regan is.

– New contest: the first reader each day to identify which industry figure we totally made up will receive a Snorg Tee that reads, “I Was Just Barely Smart Enough to Finally Get the Most Obvious Joke Ever” beneath a picture of Choire Sicha’s assistant rolling her eyes.

– Every reference to shoe shopping will be met with an equal and opposite reference to sports, alcoholism and oral sex.

– Eleven times the bon mots, half as much je ne sais quoi, and more schadenfreude than you can shake a weltanshauung at.

– Up to the minute updates on whether or not you’re allowed to like that thing you like. (Hint: you’re not.)

– Enough nip-slips of people only we’ve heard of to choke Olivia Danburg.

9 Responses to “Introducing: JUNKERBEL”

  1. Franky Pelvis
    May 24th, 2007 22:11

    Can you guarantee that Emily Gould will make adorable, yet totally batshit crazy faces on my TV every time Junkiness calls Jimmy Kimmel a fat alcoholic?

  2. JasonC
    May 25th, 2007 01:42

    be sure to alienate your loyal fan base in order to make room for your new, much cooler readers. like the episode of the simpsons where moe opens up a new bar, and forgets who his true friends are.

    don’t forget to do that.

  3. Ian
    May 25th, 2007 01:45

    We could have used Em-bear’s contorted facial fortitude during the chaotic days of DeadSinbadgate ’07. Oh, and Jason–fuck you.

  4. mtobey
    May 25th, 2007 10:09

    Who approved JasonC’s comment? His kind is not allowed here anymore.

  5. Honest Abe
    May 25th, 2007 10:12

    Make sure you guys start defining yourselves solely by what and whom you hate.

  6. dwaters
    May 25th, 2007 11:25

    And remember. If you hate everyone, then everyone is only hating you back

  7. Ian
    May 25th, 2007 11:36

    And don’t get me started on the hatefucking.

  8. JanBrady
    May 25th, 2007 14:35

    Who are you people?

  9. dwaters
    May 25th, 2007 14:51

    gabba goonie we’ll make you one of us.

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