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Archive for the 'Hair of the Dog' Category

My Next Crime Will Be In St. Paul

Friday, March 23rd, 2007

A 24-year-old man has been arrested by St. Paul police for cutting the head off of a 17-year-old girl’s pet dog and leaving it for her in a gift-wrapped box, filled with candy hearts.

The man, who is expected to be arraigned Friday, was being held on suspicion of terrorist threats. Police said he may be charged with animal cruelty.

Police said the man they arrested lived a few blocks from Crystal and may have had a romantic interest in the girl.

The St. Paul police don’t jump to conclusions.  Yes, of course, this is a terrorist threat, but is it animal cruelty?  Not so fast.   Let’s get to the facts first.  Did he murder and dismember the dog with a Ginsu knife or a rusty handsaw?  And let’s not just assume there was a romantic interest.  There are lots of reasons a young man might kill a teenage girl’s dog and deliver the head in a box filled with Valentine’s Day candy.  Maybe she turned down Johnny Fontane for a great role?

Hair of the Dog

Saturday, November 18th, 2006

Sometimes we like to take our readers dancing in the dark, walking through the park and reminiscing. Here’s what you may have missed if you haven’t been hipped to J-Nay in the past few weeks:

RELIGION
Anna Nicole Smith is worried her dead kid will be lonely in Heaven. But at least he’ll finally learn the answers to life’s greatest riddle: the mystery of God’s genitalia.
Meanwhile, the 11th Commandment is unveiled: Thou shalt not diss Fergie.

POLITICS
Rummy may have moved on, but Karl Rove is still holding onto hope. And Trent Lott becomes the first Minority Whip who may have actually whipped minorities.

NEWS
The French lose, again. But what would we know about kissing? The kind of nerd it takes to write this comedy gem is ironically the kind that probably never made it to third base.

I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SHIT
If I were throwing up a little at OJ’s arrogance, here’s how it would taste. And answer me this: how are Boys II Men gonna write a song about this?

JUNKINESS HITS AND MISSES
We got our first comedy boyfriend this week: Guest Editorialist Jon Benjamin. And we had a tailgate party in the Michael Jackson Parking Lot.

However, the pretend loss of a celebrity caused quite a controversy among our readers.

Ultimately, we pulled it together to achieve our greatest accomplishment: coining the term “Matty Mc Nay Nay.”

Hair of the Dog

Saturday, September 16th, 2006

In case you missed it, here’s what was awesome this week at Junkiness:

Dorff dorffs while dorffing his dorff.

Lindsay Lohan’s vagina needs its (her? his?) own publicist. Seriously.

Anna Nicole traded in her older model kid for a shiny new one. But did Daniel OD on Trimspa or did he choke on the band-aids Anna Nicole was trying to put on his heart through his mouth.

It takes balls to be as ludicrous as Ludacris.

Don’t tell Kanye: God doesn’t care about Black people.

George W. Bush is totally sort of pretending to hunt down Osama bin Laden one of these days. One things for sure, that’s going to be a long fucking beard.

Is Justin Timberlake a dog-fucker or isn’t he? Maybe he’s just trying to impress Sheryl Crow.

Attention hamburgers: Oscar-winner Ben Affleck is coming for you, bitches!

Nicole Richie doesn’t have any eating disorder. Kate Bosworth agrees. Scarlett Johansson commented, but her mouth was too full of deep-fried Twinkie pizza to be understood.

In the wake of the Whitney and Bobby split, little Bobbi Kristina needs a new mommy and daddy. She can’t do worse. Or can she?

Here’s to the Winners

Friday, August 25th, 2006

Milwaukee, Wisconsin has been named America’s “Drunkest City” in a recent survey by Forbes.com. The beer-producing and -consuming nexus triumphed over such lesser booze meccas as Minneapolis, Columbus, and Boston. However, one citizen begged to differ:

Dave Fantle, a spokesman for [the area's convention and visitors bureau], noted a new convention center and baseball park had been built and the Milwaukee Art Museum expanded in recent years … “We’ve gone from Brew City to new city,” he said.

… before being held upside down and forced to ingest 4 liters of Miller Lite through a beer bong by a gang of unruly locals chanting, “Show us your tits!”

The survey also named winners in the following categories:

  • Glue-Sniffinest City: Omaha, NE
  • Freaked-Out-on-Dexatrimest City: Elko, NV
  • Bloated-Plutocratest City: Washington, DC
  • Biodegradeable-Buttpluggest City: San Francisco, CA
  • Yankees-Suckiest City: Boston, MA
  • Praying-Furiously-while-Jerkin’-Itest City: Provo, UT
  • Yonkersest City: Yonkers, NY
  • Snortin’-Coke-Off-Paris-Hilton’s-Titsiest City: Hollywood, CA
  • Snortin’-Dandruff-Off-Alyssa-Milano’s-Armsiest City: Staten Island, NY
  • Unreciprocated-Oral-Sexiest City: Grand Rapids, MI
  • Hobokenest City: Yonkers, NY

Hair of the dog

Sunday, August 13th, 2006

Have you been keeping up? Cause shit is crazy! Here’s what we’ve learned at Junkiness lately:

Global warming is just a dream. A sweet, wet, wonderful, good times dream.

Totally not fat Val Kilmer wants to be left alone. I’m talking to you, Ryder.

Someone get Lindsay addicted to these before she does something stupid.

Suri photos: This isn’t the first time someone has caught a glimpse of a blurry could-be-child near a window.

Aniston smash!

The Beatles are named gay icons; Mel Gibson: “I never liked the Beatles.”

Potatoes claimed in the name of France.

Stop lying, Lindsay and Ashlee: your Black Dad raised you better than that.

Cruise, Bass: both crotch-grabbers.

Oh the dignity and generosity of politics. Mitt Romney’s not racist. Some of his best friends are tar babies.

Tori Spelling needs free porn like Girls Gone Wild need more liquor.

If you’ve got alligators in the water, maybe call on Chuck Norris.

The stars are out in support of Mel Gibson. As upsetting as his actions were, we still love his movies.

NERDS!

Hair of the Dog

Saturday, July 22nd, 2006

Here’s what we’ve learned at Junkiness recently…

J-Lo is a witchy woman.

Keira Knightly is an anorexia expert who loves her half-pint jugs, and she’ll probably be dating a tall 40-year-old actor any day now.

Ken Lay’s birthday is like Christmas and MLK Day all rolled into one.

Spiderman has been getting in touch with himself.

Paris Hilton celebrates opposite day.

Ann Coulter is a big fan of ctrl-c, ctrl-v.

Oprah and Gayle are totally not non-ungay. Meanwhile, Chevy Chase is absolutely not totally not the opposite of a non-douchebag.

God’s wallet is the one that says, “Bad Motherfucker.”

Kate Hudson is legally fat.

If you can get the fondue pot you gave Carmen and Dave back, you can regift it to Pam and Kid. No need to wash it first.

Hair of the Dog

Monday, July 3rd, 2006

Have you been keeping up lately? In the past three weeks we’ve witnessed nine of the seven signs of the apocalypse. Shit is crazy!

Capitol Hill? More like Crapitol Hill. Rove’s on the loose and Cheney’s still taking shots. Bush and the Supremes have finally realized that the Earth is hot, so Congress wants to put us on the next planet over. Don’t worry–we’ll be keeping ourselves warm around the most patriotic campfire ever!

Speaking of burning shit, which is more fucked up: a kid who burns his family to hide a bad grade, or a kid who desecrates a corpse so that he can take a toke? Kids burn the darnedest things.

Shiloh Nouvel is already past her prime. Will Brad and Angie’s next kid be adopted? Will it be older? One thing’s certain: it won’t be Japanese.

Britney’s finally escaping the spotlight and handling it in her own Brit-ish way: by applying nonsensical animal catch-phrases.

But here’s the most unbelievable shit of all:

Rush has a boner for Chloe.

Stephen Dorff does not have a boner for dudes.

Warren Buffet and Bill Gates have lost their boners for unending wealth.

I know that’s a whole lotta “what the fuck?!!” to take in at one time. So take tomorrow off and celebrate America’s birthday with a stiff drink and a stiff boner, just like the one Stephen Dorff doesn’t get for guys.

Hair of the Dog

Friday, June 9th, 2006

It’s been a sexxxy couple of weeks here at JUNKINESS. Here’s what we’ve learned recently:

Pervs in the Netherlands want to make things official, campaigning for the right to bare kids.

Here in the USA, the FCC is still very much anti-titty, but has no problem with childrens’ programming produced by convicted wang-touchers.

DHS can’t find any landmarks or icons in New York City, Senate too busy making out to argue.

Guards Seeking Prisoner: Must be into humiliation, bondage, role play. Drug/Disease free, please reply to US Military.

Pirates. Always funny.

Hair of the Dog

Friday, May 26th, 2006

Here’s what we’ve learned this week:

Wil Wheaton must not have banged Tina Yothers when he had the chance.

Penn Jillette loves his children as much as Lindsay Lohan loves hats on a bed.

Foot licking is as serious a crime in Oklahoma as it is in California.

Motel 6 won’t be leaving any lights on for Kevin Spacey.

When the people find out the truth about AT&T shitting on your privacy, they mobilize and attack!

And finally, who’s the most hetero dude ever? Not Jared Leto. The answer is Burt Reynolds, followed closely by Tom Selleck. Pretty much anyone with a moustache. Except for almost everyone with a moustache.

Hair of the Dog

Friday, May 19th, 2006

Each Friday afternoon we’ll round up our favorite posts of the week. This being our first official week, we thought we’d dig deep in the archives to include older posts you may have missed.

* Yanni Beats Girlfriend

* Tom Jonesing: Dolly Streaks

* Libby Fingers Bush

* Knight Murders Credit Rating

* Finally, A Compelling Argument For Gender Equality

* NBC Unveils All-Backstage-Sketch-Show Lineup

* Scottsdale Refuses to Eat Out

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