The disturbing underbelly of “glamorous” Hollywood life has once again been exposed in a shocking story of sex, degradation and awkward groping. When Paris Hilton got arrested we, as a society, didn’t blink an eye. But when one of America’s most beloved stars — a universal ambassador of the ideals this country was founded upon — is arrested for mauling one of our most treasured and beautiful icons, we are forced to ask ourselves, “WHAT WILL WE TELL THE CHILDREN?!!!!”
Chewbacca… is accused of sexually assaulting Marilyn Monroe… in front of the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood in June. The wookie[e] then reportedly evaded arrest, police said.
According to an officer with the LAPD, Chewbacca allegedly took the platinum-coiffed actress’s hand and placed it on his private parts as the characters performed for tips from tourists.
Representatives for Chewbacca claim the lecherous gropes were part of a long-term lusty affair in which Monroe was a willing participant. According to Chewie, she began the foreplay earlier that day when she pressed his head toward her groin and demanded, “Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don’t care what you smell!”
Most of the Wookiee’s former castmates declined comment. However, one droid (who wished to remain anonymous) told JUNKINESS that a history of sexual aggression has plagued the actor for decades, and is well known to be the main reason he was denied a medal of valor during a 1977 ceremony.