Junkiness - For Addicts of News, Gossip and Heroin

Archive for the 'Force Majeure' Category

Let’s Go ‘Canes!

Thursday, May 10th, 2007

canes1.jpgThe zany fun known as hurricane season is fast approaching, and the Junkiness Meteorological Mob knows you’d hate for it to begin without knowing the names of each and every storm that’s about to flatten your home, dog, and all your possessions.

So, we happily present the official alphabetical names of the first 26 tropical storms, hurricanes, or badass muthafuckin’ hurricanes for the 2007 season–which will long be remembered as the year you really wished you’d stayed in Jersey and married that crazy skank Sheila Garibaldi instead of moving to Florida to pursue your stupid dreams:

  • Anakin
  • BlackJesus
  • C1alis
  • Dorff
  • Eczema
  • Firecrotch
  • Gigli
  • Hasselhoff
  • Indigogirl
  • Janet (Miss Jackson if it’s nasty)
  • Krispykreme
  • Lando
  • Manimal
  • Nasonex
  • OMG!
  • Priaprism
  • Qaedalicious
  • Ronaldinho
  • Sugartits
  • Tempestbledsoe
  • Uvula
  • Voldemort
  • Dubya
  • Xanax
  • Yarmulke
  • Zartgarfunkel


Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007

The Decider upgraded to the Commander Guy; 15% pay raise granted.

What really happened on 4/29?

Former governor to become first ever gay priest?

Lindsay Lohan awaits day she’s finally old enough to drink.

RIP, N-word. 

Dawn of the Rhododendron

Monday, February 5th, 2007

Something smells rotten in London, and it’s not Kate Moss. Okay, something else smells rotten in London. The Titan Arum, or Corpse Flower, which blooms once every six-to-nine years, has blossomed much earlier than expected due to unusually warm temperatures last year.

“The Titan, standing at 164 cms tall is now giving off a revolting stink,” said curator Don Murray. “It is a cross between rotten cheese, dog poo and something dead.”

“Tonight the flowers will be in full bloom — as will the stench — and that will last through Tuesday and Wednesday. But by Thursday it will have started to die back,” he told Reuters from the project in Cornwall 220 miles southwest of London.

Botany geeks are traveling from all over the Northern Hemisphere to watch in wonder as the amazing plant shambles through the city on its quest for human brains. Naked women and assholish control freaks are warned to be on particular guard.


Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

A $1.6 million fine is going to be tough to swallow for the “Girls Gone Wild” franchise… PSYCHE! [Yahoo]

Mel Gibson is completely sane… PSYCHE! [Pajiba]

Democrats control the Senate… PSYCHE! [WaPo]

We can totally afford to get sued… PSYCHE! [Junkiness Xmas]

People still say “psyche”… PSYCHE!

World to Get Less Aggressive, More Dirrty

Thursday, November 16th, 2006

With war, genocide and other atrocities raging througout the world, it’s easy to feel pretty helpless. Fear not though. You too can help curb worldwide negativity by participating in an upcoming event called the Global Orgasm:

The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high-energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.

The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world.

With that in mind, it seems like no coincidence that Christina Aguilera has decided to whore it up on her tour:

Pop star Christina Aguilera has vowed to make her new tour raunchier than ever. The singer vowed to tone down her sexiness after marrying Jordan Bratman last year, but instead she plans to channel her marital bliss onstage with an extravaganza including circus acts and costumes designed by Roberto Cavalli.

So when you think about it, the Dalai Lama is kind of a lightweight compared to Xtina. Personally, I only jack off to him about half as often as I do to her. Seriously, I heard one time on the set of the Dirrty video, a bunch of dead orphans came back to life and joined the Peace Corp.

Gandhi? MLK? Maybe if they’d gotten boob jobs and wore assless chaps they wouldn’t have been such failures.


Tuesday, August 29th, 2006

Foxy Brown pleads innocent to beating up some nail salon stylists, then reverses it and pleads innocent. Then double-reverses that which makes her still innocent. Then triple-dog dares someone to find her guilty of killing JonBenet Ramsey. Then backs off, whacks off and fucks the other two. All were confused.

The President may be losing some great photo-ops if Ernesto doesn’t start getting more hurricany.

File under: Things That Are Never Gonna Happen.

NBC apologizes for accidentally airing something that was worth something.

First Steve Spurrier and now Tom Cruise. Why can’t the Redskins be more like the Cowboys and just stick to assholes inside the NFL?

Global Warming = Awesome Awsomeness

Wednesday, August 9th, 2006

Okay, despite overwhelming scientific evidence, we’re not willing to say that global warming is in actuallity a real thing. And, if it is real–which it isn’t–we’re not saying that humans are responsible. But, even if both of those things were true–which they totally totally are not!–if you think about it, global warming is actually kind of bitchin’!

Just ask National Review editor James S. Robbins

Personally, I don’t know what all the shouting is about. Global warming is great. Granted, maybe it isn’t really happening, and if it is there are strong reasons to doubt that humans have anything to do with it. But if the world is warming, I say “bravo.”

Now, many of you Islamo-Fascist tree-hugging nancy-boys out there may have a hard time grasping this, since you’re all so busy blaming America first, but there are at least a bazillion reasons why global warming totally completely rocks! Here’s just a few…

  • Brand new beach front property in Kansas!
  • 3,000-degree temperatures in August will get us all prepared for our inevitable colonization of the Sun.
  • As in all disasters, this will be a great opportunity for rich people to get richer. And for poor people to die.
  • If Hurricane Katrina taught us anything, almost all of the hundreds of thousands of people who die will be poor and black. Not to be classist or racist or assholish, but they almost always vote Democrat. And it would be dangerous for everyone to have a Democrat in office during such an emergency.
  • If evolution were real, which it’s not, we’d all certainly grow really boss gills and fins and get to marry beautiful topless mermaids with perfect aquamarine nipples and live happily ever after in a magical kingdom under the sea.

In Case You Hadn’t Noticed…

Thursday, August 3rd, 2006


Wednesday, July 26th, 2006

What’s next? Big Bird was on Red Shoe Diaries?

China is building an artificial sun. Earth to be completely fucking vaporized on August 15.

TomCruise.com is out of sinister hands… and into crazy hands.

Leo DiCaprio, Madonna and a quadriplegic? Who’s been snooping around in my nightmares?

Know how Oprah and Gayle are not gay? They’re even not’er gay than you thought.

Jordache and Liz Hurley still exist.

Electricity is For Pussies

Monday, July 24th, 2006

If you’re one of the 3,000 “customers” in Queens who still hasn’t gotten your motherfucking power back after, like, a fucking week of showering in the dark and tripping over garbage that you don’t even know why you left in the middle of the room in the first place, here’s what we have to say to you…

Stop being a little whiny bitch.

You don’t need electricity to have fun. Or work. Or live. Or just, you know, not go crazy. Fuck no! There’s plenty of superfun things you can still do. Here’s a few suggestions…

  • Have sex with some random stranger just so that you can brush your teeth in their bathroom.
  • Drink way too much in Manhattan and then fall asleep on a nice air-conditioned subway car.
  • Begin composing long and boring “Back in the blackout of aught-six…” anecdotes.
  • Masturbate. A lot.
  • Think about masturbating. A lot.
  • Not get any work done.
  • Yell at your desk lamp.
  • Fume.
  • Die.

This Post Will Melt in Thirty Seconds

Tuesday, July 18th, 2006

In case you’re reading this while trapped in a meat locker like what happened on the Brady Bunch that one time, here’s a news flash: It’s fucking hot out there!

Like, not just hot, but, like, really really fucking hot! Holy shit! I saw a man burst into flames on the street a few minutes ago. And then a bunch of people went and huddled around him because his flaming carcass was less hot than the air everywhere else. (Yes, it’s that hot.)

In some areas of the country, the heat index is reaching a record 115 motherfucking degrees. People are dying. Massive black-outs are expected, due to people going fucking nuts with the air conditioning.

Tomorrow, the temperature is expected to drop to a chilly 85 degrees. Have your sweater ready.

Greetings From Oligochaetaville!

Wednesday, June 28th, 2006

Well, we’ve already discussed talking monkeys, mind-reading computers and singing Paris Hiltons, so I guess it’s about time we got into some writing worms.

What if I were to tell you that the worms of the world, after having spent the past several thousand or so years carefully drafting their message to humanity, are finally ready to reach across the superphylum-boundary and communicate with mankind? You’d be skeptical, right? Well, take a look at this green tomato, and its message of hope:


Actually, the message appears to be “!h’i_“, but let’s give the worms a break, because they’re new to the whole grammatology thing. And the message is a tad vapid. We’d maybe like a little explanation for intestinal parasitic infestation or something. But you’re missing the point.

The worms are talking to us!

I know what you’re thinking. “What’s the big deal? Alan Colmes wrote an entire book.” Well, he had a really good editor.


Wednesday, June 14th, 2006

The spirit of America is alive in Katrina “survivors.” It’s this kind of quick-thinking entrepreneuralship that made our country what it is today.

An inconvenient response from scientists about Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth.

Thai people don’t take that kind of shit from soccer fans…especially loud Italian ones.

Finally, a reality show about cats? But the Onion had a better idea.

Larry the Cable Guy, back when he was still Larry the Yuppie Guy. (Perhaps some of you remember this letter from David Cross.)


Tuesday, June 6th, 2006

The Dark Lord Satan has begun his ascent from the depths of Hell, pushing mountains from his path and sending plumes of fiery smoke into the sky, according to unconfirmed internet sources.

Some people question the sincerity of the President’s recent heartfelt plea for homophobia.

Google releases more web-based technology that 90% of everyone won’t understand.

Kittenpants has an important message for young singers, so, if you’re a young singer, you should probably go there right away because it’s message is important.

Jimmy Hoffa Fever! Catch It!

Thursday, May 25th, 2006

It seems that Michiganians can’t get enough Jimmy Hoffa, Jimmy Hoffa, Jimmy Hoffa!

As the FBI is in the midst of tearing the holy hell out of everything looking for the dessicated corpse that was the subject of many popular sitcom-friendly Mafia jokes throughout the early-1980s, a Milford Township bakery is cashing in on all the hoopla by selling specialty cupcakes designed to look like Jimmy Hoffa’s zombie green(???) hand reaching menacingly from beneath the earth.

We’re not making fun of this bakery. We think this is awesome. (Plus, we think the blurry girl in the background is kinda cute.) More bakeries should be getting into the same spirit. Bakeries out there who read this blog, we have some ideas for you:

  • A smashed jelly doughnut sprinkled with metal shards to signify the violent rebellion that has recently struck East Timor.
  • A cheese danish topped with a large mushroom to pay homage to Iran’s newly aquired nuclear power.
  • One half of a black-and-white cookie submerged in a bucket of toxic water in anticipation of how New Orleans will handle the upcoming hurricane season.
  • Sponsors