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Law and Order: Supreme Court Unit

nt_court.jpgIn yet another sign that the American system of government has gone deep down the rabbit-hole, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has cited the television show 24 as precedent in arguing for the legality of torture:

“Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. … He saved hundreds of thousands of lives,” Judge Scalia said. Then, recalling Season 2, where the agent’s rough interrogation tactics saved California from a terrorist nuke, the Supreme Court judge etched a line in the sand.
“Are you going to convict Jack Bauer?” Scalia challenged his fellow judges.

Following Scalia’s example, the Highest Court in the Land proceeded to hand down the following rulings utilizing the wisdom of television as a guide:

  • Jesse’s addiction to “pep” pills noted in upholding stiff regulation of prescription drugs
  • “B.J.” from B.J. and the Bear and “Boner” from Growing Pains cited in FCC/obscenity decision
  • Cpl. Klinger’s zany cross-dressing cited in upholding constitutionality of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”
  • Backward development of Mork’s son Merth noted before overturning partial-birth abortion ban (giant egg used as exhibit A)
  • Papa Smurf’s benevolent leadership during vicious Gargamel/Azrael attack of ’85 cited in allowing suspension of habeus corpus
  • Linda Hamilton’s relationship with the Beast detailed in reinstating anti-miscegenation laws
  • That guy who played Murdock’s abuse of the holodeck to create erotic scenarios featuring Counselor Troi and Dr. Crusher used to justify internet pornography regulations
  • Jewel’s hardships in Deadwood noted in ruling which allows stem cell research
  • Geri’s triumphs in The Facts of Life noted in ruling which bans stem cell research
  • Raj’s confession to Rerun that he had moved in on Dwayne’s girl in the “Hey Hey Hey” incident mentioned in allowing executive privilege to shield testimony
  • Entire dissenting argument in Hamdi v. Rumsfeld found to be quoted from episode of Hogan’s Heroes
  • Fonzie jumping the shark cited as evidence that the tradition of the rule of law in American jurisprudence has jumped the shark

When reached for comment in the afterlife, Justice Thurgood Marshall said, “The show’s had two black presidents. How much more obvious does it need to be that 24‘s a fantasy?”

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