When you’re looking for a protein bar, look no farther than Snickers Marathon. With flavors like Chocolate Nut Burst and Caramel Nut Rush, how can you resist? We think you’ll enjoy swallowing the entire line of Marathon Bar flavors, including:

Vanilla Jizz Bomb
Cherrie-jaculation
Nut-Butter Brickle
Chunky Baby Batter
Sploogberry Blast
Rocky Load
Glacial Facial
Kumquat
Chocolate Chip Ookie Cookie
Butterscotch Smegma
Delicious Nougat Almond Stain
Felch Swirl
Bukkake Nut Cluster
Skeet Squirt
Goo Juice Guzzle
Spunky Monkey
Almond Joy
Cummy Bears
Semen**

**Contains artificial flavoring

Police in California report a growing trend in cocaine traffickers adding flavors to the powder and charging 40 percent more for it.

“They (users) said regular cocaine gives a medicine taste in the back of the throat when snorted,” Giorgi said. “With the flavored, you get a strawberry taste.”

“That’s so weird,” commented Lindsay Lohan. Whenever I use cocaine I always get the taste of semen in the back of my throat.”

Authorities in Dallas, Texas, are closely monitoring the use of cheese.

Cheese is not only dangerous. It’s cheap. It causes drowsiness and lethargy, as well as euphoria, excessive thirst and disorientation. That is, if the user survives.

Authorities say the number of arrests involving possession of cheese in the Dallas area this school year was 146, up from about 90 the year before.

In a stunning blow to American dominance in the field of fruit archeology, a group of Japanese scientists have unearthed what are believed to be the remains of the world’s oldest melon:

Based on a radiocarbon analysis, researchers estimate the half-rounded piece of fruit to be about 2,100 years old… The remains are believed to be the oldest of a melon that still has flesh on the rind.

Based on the mummified fruit’s position and the debris surrounding the find, researchers believe that the melon was originally part of Joan Rivers’ breakfast.

Chilean-born artist Marco Evaristti mixed fat removed from his body by liposuction with ground beef to make meatballs…

In totally unrelated news, Val Kilmer is said to be currently working on an “Untitled Summer Camp Comedy Remake” for next year.

Howard K. Stern, meet David K. Cross. [The Apiary]

George W. Bush? More like Alfred E. Neuman. [The Guardian]

Introducing Han C. Solo (the “C” stands for carbonite, chocolate) [Boing Boing]

Jesus H. Christ! [Yahoo! News]

Remember that time you stepped on a bee as a kid, and it hurt but you felt bad for the bee, but your Mom told you there were lots more bees so not to worry about it? Well, think again, asshole, because you may have fucked us all:

Unless someone or something stops it soon, the mysterious killer that is wiping out many of the nation’s honeybees could have a devastating effect… perhaps even reducing us to a glorified bread-and-water diet. About one-third of the human diet comes from insect-pollinated plants, and the honeybee is responsible for 80% of that pollination.

When asked for dietary suggestions once our buzzing friends have all flown off to the Great Hive in the Sky, experts listed the following items which should still be available after the horriffic Beepocalypse of 2007:

Hugh Grant was arrested yesterday. The actor was brought up on assault charges for attacking a photographer with a tub of beans.

[Grant] reportedly aimed a full tub of beans at the snapper, kicked him and, according to the photographer, said he wished his children die of cancer.

So wait, are all celebrities walking around with a tubs of beans now? Is that like the latest thing? How’d I miss that? Regardless, it seems to me a can of beans would be a lot more practical. With a tub of beans you’d always have to worry about the lid coming off and causing a mess. Sure, you’d have any easier access to the beans (beans are tasty!), but all in all, I think carrying them in a tub is way more trouble than it’s worth.

The headline “Maturing British Cheese Becomes Internet Star” is in reference to what news item of the day?

1. The upcoming Spinal Tap reunion at Wembley Stadium

2. A cheddar webcam with fans from all over the world

3. A typo in this article about John Cleese

4. Madonna’s accent

The MySpace blogger protesting Sanjaya Malakar’s success on American Idol has ended her hunger strike. Known only as “J” the young woman had gone food free for 16 days.

[She] has resolved to continue her fight for the elimination of the contestant through the traditional strategy of voting for anyone except Malakar.

When asked by reporters if she would use her protesting talents to speak out against other injustices, like the genocide in Sudan, “J” replied, “I’m not familiar with that show. Wait, is that the one where they all have to make food for the jerky British chef?”

It’s time once again to dive into the plentiful pile of questioning questionry that is the Junkiness mail-vortex, and select a few morsels of curiosity to crush under the mighty answering-skills and rhetorical hyperbole of your very own… Uncle Junky!

Dear Uncle Junky,

Why would Comedy Central kill Jon Stewart’s sitcom? Just watched it, and it’s pretty good. Rumor is they put more money into it than any show they’ve ever shot. Thought maybe you could get to the bottom of it. Big Junki fan!

–Inquisitive in Indiannapolis

Good question, Indy. First, let’s take a moment to get those of our readers less acquainted with life here in the future up to speed: there are these things called pilots, which are ideas for new TV shows which are “pitched” to the omniscient and omnipotent network taste inquisitors. Our current capitalist dog system guarantees that these inquisitors, in their infinite wisdom, invariably reject the most worthy of these pilots in favor of shows like “According to Jim.”

Why is this allowed to happen, you ask? Why, here in the land of the free, are crimes against humanity such as “The War at Home,” “The Ghost Whisperer,” and “America’s Funniest Extra-Judicial Genital Electrocutions” allowed to fester in prime time while potential classics like the aforementioned “Three Strikes” and “Penelope Cruz Reads the Phone Book Naked” are left on the shelf? (more…)