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Archive for the 'America!' Category

Powell Endorsement Blows McCain Campaign

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008


Howell Endorsement Cinches Obama Win

Monday, October 20th, 2008


A surprise twist in an already surprising election, millionaire Thurston Howell, III, has publicly announced his support for Democratic candidate, Barack Obama.

A resident of Newport, Rhode Island and a Harvard graduate, Howell’s support of Obama’s campaign comes as a lethal blow to the McCain camp.

A McCain representative seemed unphased, stating, “It’s probably just because he’s black.”

Keith Angry!

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann takes McCain to school re: his hurt feelings over campaign mudslinging.

Olbermann makes Sam Kinison look like Steven Wright.

[Clip via WLAMTA]

McCain Mimes How Nancy Reagan Broke Her Pelvis

Thursday, October 16th, 2008


“Stella ain’t the only one who got her groove back!”

[pic via Farts, etc.]

McCain: As President I Will Start All Speeches With “Get Well Soon”

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

In last night’s Presidential debate against That One, McCain started off with a trademarked hospital-shout-out — this time to former First Lady Nancy Reagan, who is apparently healing her broken pelvis.

The Maverick just can’t help himself – he has a lot of friends in the hospital. I guess he’s just at that age.

Meanwhile, in the race for Plumberdent, a rising star took center stage.

Where Does He Get Those Wonderful Toys?

Monday, July 28th, 2008

your boyfriend

His lanyard says, “I’m Batman.”

[Bat tips via Fishboy]

Calling Paris Hilton. Come In Paris.

Thursday, July 19th, 2007

I know what you’re thinking – a JUNKINESS post inviting you to “come in Paris” can only mean one thing. But rest your dirty minds, I’m actually suggesting Paris Hilton come to the table and lend her mindblowingly undeserved celebrity status to a cause close to her heart (or the place where her heart should be).

I’m talking about criminal justice and overzealous prosecution based on prejudice. Hilton and crew cried foul not so long ago when her drunk driving sentence was carried out to the letter of the law (sort of). And whether you hate her or love her or couldn’t give a shit if she lives or dies, you knew about her “plight.” Everyone talked about it, blogged about it — Larry King and Barbara Walters indian wrestled over the first exclusive interview. And Paris emerged with a bible in one hand and a promise to use her fame for good in the other. So far she’s paid it forward with some new hair extensions, a couple of bikinis and some surfing lessons; she’s not exactly Bono (or even Sally Struthers).

So we invite Paris to make good on her promises and lend some attention to this bullshit Jim Crow era insanity going on in Jena, Lousiana. Here’s the lowdown:

On September 1, 2006-the morning after 3 black students attempted to integrate Jena High School’s playground by sitting in the traditionally all white area under a tree–three nooses were left hanging from the tree’s branches.

Racial tension rose–a series of fights broke out around town, a white man pulled a sawed-off shotgun on black students at a convenience store (they wrestled it away from him), and someone burned down most of the school. When the boys who hung the nooses were caught and the superintendent brushed it off as a “harmless prank,” every black student in school crowded under the tree in protest.

The District Attorney was called into the school to end the protest. Flanked by police officers he held a pen in the air and told them all, “I can end your life with the stroke of a pen.”

On December 4th, another fight broke out at school [an injured white student was sent to the hospital, but released later that day with no serious injuries] and the DA charged six black students with attempted second-degree murder. He wrote an open letter to the students in the town’s only paper that “when you are convicted, I will seek the maximum penalty allowed by law.”

The six teenagers are facing 80-100 years in prison without parole. They range in age from 15-17 years old.

One of the biggest problem the teens are facing is a lack of awareness. Thankfully, that’s where someone like Paris can actually make a difference. So we invite Paris, and all the bloggers, news crews and papparazi who covered every second of her recent trial, sentencing and imprisonment, to take action before the sentencing on July 31.

Lending your celebrity status to a political issue that affects lives? That’s hot.

Bush: ‘I Am a Ginormous Prick’

Monday, July 2nd, 2007


“… and whatcha gonna do about it, punks?

[Cross-posted from WULAD.]

In Your Fucking Face, Immigrants!

Thursday, June 21st, 2007

Why should we allow illegal aliens to take all our jobs, when there are plenty of complicated robots not-yet-built that can do close to the same thing for more money?!!! You think robots can support their families for free? Use your fucking head for once, genius.

Law and Order: Supreme Court Unit

Tuesday, June 19th, 2007

nt_court.jpgIn yet another sign that the American system of government has gone deep down the rabbit-hole, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has cited the television show 24 as precedent in arguing for the legality of torture:

“Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. … He saved hundreds of thousands of lives,” Judge Scalia said. Then, recalling Season 2, where the agent’s rough interrogation tactics saved California from a terrorist nuke, the Supreme Court judge etched a line in the sand.
“Are you going to convict Jack Bauer?” Scalia challenged his fellow judges.

Following Scalia’s example, the Highest Court in the Land proceeded to hand down the following rulings utilizing the wisdom of television as a guide:

  • Jesse’s addiction to “pep” pills noted in upholding stiff regulation of prescription drugs
  • “B.J.” from B.J. and the Bear and “Boner” from Growing Pains cited in FCC/obscenity decision
  • Cpl. Klinger’s zany cross-dressing cited in upholding constitutionality of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”
  • Backward development of Mork’s son Merth noted before overturning partial-birth abortion ban (giant egg used as exhibit A)
  • Papa Smurf’s benevolent leadership during vicious Gargamel/Azrael attack of ’85 cited in allowing suspension of habeus corpus
  • Linda Hamilton’s relationship with the Beast detailed in reinstating anti-miscegenation laws
  • That guy who played Murdock’s abuse of the holodeck to create erotic scenarios featuring Counselor Troi and Dr. Crusher used to justify internet pornography regulations
  • Jewel’s hardships in Deadwood noted in ruling which allows stem cell research
  • Geri’s triumphs in The Facts of Life noted in ruling which bans stem cell research
  • Raj’s confession to Rerun that he had moved in on Dwayne’s girl in the “Hey Hey Hey” incident mentioned in allowing executive privilege to shield testimony
  • Entire dissenting argument in Hamdi v. Rumsfeld found to be quoted from episode of Hogan’s Heroes
  • Fonzie jumping the shark cited as evidence that the tradition of the rule of law in American jurisprudence has jumped the shark

When reached for comment in the afterlife, Justice Thurgood Marshall said, “The show’s had two black presidents. How much more obvious does it need to be that 24‘s a fantasy?”

The Missing Linc-oln

Friday, June 8th, 2007

A newly-discovered letter from Abraham Lincoln to Union General George Meade was unveiled at the National Archives yesterday.

The letter, only a few lines long, does not offer new information, but it captures Lincoln’s strategic sense and fervent desire for the war to end.

The note reads, “Hey, Dillhole! Hurry up and finish off those slave-trading buttwipes so you can come chill in Omaha — I met this sweet underage chick named Virginia Wilkes-Booth and she’s totally into three-ways. Peace out, A-Link.”

The letter is also thought to include an invisible map on the reverse which gives clues to the location of Lincoln’s weed.

Odds Are Good Bush Ripped Ass Today

Friday, June 8th, 2007

bush.jpgPresident Bush had to cancel some of his G8 conference meetings this morning due to a stomach illness. 

The aide said the suspicion is that Bush fell ill with “some sort of bug, probably more viral in nature” and that it likely was unrelated to anything he ate at the summit of eight industrialized democracies being held at this seaside resort.

The aide then disclosed some of the President’s more colorful expressions for gastric distress:

  • Calling for a poop surge
  • Asking what would Jesus spew
  • Dealing with the cut and runs

Pop Quiz: Offended Douchebag Edition

Friday, June 8th, 2007

son.jpgA fist fight broke out in the Alabama Senate when Republican Senator Charles Bishop punched Democratic Senator Lowell Barron.

Republican Sen. Charles Bishop said Democratic Sen. Lowell Barron called him a ‘son of a _________.’

Although the offending word was not printed, what do you think could have so enraged a Southern Republican? Being a called a “son of a” what?

a. Jew,

b. non-white minority, or

c. believer in evolution?

The correct answer is:

d. A son of a Bush.

Clinton Supporters: Niggardly In Q2

Thursday, June 7th, 2007

The Huffington Post has learned from sources close to both candidates that the Obama campaign will surpass the Clinton campaign in second quarter fundraising. “It’s a matter of pure mathematics,” an Obama fundraiser told HuffPost. “We had 104,000 donors in the first quarter; Clinton had 60,000. And while 75 percent of Hillary’s contributors had maxed out, only 50 percent of ours had. So we had had a lot more potential to grow — and we did.”

Now imagine he’s white.

According to Our New Arrival, Life is More Than Mere Survival

Thursday, June 7th, 2007

What do you get the Dad who hs everything? A butler! Apparently, butlers are in high demand lately. And with a reported butler shortage, shoppers can expect long lines, inflated prices and general chaos in butler stores nationwide.

“We simply can’t keep up with the demand here,” says Charles MacPherson, vice chairman of the International Guild of Professional Butlers and an instructor at the International Butler Academy in the Netherlands.

As demand soars, so do salaries. The well-groomed butlers… now regularly fetch up to $200,000 annually – along with room and board, benefits and a 401(k). “British butlers in New York can easily make an extra $10,000 to $20,000, based just purely on their accent,” MacPherson says.

It’s rumored they can make an extra $50,000 based purely on their willingness to hide dead underage hookers. What a country!

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