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Archive for the 'Crime' Category

Where Does He Get Those Wonderful Toys?

Monday, July 28th, 2008

your boyfriend

His lanyard says, “I’m Batman.”

[Bat tips via Fishboy]

Calling Paris Hilton. Come In Paris.

Thursday, July 19th, 2007

I know what you’re thinking – a JUNKINESS post inviting you to “come in Paris” can only mean one thing. But rest your dirty minds, I’m actually suggesting Paris Hilton come to the table and lend her mindblowingly undeserved celebrity status to a cause close to her heart (or the place where her heart should be).

I’m talking about criminal justice and overzealous prosecution based on prejudice. Hilton and crew cried foul not so long ago when her drunk driving sentence was carried out to the letter of the law (sort of). And whether you hate her or love her or couldn’t give a shit if she lives or dies, you knew about her “plight.” Everyone talked about it, blogged about it — Larry King and Barbara Walters indian wrestled over the first exclusive interview. And Paris emerged with a bible in one hand and a promise to use her fame for good in the other. So far she’s paid it forward with some new hair extensions, a couple of bikinis and some surfing lessons; she’s not exactly Bono (or even Sally Struthers).

So we invite Paris to make good on her promises and lend some attention to this bullshit Jim Crow era insanity going on in Jena, Lousiana. Here’s the lowdown:

On September 1, 2006-the morning after 3 black students attempted to integrate Jena High School’s playground by sitting in the traditionally all white area under a tree–three nooses were left hanging from the tree’s branches.

Racial tension rose–a series of fights broke out around town, a white man pulled a sawed-off shotgun on black students at a convenience store (they wrestled it away from him), and someone burned down most of the school. When the boys who hung the nooses were caught and the superintendent brushed it off as a “harmless prank,” every black student in school crowded under the tree in protest.

The District Attorney was called into the school to end the protest. Flanked by police officers he held a pen in the air and told them all, “I can end your life with the stroke of a pen.”

On December 4th, another fight broke out at school [an injured white student was sent to the hospital, but released later that day with no serious injuries] and the DA charged six black students with attempted second-degree murder. He wrote an open letter to the students in the town’s only paper that “when you are convicted, I will seek the maximum penalty allowed by law.”

The six teenagers are facing 80-100 years in prison without parole. They range in age from 15-17 years old.

One of the biggest problem the teens are facing is a lack of awareness. Thankfully, that’s where someone like Paris can actually make a difference. So we invite Paris, and all the bloggers, news crews and papparazi who covered every second of her recent trial, sentencing and imprisonment, to take action before the sentencing on July 31.

Lending your celebrity status to a political issue that affects lives? That’s hot.

No Rape for You!

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

sein1.jpgLast week, Jerry Seinfeld caused a minor brouhaha when he took advantage of a promotional interview for his new movie to try out some of his new sexual assault-themed material:

Promoting his new animated film, Bee Movie, in the New York Daily News today, the usually family-friendly comic quipped, “Bees have the only perfect society on earth … They have no crime, they have no drugs, they have no rape. A little rape, but it’s not that bad.”

Predictably, the anti-rape crowd got its panties up in a bunch, with one critic from a sexual violence resource center commenting, “With what I hear about every single day, I don’t find anything at all funny about rape, and I don’t like it being made light of. I understand he’s a comedian and he’s inclined to find humor in everything, but it was offensive.”

The situation could’ve been much worse, however, as Seinfeld fortunately stopped short (“He stopped short? That’s my move!”) of sharing his full arsenal of rape-larious humor, which includes the following:

Q: How many rapists does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to duct tape the lightbulb down, a second to watch the door and a third to convince the light bulb that it was asking for it.

Q: When is a rape not a rape?
A: When the rapist is a talented athlete.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rapist and Courtney Love?
A: A rapist with AIDS.

Q: What has four legs, two backs and bloody skin under 10 of its 20 fingernails?
A: Jerry Seinfeld getting raped by Larry David.

Q: What do you call it when you are forced to have sex with the California Raisins?
A: Grape.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting rapist.
Interrupting rapi–
Drop ‘em or I’ll fuckin’ kill you.

A rapist walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?” The rapist answers, “There are so many girls in here, and I’m all out of GHB.”

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. That’s why there’s rape.

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body, we just want the body. Ding! Rape!

Maybe the dingo raped your baby!

She Didn’t Even Break a Nail

Monday, June 18th, 2007

My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Kristy Swanson attack her boyfriend’s ex-wife at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it’s pretty serious:

Skating with Celebrities star Kristy Swanson was arrested late Saturday night for allegedly assaulting the ex-wife of her companion and former skating partner, Lloyd Eisler…

Eisler, 44, a former world champion pairs skater, met [Swanson] in 2006 while filming the FOX reality series, and their romance created a scandal in the skating community when Eisler left his pregnant wife for her.

“I had to go the police station where I had an appointment at 9 p.m. to begin the process of being arrested,” [Swanson] confirms.

See how civilized things are in Canada? Swanson simply drove to the police station for her arrest appointment. She paid a fine and was politely released on bail. Then she calmly walked to her car and drove it over a helpless koala bear, and fucked the bear’s husband in front of her while she died.

Life, O.J., Has Funny Way of Sneaking Up On You

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007

If there was an audio definition of “ironic” it would be O.J. Simpson’s most recent public statement, bashing the media for its coverage of Paris Hilton’s incarceration.

He says, “When Paris Hilton was going to jail last week, more people knew about that than knew that we were sending people into space that day. It has replaced what is real news. There was always a place for it, but it was (gossip writer) Rona Barrett. Now it is the equivalent of (late, high-brow journalist) Edward R. Murrow reporting it today.”

Added Simpson, “On a completely unrelated subject, don’t miss my new reality show Wife Choppers, coming to Spike TV this Fall.”

Let My Genarlow Go!

Monday, June 11th, 2007

banana1.jpgIn a stark reminder that the American criminal justice system occasionally deals with issues not involving Paris Hilton, a judge in Georgia has ordered the release of a 19-year-old former honor student who was serving a sentence for having consensual oral sex with a 15-year old two years ago:

The judge in his ruling Monday threw out Genarlow Wilson’s 10-year sentence and amended it to misdemeanor aggravated child molestation with a 12-month term, plus credit for time served. Under the ruling, Wilson, who has been behind bars for more than two years, would be released and would not be required to register as a sex offender.

In a related story, R. Kelly has announced a series of performances at Georgia high schools.

Swag: The ‘Paris Hilton Wrap-Up’ Wrap-Up Edition

Friday, June 8th, 2007

“It only costs $1,000 to get out of jail? Now I’m angry. There I was in that cell giving up every hole to anyone I could, and all I got was that lousy pack of cigarettes and set of dominos made out of soap. God, I’m a dumb whore.” [IDLYITW]

“I really think this is unfair! I feel this is not just unfair, it’s pure craziness. She doesn’t deserve any of this! My heart is aching for her! — Kim Kardashian.” [TMZ]

“Sources inside the courtroom at her sentencing say Paris was visibly shaking and seemed to be in need of medical care. In a related story, I basked in my freedom by enjoying a snow cone. Then I picked some flowers, hit a game winning home run, and kissed a beautiful girl as the waves crashed around us.” [WWTDD]

“It’s like the O.J. verdict for white people.” [BWE]

Do Not Collect $200 Billion…

Friday, June 8th, 2007

Paris Hilton was sent directly to jail after a (totally awesome) judge overturned Sheriff Lee Baca’s decision to defy his initial ruling and allow her to serve her time under house arrest.

Los Angeles City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo issued the following statement to TMZ in response to Judge Sauer’s decision ordering Paris Hilton back to jail:

“This decision sends the message that no individual — no matter how wealthy or powerful — is above the law. Today, justice was served.”

Following the announcement, O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake and Michael Jackson all made similar statements commending the California justice system and its fair and balanced treatment of celebrities.

And The Pulitzer for Photojournalism Goes To…

Friday, June 8th, 2007

This photo.

To truly revel in the dizzying heights of ecstasy this image delivers, CLICK HERE and download this larger version for your desktop wallpaper.

UPDATE: He’s already got one.

Swag: WWTDD is Funnier Than Us Edition

Thursday, June 7th, 2007

We’d outfunny us, too, if we were blogging from home in pajamas made of hundred dollar bills.

“What do we have, voluntary fucking prisons in LA now? No shit [Paris Hilton] didn’t like [prison] and freaked out, that’s the point. I’m surprised they didn’t just lock her up inside Magic Mountain.” [WWTDD]

“By tomorrow, they’ll take off the house arrest ankle bracelet and replace it with the Congressional Medal of Valor, and they’ll do it in one of those big ceremonies like at the end of Star Wars.” [WWTDD]

“She probably had a note signed by a Dr. but in her world “Dr” means the dude was a DJ or drug dealer.  I wanna see this note and if it’s signed “Dr. Groove” I’m gonna go absolutely apeshit.” [WWTDD]

“The only good news is that Nicole Richie is set to face a judge soon about her DUI and maybe the backlash from Paris will cause everyone to go nuts and overreact with Nicole.  They’ll all want to look like they’re tough, so they’ll just load Nicole into a little rocket and then shoot her directly into the sun.” [WWTDD]

Paris is Burning… and Itching

Thursday, June 7th, 2007

Paris Hilton has already escaped prison after serving just a few days of her (already-reduced from 45) 23-day sentence. Medical reasons — that’s the bullshit excuse that will allow her to serve the rest of her term in the comfort of home. She’ll have to wear an ankle bracelet, but I’m betting it’s fucking Prada.

Steve Whitmore of the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s office said Hilton had been “reassigned” but he declined to identify her medical condition for privacy reasons.

We’re guessing she’s suffering from a bad case of getting her wittle feewings huwrt. Or a severe bologna sandwich allergy. Or maybe her Herpes is so bad the other prisoners asked to have her removed from the general population. Or she’s showing acute symptoms of My-Dad’s-A-Billionaire-itis that law enforcement officials could no longer ignore.

Seriously, though – we’re positive she was released early after impressing all the inmates with her winning smile and can-do attitude, and convincing them all to give up their lives of crime and do something for their communities, like she has.

One Knife in Paris?

Tuesday, June 5th, 2007

If you’re like us, you’re extremely disappointed that Paris Hilton will apparently be protected from a well-deserved beatdown while in the clink for the next three weeks. However, a verbal beatdown is nearly as good, and doesn’t involve prohibitively expensive prison guard payoffs. Therefore, we’re happy to begin the Junkiness Paris Hilton Roast ’07!

  • Paris Hilton is so shallow, small watercraft are often grounded on her shoulders.
  • Paris is so inane, Andy Dick blames her for lowering the level of public discourse.
  • Paris is so dense, her mass is entirely compressed into a region with zero volume and infinite gravitational pull which causes space-time to curve and the Theory of General Relativity to collapse.
  • Paris is so lame, she makes Geri from The Facts of Life look like Blair from The Facts of Life.
  • Paris is so crab-infested, whenever she comes to town, she puts the local Red Lobster out of business.
  • Paris is so lazy-eyed, people ask her for Marty Feldman’s autograph.
  • Paris is so incarcerated, she makes Mumia Abu Jamal look like D.B. Cooper. (more…)

Every Dead Kid Has A Silver Lining

Tuesday, June 5th, 2007

You know the old saying, “The mysterious and unsolved murder of a daughter makes strange bedfellows?” Well it couldn’t be more true for John (Who Killed JonBenet?) Ramsey and Beth (Aruba, Jamaica, Natalee, Where’d They Take Ya?) Holloway Twitt. The pair has been seen “canoodling” in Alabama (although, that far south they refer to it as relationatin’).

The couple has been spotted openly holding hands and kissing in Mountain Brook, Ala. — where Twitty lives — and at an art show at a nearby art museum. They’ve also been seen at various restaurants. Ramsey on Monday denied the reports that they are dating.

We don’t know what all the fuss is about — this is really quite typical behavior. It’s just two people who have undergone similar ordeals, growing close due to shared circumstances and common goals. The same thing happened with:

* Wesley Snipes and Leona Helmsley
* Sharon Tate and Lacey Petersen
* O.J. Simpson and the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom
* Fatty Arbuckle and Hogzilla
* Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton

Spam I Am

Thursday, May 31st, 2007

One of the top 10 spammers in the world was arrested yesterday in Seattle.

Robert Alan Soloway is accused of using networks of compromised “zombie” computers to send out millions upon millions of spam e-mails.

A federal grand jury last week returned a 35-count indictment against Soloway charging him with mail fraud, wire fraud, e-mail fraud, aggravated identity theft and money laundering.

Soloway pleaded not guilty to the charges, explaining to the judge on duty, “I work in the credit and accounts department of Union Bank of Nigeria. I write you in respect of a foreign customer with a Domicilliary account. He was among those who died in a plane crash here in Nigeria during the reign of late General Sani Abacha…”

Soloway is described as a 27-year-old caucasian male with thick, luxurious hair and a 10″ penis the width of my fist.

Someone You’ve Never Heard of Has An Opinion (Sort of)

Tuesday, May 29th, 2007

Shanna Moakler (a.k.a. Who?!) has weighed in on the recent trials and tribulations of Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan via that glorious, equalizing weapon of truth, her MySpace blog.

So as the penis posse goes down one by one and enters jail or rehab…I don’t really think anything of it…they just show me what I always knew and thought they were _________. ( you can fill in the blank)

Our top three guesses for what Shanna intended to write in the blank are:

  • Competition
  • Cyborgs
  • A picture of a polar bear punching a unicorn in the face
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