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Archive for the 'Killer Attack Apes' Category

Chewbacle

Tuesday, July 10th, 2007

The disturbing underbelly of “glamorous” Hollywood life has once again been exposed in a shocking story of sex, degradation and awkward groping. When Paris Hilton got arrested we, as a society, didn’t blink an eye. But when one of America’s most beloved stars — a universal ambassador of the ideals this country was founded upon — is arrested for mauling one of our most treasured and beautiful icons, we are forced to ask ourselves, “WHAT WILL WE TELL THE CHILDREN?!!!!”

Chewbacca… is accused of sexually assaulting Marilyn Monroe… in front of the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood in June. The wookie[e] then reportedly evaded arrest, police said.

According to an officer with the LAPD, Chewbacca allegedly took the platinum-coiffed actress’s hand and placed it on his private parts as the characters performed for tips from tourists.

Representatives for Chewbacca claim the lecherous gropes were part of a long-term lusty affair in which Monroe was a willing participant. According to Chewie, she began the foreplay earlier that day when she pressed his head toward her groin and demanded, “Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don’t care what you smell!”

Most of the Wookiee’s former castmates declined comment. However, one droid (who wished to remain anonymous) told JUNKINESS that a history of sexual aggression has plagued the actor for decades, and is well known to be the main reason he was denied a medal of valor during a 1977 ceremony.

Science Is Just A Guessing Game, Really

Thursday, June 14th, 2007

You might as well let all the prisoners out of jail, because Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have produced the child that disproves everything about genetic code and DNA.

I know that calling a little girl “freakishly ugly” is totally mean and uncalled for, but, my dad did it to me, so what the fuck — I’m going for it.

Huckabee Hatefest: 2 Fast, 2 Furious

Monday, March 19th, 2007

Earlier today, Defamer unearthed two videos of the backstage brawling between classy comedic actress, Lily Tomlin, and classy quirky director, David O. Russell. (Apparently the O. stands for OMG!!!!!)

Highlights include an extremely uncomfortable Isabelle Huppert and Jason Schwartzman dodging flying debris thrown by the director, who adds a very special consonant when he yells “cut.”

Unfortunately, the videos were removed from YouTube within hours of appearing on Defamer. We found alternate copies, watch quickly before they disappear!

The Power of Christ Compels You – To Freak the Fuck Out!

Wednesday, February 14th, 2007

Happy Valentines Day, Junkiness readers.

This One’s Not About Anna Nicole

Friday, February 9th, 2007

We return to our regularly scheduled VIDEO FRIDAY with this little nugget from the LOST writers’ room (which we found via Defamer

The Feel-Good Story of the Year

Wednesday, January 31st, 2007

Remember that movie where a Florida woman is brutally raped, survives the attack, calls 911 and the cops, instead of focusing on capturing a rapist, arrest her for an outstanding warrant that boils down to a paperwork glitch? Wait, that’s not a movie. That’s real life.

Police took her to the hospital and began a routine rape investigation… [and] discovered she had an arrest warrant out [from when the woman was a juvenile].

[H]er attorney says it appears to be a paperwork error.

Still, the woman was put in handcuffs and taken to jail. She was not allowed bond, and the medical staff at the jail refused to give her the Morning After Pill even though it had been prescribed at the hospital [because it was against the administrator's religion].

“So, here we have a medical supervisor imposing her beliefs on a rape victim,” claimed the victim’s attorney Virlyn Moore. “As a human being, how someone could be so violated by this monster and then the system comes along and rapes her again psychologically and emotionally – it’s outrageous and unconscionable.”

I should have been shocked by this story, but then I remembered we’re talking about Florida. This is the same state in which the highway patrol will pull a guy over, rape him, and then shoot him for “being gay.” I heard state troopers are working on a time machine they can use to make Hitler molest your family pet. They say necessity is “the mother of invention,” but southern hospitality is “the father of rape-related time travel.”

Christina Aguilera Rings In New Year at a John Waters Costume Party

Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007

Honestly, this:

Is not that far from this:

Insane-o Man: UPDATE

Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

Earlier today we reported that Pauly Shore was in [more] trouble [than usual].

UPDATE: According to The Superficial and TMZ this whole thing was staged. For what reason? Not sure. Shore’s reps aren’t commenting.

I have my own theories. Like, maybe Michael Richards was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future, and this was an example of how hecklers will become out of control if left unchecked by his ass-forking threats.

Insane-o Man

Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

It must be rough being The Weasel these days. He’s got to constantly ride that fine line between “people too dumb to be allowed in comedy clubs” and “people dumb enough to see Pauly Shore.” Watch what happens when he tells jokes to rednecks:

I’ll tell you something. I’ve lived in Odessa, Texas, and even though I was only four years old at the time, I was probably smarter (and drunker) than Pauly’s entire audience. Watching him senselessly beaten onstage was not nearly the dream come true I would have expected. Makes me want to rent Bio-Dome and jerk off to the William Atherton scenes. But then, what doesn’t?

A Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl

Friday, December 8th, 2006

Get ‘em, Oswalt.

Natural Born Killer Orca

Thursday, November 30th, 2006

The normally cheerful world of captive whale-slavery was rocked yesterday when Kasatka, a female orca indentured at Sea World, decided to rise up against Massah by chomping on the foot of her “trainer” and holding him underwater to remind him of the polite way to deal with a 17-foot, 5,000-pound wild animal:

[T]he whale and trainer plunged underwater, where Kasatka grabbed [brutal overseer] Peters by the foot and held him for less than a minute before surfacing, [merciless plantation master] Koontz said. … When they came up, Peters tried to calm the animal by rubbing and stroking its back but it grabbed him and plunged down again for about another minute.

(That never works with my girlfriend, either. Ba dump, etc.)

Not since the brutal mauling of the Man in the Yellow Hat has an incident so galvanized the captive animal community. The Rev. Whale Plankton called this “a great day for Cetacean-Americans in their struggle against trainer-supremacy and may I have that fish now,” while a spokesman for Sea World responded, “This is about heritage, not hate. If’n we let rabble-rousers like this Kasatka rile up the good whale-folk there’s gonna be trouble, and we’re not responsible for what decent whale-trainers might do to protect themselves and their whale-trainer women.”

Kasatka, whose name is Inuit for “Giant Deadly Beast Which Should Never Be Trained for Amusement,” had no official comment, but was heard to remark that Peters “tasted like penguin.”

Well I’ll Be a Monkey’s Uncle

Monday, November 13th, 2006

A zookeeper in Columbus, Ohio named Barb Jones is serving as a surrogate mother to orphaned baby gorillas:

Jones, a primate nursery keeper at the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium, works to break the cycle of primates born in captivity who never learn how to care for their offspring.

She teaches the young gorillas how to be babies while adult gorillas watch and learn their own roles. The hope is that the babies will grow up to be better caregivers that can look after their own young.

When reached for comment, Danny DeVito’s mother said, “Big deal. I’ve been doing that for 62 years.”

Monkey Trouble

Wednesday, November 8th, 2006

Citizens of New Dehli are fighting a monkey uprising:

The Madhya Pradesh government asked the supreme court not to force it to accept 300 stray monkeys rounded up in the national capital, New Delhi, after judges earlier ordered the pesky primates to be relocated there.

“The behavior and pattern of living of these monkeys has led to serious problems for local inhabitants,” the state said, arguing that the urbanized monkeys showed absolutely no fear of humans.

Locals reported the monkeys were likely to wreak all kinds of havoc, including “raspberries,” climbing tall buildings, playing baseball, “checking in”, and punching people in the face for saying “right turn.”

Stop! Or Stallone Will Shoot (Another Film)!

Tuesday, October 31st, 2006


Sylvester Stallone has decided to retire. The action hero has decided to release two, maybe three more turds and then he’s calling it quits. (In related news, Stephen Dorff hasn’t worked in months.)

Sylvester explained: “After I make [Rambo 4: In the Serpent's Eye], I see my future as a director. I’ve been displeased with my last few films, as well as some in the past.”

Rocky Balboa – the sixth film in the [Rocky] series – is scheduled to be released in December.

With retirement just around the corner, Stallone is taking some advice from Kevin Federline and looking into life on a farm:

JUNKINESS Exclusive! Tweedy Rocks The People’s Elbow

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

Can you smell what the rocker is cooking?!!

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