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Archive for June, 2007

How Rude!

Friday, June 29th, 2007

Stephanie Tanner attacks!

Fuck It. I Give Up.

Friday, June 29th, 2007

The CW series Veronica Mars was canceled this year during it’s third season due to low ratings. Apparently, not enough viewers were buying into the idea of a young, hip, smart girl detective. Not to worry – at least one member of the cast has been selected for a new private investigator series with a much more believable lead.

Jason Dohring is back this fall in the new CBS drama “Moonlight.” From Joel Silver and the creators of “Angel” and “Beauty and the Beast,” the series is about Mick St. John, a Los Angeles private investigator (Alex O’Loughlin) whose clients don’t know his dark secret – he’s a vampire.

The truly ironic part is that I’d believe in vampires long before I’d buy into the idea that anyone would admit to the name Mick St. John.

The Godparent Trap

Thursday, June 28th, 2007

[Cross-posted from The Cleaver.]

British somebody-or-others Davinia Taylor and Dave Gardner, who we’d probably know lots about if we were into crumpets and bangers and mash and things of that ilk, have snagged two stars for their child’s godparents, and ones who are somewhat more recognizable outside Jolly Olde England than themselves:

… Baby Grey—born Tuesday—will have Kate Moss and David Beckham as godparents. David, who knows Dave from his days at Manchester United and who was best man at the couple’s wedding, will meet the baby on Sunday; Kate visited Davinia in the hospital yesterday afternoon.

If talent can be passed through godparentage, baby Grey is expected to have a world-class ability at soccer and vomiting.

A Reason to Go On Living

Thursday, June 28th, 2007

In a world where nothing is certain but uncertainty, and all you can hope for is hopelessness, there were five courageous women… who would not… go… quietly:

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The Spice Girls announced Thursday that they have agreed to reunite for 11 concerts around the world in December and January. They will be the group’s first concerts since it broke up in 2001, and the first with all five original members since Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell quit to pursue a solo career in 1998.

As a minor nod to the group’s advancing age, their nicknames will be updated to Leathery, Osteoporosis, Withered, Incontinent, and Ginger. As of yet, there is no word on whether my erection will be joining the reunion; stay tuned for further details.

Ms. Lockhorn Dead

Thursday, June 28th, 2007

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The fashion mogul and chronic nag is dead at 78. No word yet on whether Leroy will attend the service.

Justin Timberlake Doesn’t Own Much Music

Thursday, June 28th, 2007

jt.jpgFormer N’Sync star and present scrawny jackass Justin Timberlake raised eyebrows recently when he gave Coldplay some high praise:

Coldplay are the modern Beatles.

Timberlake explained later that by calling them the “modern” Beatles, he meant only that Coldplay was half-dead and largely irrelevant.

Gibson’s PASSION OF THE CHRIST II Gets Right to the Point

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

No Rape for You!

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

sein1.jpgLast week, Jerry Seinfeld caused a minor brouhaha when he took advantage of a promotional interview for his new movie to try out some of his new sexual assault-themed material:

Promoting his new animated film, Bee Movie, in the New York Daily News today, the usually family-friendly comic quipped, “Bees have the only perfect society on earth … They have no crime, they have no drugs, they have no rape. A little rape, but it’s not that bad.”

Predictably, the anti-rape crowd got its panties up in a bunch, with one critic from a sexual violence resource center commenting, “With what I hear about every single day, I don’t find anything at all funny about rape, and I don’t like it being made light of. I understand he’s a comedian and he’s inclined to find humor in everything, but it was offensive.”

The situation could’ve been much worse, however, as Seinfeld fortunately stopped short (“He stopped short? That’s my move!”) of sharing his full arsenal of rape-larious humor, which includes the following:

Q: How many rapists does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to duct tape the lightbulb down, a second to watch the door and a third to convince the light bulb that it was asking for it.

Q: When is a rape not a rape?
A: When the rapist is a talented athlete.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rapist and Courtney Love?
A: A rapist with AIDS.

Q: What has four legs, two backs and bloody skin under 10 of its 20 fingernails?
A: Jerry Seinfeld getting raped by Larry David.

Q: What do you call it when you are forced to have sex with the California Raisins?
A: Grape.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting rapist.
Interrupting rapi–
Drop ‘em or I’ll fuckin’ kill you.

A rapist walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?” The rapist answers, “There are so many girls in here, and I’m all out of GHB.”

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. That’s why there’s rape.

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body, we just want the body. Ding! Rape!

Maybe the dingo raped your baby!

Monkey On Your Back, Now Available In Strawberry!

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

Police in California report a growing trend in cocaine traffickers adding flavors to the powder and charging 40 percent more for it.

“They (users) said regular cocaine gives a medicine taste in the back of the throat when snorted,” Giorgi said. “With the flavored, you get a strawberry taste.”

“That’s so weird,” commented Lindsay Lohan. Whenever I use cocaine I always get the taste of semen in the back of my throat.”

Schlubs

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

zach.jpgResponding to numerous rumors that he is a shameless mysogynistic womanizer, Zach Braff posted the following on his blog:

Blah, blah, blah. Don’t believe the hype.

Then, in a moment of surprising honesty, I broke into his apartment and forced him to write the Scrubs star continued:

“The truth is I am very unsightly. Women don’t speak to me. My penis is also very small and rarely works. Mandy Moore was the only woman I was able to trick into dating me. She only had one orgasm during the entire relationship and that’s when she was fantasizing about some dreamy Semitic Junkiness writer. Hey, why am I hitting myself? I should stop hitting myself. Why am I hitting myself?”

Truth Is A Tiny Bit Less Strange Than Fiction

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007

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A golfer almost lost a limb when he attempted to pull his ball from the water trap and a nearly 11-foot alligator latched on to his arm and pulled him in the water.

The alligator latched on to [the] right forearm and pulled him in the pond, said Gary Morse, a spokesman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. Burger used his left arm to beat the reptile until it freed him.

Onlookers said the spectacle was terrifying, but still funnier than Click.

Chappelle’s Show Uncensored Caption Contest Winners

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007

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Greenpeace. Sacrificing dignity for the earth since 1971.

The grand-prize winner will receive the Best of Chappelle’s Show Uncensored DVD as well as DVDs for Drawn Together Season 1 and The Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson.

Additionally, two runners up will get the Chappelle DVD:

Tarnished Tour De France recaptures some of its classiness.

Suddenly he realized why everyone seemed to be staring… He had forgot his safety helmet.

Congratulations, winners!

Starpulse Headline Writer Duffering From Syslexia

Monday, June 25th, 2007

Directors Crancis Foppola and Scartin Morcese vow never to rescue Joaquin Phoenix from the flames. (Steven Spielberg chuckles to himself.)

Break Dancing: Has it Gone Too Far?

Saturday, June 23rd, 2007

Goll-ee, I’m Losing My Erection

Friday, June 22nd, 2007

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Sexy Jessica Alba takes a break from promoting Fantastic Four to do her famous Gomer Pyle impersonation.

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