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Archive for the 'Disease' Category

A Commercial Only Jennifer Love Hewitt Can See

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007

British comedian Bob Monkhouse recently starred in a television spot promoting the fight against prostate cancer. The advertisers had a tough challenge in casting Monkhouse, as he’s been dead for four years.

Ad-makers blended archive footage of Monkhouse with shots of a body-double in a graveyard for the Prostate Cancer Research Foundation’s “Give a few Bob” campaign.

The script, spoken by a sound-alike, warns in typical Monkhouse one-liner style… “Let’s face it — as a comedian, I died many deaths. Prostate cancer, I don’t recommend.”

This comes as fantastic news for Stephen Dorff whose dead career is now planning a PSA warning against the dangers of “fatal douchebaggery.”

In addition, Columbia Pictures will be producing a series of advertisements for the DVD release of Leonard Part VI starring “Ghost Dad.”

Speaker Speaks Out About What Was Spoken

Wednesday, June 6th, 2007


Andrew Speaker, the tuberculosis patient who set off an international health scare by flying on a commericial airline told lawmakers Wednesday that doctors told him he was not contagious:

CDC knew that I had it,’ Speaker said. ‘They were aware that I was going on my travels. Yes, I was told that Fulton County would prefer that I not travel, but I was also told I was not contagious, I was not a threat to anyone, there was no need to sequester me.’

Speaker then continued, “all they said was that my penis nose might frighten the ladies on board. That’s all.”

Speaker then sneezed and asked for a condom tissue.

A Rolling Stone Gathers No Fatal Cancer

Wednesday, June 6th, 2007

wat.jpgWhen Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts was diagnosed with throat cancer in 2004, he believed his death would be imminent:

When I first found out about the cancer, I literally went to bed and cried. I thought that was it, that I’d only have another three months.

Watts then told reporters that after making a full recovery he also went to bed and cried because he was hoping to die before seeing Keith Richards in the craptastic Pirates of the Caribbean III.


Tuesday, May 29th, 2007

Gajillions honor fallen heroes by seeing really shitty sequel to shitty sequel of okay movie.

Britney reaches out to her fans through cyberspace: “Please pay attention to me!

Georgia man infected with XDR-TB, still awaiting super powers.

Microsoft to release new product, possibly Killer Attack Android, at midnight tonight.

Filmmaker Mike Figgis detained at airport for admitting intent “to shoot a pilot.”

The H is O

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

Some guys in lab coats have been talking around the water cooler and collectively agree: global warming is gonna be some scary shit.

“Environmental changes have always been associated with the appearance of new diseases or the arrival of old diseases in new places. With more changes, we can expect more surprises.”

Surprise! You’ve got arthritis in your teeth!
Surprise! You’ve got AIDS in your eyes!**
Surprise! You’ve got halitosis of the knee!

When reached for comment, Courtney Love responded, “Hopefully I’ll get a tapeworm in my balls that’ll eat all the chiggers.”

**a.k.a. Visual AIDS

Sun of a Bitch

Monday, May 14th, 2007

supertan.jpgIf you’re headed out for some sunny summer fun this fun sunny summer, you can forget about relying on your trusted sunscreen, according to scientists:

The latest skin-cancer prevention advice is to stop trusting sunscreen as the front line of defense against harmful rays. Instead, wear sunblocking clothing or stay out of the sun altogether, experts say.

The experts offered the following reasons why you should no longer trust your favorite sunscreen:

  • It’s constantly checking out your girlfriend’s rack when you’re not looking
  • It borrowed my hedge-trimmer three years ago and every time I mention it, it pretends not to be able to hear me
  • It’s been telling the Feds about your “collection” for months
  • Got drunk and confessed it wouldn’t mind if you died of skin cancer if it meant you’d shut up about Goddamn Burning Man for once
  • If you get skin cancer, you’ll finally have something to talk about when you see John McCain at the strip clubs
  • Pricier and less effective than the traditional Native American method of being buried up to your head in sand and covered in fire ants
  • “Methylparaben” is science-talk for “liquid communism”

Lying Burns Calories

Thursday, May 3rd, 2007

keira_narrowweb__300x587_0.jpgWinona Ryder’s refugee camp baby, Keira Knightly, was “devastated” when pictures of her emaciated body appeared in magazine articles about too-skinny celebrities. But Keira denies she has an eating disorder:

“I had lost weight,” she says. “We were filming in searing temperatures and shooting fight scenes in which you were wearing a wetsuit underneath a load of corsets, fighting with heavy weights in the water. Can you imagine a more advanced cardio workout than that done hour after hour?”

“Also,” she added. ”I don’t eat. Food is for fatties.”

Scalpel… and KY, STAT!

Monday, April 30th, 2007

Doctors are perfecting ways to perform surgery using the body’s natural openings. Despite the difficulty presented by the narrowness of some orifices, the results have been impressive.

Doctors in New York and in France have announced they removed gall bladders through the vaginas of two women. And doctors in India say they have performed appendectomies through the mouth.

In other news, Lindsay Lohan will live forever.

Asperger’s Syndrome: Bad News/Good News

Wednesday, April 11th, 2007

ABC News reports that kids with Asperger’s Syndrome –a highly functioning form of autism– often get bullied at school.  Noah, a featured child with the disorder said:

There was one kid that was the worst. He just called me names and he was not nice,” Noah said. “He was mean — mean to the bone. I was so mad that I couldn’t let out my anger. I was just like hiding it. I just didn’t feel like being at that school anymore.

The good news is that many Asperger sufferer’s lack the ability to feel empathy for their peers, so the odds are high that many high school bullies will utlimately be tortured to death in freakish Hannibal Lector fashion a mere ten years from now.

Sounds More Like Second Base to Me

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

In honor of the beginning of baseball season, Junkiness brings you the following tidbit about the leisure habits of David Wright, the New York Mets’ 3rd-base wunderkind: when not on the baseball diamond, Wright enjoys bowling, and though not “serious” about the sport, he does insist on bringing his own ball:

I’m not like a hygiene freak or anything. I’m just not so into… sticking my fingers in things that strangers have touched.

Wright went on to say that this was the same reason he doesn’t like to hang around with Tara Reid.

It’s On!

Wednesday, March 28th, 2007


Friday, March 23rd, 2007

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow jumps on the cancer bandwagon.

Porn: 1 – Kids not jacking off to the internet: 0

Would like the Honey Sodium Aluminum Phosphate or BBQ Calcium Lactate sauce with your McNuggets?

A website created to make you feel as old as you are loser-ish.

If you’ve always fantasized about doing it to Pam Anderson while Denis Leary and Bill Shatner tossed your salad, this is the contest for you!

Edwards to Drop Out?

Thursday, March 22nd, 2007

A day after his wife visited the doctor for a checkup related to her breast-cancer recovery, John Edwards has called a press conference, leading some to speculate Elizabeth Edwards’ health has taken a turn for the worse and the former Senator is abandoning his White House bid:

Campaign officials refused to answer any questions about what the couple learned at the doctor’s appointment or how it might affect Edwards’ second presidential bid. Edwards had cut short a trip to Iowa to be with his wife but still attended a barbecue fundraiser Wednesday evening in Chapel Hill, their hometown.

The campaign had said Mrs. Edwards, 57, had a follow-up appointment Wednesday to a routine test she had Monday. The campaign explained that she had similar follow-ups in the past but they always resulted in a clean bill of health.

The campaign refused to describe what happened this time.

When reached for comment, fellow presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich said, “What’s the big deal? Why doesn’t he just find a younger, prettier wife while the old cancery one’s in for treatment?”

Uncomfortably Mum

Monday, March 19th, 2007

The Straight Talk Express made a stop in Awkwardtown, Iowa, when presidential hopeful John McCain couldn’t decide how to answer a question about funding contraception to prevent AIDS.

Mr. McCain: “I haven’t thought about it. Before I give you an answer, let me think about. Let me think about it a little bit because I never got a question about it before. I don’t know if I would use taxpayers’ money for it.”

Q: “What about grants for sex education in the United States? Should they include instructions about using contraceptives? Or should it be Bush’s policy, which is just abstinence?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “Ahhh. I think I support the president’s policy.”

Q: “So no contraception, no counseling on contraception. Just abstinence. Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “You’ve stumped me.”

Q: “I mean, I think you’d probably agree it probably does help stop it?”

Mr. McCain: (Laughs) “Are we on the Straight Talk express? I’m not informed enough on it. Let me find out. You know, I’m sure I’ve taken a position on it on the past. I have to find out what my position was. Brian, would you find out what my position is on contraception – I’m sure I’m opposed to government spending on it, I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it.”

The Straight Talk Express was held for emergency repairs at Pandering Junction, while engineers tried to determine the source of a foul odor. “Smells like bullshit to me,” commented one passenger. With time to kill, McCain took in a matinee of the new Chris Rock movie, I Think I Love My Wife. His staff is scrambling to discover his views on the film, but have assured us that they are completely in line with the President’s.

Krab Kong

Wednesday, March 7th, 2007

A group of scientists at the Florida Museum of Natural History have established through DNA analysis that humans originally contracted pubic lice, a.k.a. crabs, from their close relatives the gorillas—but before you go there:

“It certainly wouldn’t have to be what many people are going to immediately assume it might have been, and that is sexual intercourse occurring between humans and gorillas,” explained researcher David Reed… “Instead of something sordid, it could easily have stemmed from an activity that was considerably more tame.”

When asked for examples of this tame activity, Reed offered the following possibilities:

  • Cuddling
  • Snuggling
  • Makin’ out
  • Let’s just lay here in our underwear
  • I just want to show you my silverback
  • C’mon, Baby, we don’t have to go all the way. (But all the other primatologists are doing it.)

When asked where the gorillas themselves got the crabs, the researcher answered, “Well, I don’t want to name any names. Which reminds me—Paris, if you’re reading, Bobo asked me to tell you to pick up your stuff or he’s going to throw it out.”

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