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Archive for the 'God' Category

There Will Be Blog

Monday, June 23rd, 2008

So we tried posting on Junkiness for a year. Then we tried not posting on Junkiness for a year. Turns out, we missed it.

The Junkiness within cannot contain itself. We’re not saying it’ll be updated every day, but Junkiness will live on.

So fire up your browsers and get your eyes and asses to Jnay as often as possible.

Thank you,
The Jnay team.

Gibson’s PASSION OF THE CHRIST II Gets Right to the Point

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007


Wednesday, June 13th, 2007

The great questions of religion, hashed out by two has-beens. [WLAMTA]

Father’s Day is coming–remember to do something special for your tiny Japanese Hitler! [Japan Probe]

Katie Holmes introduces what’s bound to be the next big hair fad–the “Evil Spiderman.” [BWE]

Maybe the Dalai Lama should spend a little more time freeing Tibet and achieving enlightenment, and a little less time hitting on celebrity widows and hobnobbing with koala bears. [Yahoo]

Naked man-butt! Helmet bras! Hilarious comments! Amazing prizes! Exclamation points! [Junkiness Caption Contest]

Give Us This Day Our Daily Scrubs

Tuesday, June 5th, 2007

NBC Universal is expected to name the Pope its new studio head. While NBC U is still declining to comment, various trade publications have been predicting the announcement since early last week.

[The] Pope had also been approached about other offers, but ultimately decided NBC made the most sense.

The “other offers” the Pope was approached about included managing Lindsay Lohan, programming development for the CW and forgiving Stephen Dorff for making Space Truckers. He remains confident that he made the right choice.

What does the announcement mean for NBC? “In some ways, Pope’s new title won’t change anything,” one insider reported. “Fall programming will remain the same, except that kid on Heroes will have his power changed to oily-nakedness.”

Kirk Cameron’s Favorite Shark

Tuesday, June 5th, 2007

New DNA evidence has uncovered a hammerhead shark born as the result of a “virgin birth.“ 

The finding marks the first confirmed case of a female shark fertilizing her own eggs and giving birth without sperm from a male, a process known as parthenogenesis.

The new DNA evidence also allowed scientists to predict that thousands of years from now, followers of the shark will deny the existence of dinosaurs, start crappy ska bands and molest the shit out of baby sharks.

In related news, Mel Gibson has decided to remake the 1975 hit film Jaws, promising even more gore (especially in the iconic shark-crucifixion scene). The film’s plot remains basically the same, but this time when Brody says “We’re gonna need a bigger boat,” Noah shows up.


Thursday, May 31st, 2007


A group of Buddhist monks visiting Kansas City received an unwelcome surprise when they returned from their baby-back-rib-sampling rounds to discover that an elaborate sand mandala which they had spent the previous two days creating had been used by a local boy for a game of “Dance Dance Revolution.”

The boy, whose delightful antics were captured on security cameras, has not been identified; the monks, however, were characteristically nonplussed, viewing the incident as a reminder of the impermanence of all things:

“No problem,” Geshe Lobsang Sumdup, leader of the group from the Drepung Gomang Monastery in southern India, said through a translator. “We didn’t get despondent. We have three days more. So we will have to work harder.”

In his mind, Sumdup added, “little stupid fat American frenchfry-sucking capitalist piglet,” in punishment for which he will serve his next lifetime as a dung beetle.

[Link via BoingBoing.]

Heap of Faith

Tuesday, May 29th, 2007

j_1.jpgPraise the Lord! Finally, our intelligent design prayers have been answered. Behold the Creation Museum:

A museum that tells the Bible’s version of Earth’s history — that the planet was created in a single week just a few thousand years ago — attracted thousands to its opening as protesters rallied outside.

The museum boasts the following exhibits and attractions:

  • See how the dinosaurs prayed.
  • Unretouched photos of Charles Darwin raping puppies.
  • Interactive Zoo allowing guests to view Jews in captivity.
  • Six Degrees of Adam & Eve genealogical chart.
  • Exhibit detailing the divine destruction of Gomorrah due to the ancient city’s fondness for Harry Potter books.
  • Fully stocked cafeteria featuring delicious “What Would Jesus Stew”!
  • Scientific proof that fossils of so-called pre-man hominids were actually gay mutant apes that sodomized themselves into extinction.
  • Kirk Cameron
  • Faith-based carbon-dating results proving the Great Pyramids were actually built in 1987 A.D.

and the museum’s most popular attraction:

  • God’s penis in a jar.


Half-Naked Chick: ‘We Have a Soul and Stuff’

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

Maher, Maher, Maher…

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

How do you like it? How do you like it?

The H. in Jesus H. Christ Revealed…

Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007

You think this is weird?

Turns out it’s just a publicity stunt promoting the remake of Trading Places.

Falwell That Ends Well

Tuesday, May 15th, 2007

… And with so much love left to give.

Alternate, meaner titles for this post:

  • Falwell Blames Death on Abortions, Gays, Liberal Hollywood
  • Q: What Lies in a Box and Hates Gays? A: Jerry Falwell
  • Falwell About to Find Out that Heaven is a Lot Hotter than He Thought
  • Falwell Horrified to Discover that Light at End of Tunnel is Gay Disco Party
  • Falwell Waits in Purgatory While God Crafts Eternal Butt Plug
  • Gay God Gets Ready to Hit the Showers with Falwell
  • Falwell Gets Shocker at Pearly Gates: 9/11 Was His Fault
  • Guess Who’s Not Getting Invited To Oscar Wilde and Truman Capote’s KY Afterlife Party?
  • Falwell Dead; Nation’s Gays Mourn Passing by Entering Glory-Holes At “Half-Shaft”
  • How The Mighty Have Falwellen


Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007

The Decider upgraded to the Commander Guy; 15% pay raise granted.

What really happened on 4/29?

Former governor to become first ever gay priest?

Lindsay Lohan awaits day she’s finally old enough to drink.

RIP, N-word. 

Vengeful God Smites Liberal Bay Area Commuters

Monday, April 30th, 2007

Be warned, American drivers: you practice abominations such as gay marriage and sourdough bread at your own peril!

Great Day For Judaism

Wednesday, April 18th, 2007

There are many proud moments in Judaism’s long history: the birth of monotheism; the receipt of the 10 Commandments; and the reclaimation of the State of Israel. But today, might be our proudest moment. Mandy Moore tells Elle Magazine:

“I guess I have a type! I like a good Jewish boy.
With a sense of humor.”

I’m here for you, Mandy! No foreskin. Love my mom. And funny? Oy Gevalt! You never heard such funny! Just check out the site. (Okay, most of it was written by a bunch of WASPs and an Italian, but I have a few.)

And let me say, your devotion to Members of the Tribe like me is truly impressive considering you used to date Zach Braff. I promise, Mandy. If you go out with me I will NEVER write some sappy, Indie screenplay as an excuse to roll around with Natalie Portman. Never.

Okay, gotta run now. Need to write some jokes and not eat pork. Call me.


Thursday, April 5th, 2007

We’re all gonna die!!!! (Or possibly have our global positioning devices all screwed up.)

Tarantino also notably broke the case on Sundays being lazy, cell phones being obnoxious and cocaine being increasingly expensive the later the night gets.

In two weeks, Whitney will officially be snorting for one.

Indonesian Muslims object to Playboy‘s subjugation of women.

God is everywhere. Especially your brain.

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