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Archive for the 'Killer Attack Androids' Category

McCain Mimes How Nancy Reagan Broke Her Pelvis

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

Wacky!

“Stella ain’t the only one who got her groove back!”

[pic via Farts, etc.]

JUNKINESS Exclusive: Britney’s New Video!!!!

Sunday, July 22nd, 2007

She’s back and hotter than ever!!!

In Your Fucking Face, Immigrants!

Thursday, June 21st, 2007

Why should we allow illegal aliens to take all our jobs, when there are plenty of complicated robots not-yet-built that can do close to the same thing for more money?!!! You think robots can support their families for free? Use your fucking head for once, genius.

What You Don’t Know Might Kill You

Friday, June 1st, 2007

Reuters (in taking a break from the tediousness of current events) reported today these five facts about Dr. Jack Kevorkian.

  • Charged with first-degree murder after his first known assisted suicide… charges were later dismissed.
  • Built suicide machine, the “Mercitron,” for $30.
  • After four failed prosecutions, sent to prison for 10 to 25 years in 1999
  • Taught himself Japanese and German while in high school during WWII.
  • Appealed to leave prison early because of poor health… however, did not consider himself a candidate for assisted suicide.
  • Here are some facts they forgot to mention:

  • Likes to refer to sex as his “second favorite form of lethal injection.”
  • Wrote alternate-history single-page version of Tuesdays with Morrie called Tuesday With Morrie Between 3 and 4 p.m.
  • Currently developing the Mercitron 3000 — now for kitties and puppies!!
  • Once beat a speeding ticket by asking officer, “Hey, what’s that on your forearm? No, this one; where I have my needle.”
  • Will not relent assisted-suicide advocacy until the very best suite at the nursing home is available
  • Really into Death Metal
  • Swag

    Tuesday, May 29th, 2007

    Gajillions honor fallen heroes by seeing really shitty sequel to shitty sequel of okay movie.

    Britney reaches out to her fans through cyberspace: “Please pay attention to me!

    Georgia man infected with XDR-TB, still awaiting super powers.

    Microsoft to release new product, possibly Killer Attack Android, at midnight tonight.

    Filmmaker Mike Figgis detained at airport for admitting intent “to shoot a pilot.”

    Today in Blatant Self Promotion…

    Thursday, April 26th, 2007

    Okay. Here’s the book that wins the Oddest Title Ever award. Or at least The Dumbest Title I’ve Read Today Award. It’s called Life on Planet Rock: From Guns N’ Roses to Nirvana, a Backstage Journey Through Rock’s Most Debauched Decade and it’s written by Lonn Friend.

    1. From G ‘n’ R to Nirvana? Someone should tell this guy that a decade is more than two years.
    2. I’m almost postive Lonn (pronounced “Lone”) Friend has a ponytail and never goes a day without dropping into conversation that he owns a Linkin Park album.

    Now, conversely, the Best Title Ever Award (and I can assure you that being both the author of the winning book and the head of the awards committee in no way interferes with my ability to remain objective) goes to:

    IF I DID IT: What Might Have Happened in the Last Seven Years

    Among other things, it’s guaranteed to contain:

    1. Robots
    2. Unicorns
    3. Five more years of history than Planet Rock, and eleventy-four percent more actual debauchery.

    Will the Real Joker Please Stand Up?

    Tuesday, April 24th, 2007

    Yesterday, celebrity blog What Would Tyler Durden Do posted images that supposedly show Heath Ledger in makeup as The Joker for the new Batman sequel, Dark Knight.

    But then today the same website posted this photo of Michelle Rodriguez.

    Get your facts straight, Hollywood gossips!

    P.S. – wouldn’t it be great if the film was instead called Dark Knight Pulliam and the joker was played by

    Beware the EMO Menace!

    Wednesday, March 21st, 2007

    Oh, local news. How painfully uninformed you are. Apparently Emo is the new Goth.

    The Chinese Are Coming! The Chinese Are Coming!

    Friday, March 2nd, 2007


    In the time it took you to watch this video Kenneth Eng has determined how to infallibly alter any reality of the Multiverses to his bidding, while maintaining cosmic perfection and symmetry.

    RUN. FOR. YOUR. LIVES.

    Aliens: The Miracle Cure

    Thursday, March 1st, 2007

    First a Canadian kookoo-cum-political-genius tries to convince us that alien technology can solve global warming. Now John Travolta is convinced that the program inspired by the teachings of thetan-hating, alien overlord worshipping Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard could have prevented Anna Nicole Smith’s fatal overdose.

    “It’s so sad,” Travolta said while in promoting his latest flick, “Wild Hogs.” “We could have helped her with Narconon but didn’t get a chance to. I wish we had.”

    While normally one might dismiss this as “crazy spacetalk from the dancing Battlefield Earth guy,” in Smith’s case, it certainly couldn’t have hurt. Tell her to cleanse her body thetans and she’d most likely strip naked and hump a bowl of sand. But for an extra $5 million, her personal monitor ATM appointed best friend from the Celebrity Centre would have made sure that sand was pill-free.

    Then again, if you try hard enough you can totally OD on vitamin B and Niacin. Nature finds a way.

    Travolta Set to Breakout His Wild Hog on Wife Again

    Thursday, March 1st, 2007

    John Travolta and wife Kelly Preston are planning to add another baby to their brood. Travolta says they are trying various techniques to help determine the gender of the child.

    “There are these other things where you have to decide if you want to have a boy or a girl. There are certain techniques you use. It worked twice. We wanted a boy the first time and we got a girl the second time. It has to do with positions and results and all sorts of intricate things.”

    I’m not exactly sure what he’s taking about. If by “positions” he means “finding a heterosexual male to impregnate his wife,” and if by “results” he means “paying off said heterosexual male with hush money,” and if by “intricate things” he means “finding the perfect animal for which to sacrifice to the Mighty Xenu” then everything is clear as day. But if not, I have no idea what he’s talking about. Darn it, I knew I should have taken that personality quiz at the mall!

    And The Oscar For Best Documentary Short Goes To

    Wednesday, February 21st, 2007

    Anna Nicole Smith and, That’s a Camera.

    JUNKINESS Exclusive: LOST Returns Tonight!

    Wednesday, February 7th, 2007

    We’ve gotten our hands on this secret footage from tonight’s LOST episode. Spoiler alert! Only watch if you want to know the secret of “the crystal hatch,” or find out how Sayid, Locke and Sun drown to death in radioactive quicksand.

    Swag: Onomatopoeia Edition

    Monday, January 29th, 2007

    Katie Holmes “chooses” Queen-Latifah-heist-hijinx role over (higher-paying) Batman sequel. Pffft! [Defamer]

    Posh Spice is specific about the right way to waste money. (“Pew! Pew! Pew!”) [The Superficial]

    Zing! Bush and Lieberman are BFFs? [HuffPo]

    Global warming is off and running. Eek! [Yahoo!]

    SWAG: Total Asshole Edition

    Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

    Cybil Shepard says it was a painful colon illness, not making out with Bruce Willis, that inspired her lesbian role on The L Word. [Starpulse]

    Matthew Fox wants me to love him: “I’m a liar and a cheat and a thief and the ultimate manipulator. I tell lies every day, man.” [CNN via Mollygood]

    You know how much money you blow on hookers, drugs and porn? So does Dick Cheney. [New York Times]

    Naomi smash! [The Superficial]

    And the award for “Best Anal-Themed Feature” goes to… [Vegas Popular]

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