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Archive for the 'Marriage' Category

Eiffel Coward

Monday, May 21st, 2007

Pamela Anderson caused waves of panic all over France at this year’s Cannes Film Festival. After being booed on the red carpet, Anderson’s mere presence caused a stir at a local cafe.

Kid Rock reportedly “freaked out” before fleeing a restaurant in Cannes, after his ex-wife Pamela Anderson arrived at the eaterie.

A source tells the New York Daily News, “All of a sudden Kid is like, ‘Let’s go, let’s go!’ He grabs [girlfriend] May [Andersen] and pulls her out, and they leave right away.

Moments later, all of France “freaked out” upon discovering that someone let Kid Rock into Cannes.


Tuesday, April 10th, 2007

Grindhouse to be split into Grind and House.

Sco-Jo voted most likely to have her photos covered in jizz.

Did Elizabeth Hurley’s wedding mock the Hindu’s cooky little religion?

Birkhead shows the class befitting a new father: “I told you so!”

Sticking your tongue directly into an electrical socket — Better than watching Fox News.

A Classy Ending for a Classy Couple

Friday, March 30th, 2007

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have settled their divorce. TMZ reports:

Sources say that under the terms, K-Fed will walk away with around $1 million. As for their two kids, we’re told Britney and Kevin will have joint custody, sharing physical custody 50/50. The divorce will be final, with a judge’s signature, very soon.

It’s good to see them work things out. A long court battle would have done nothing for either one of them. Now they can each get on with their lives. Kevin can return to his used car dealership appearances; Britney to her crack-fueled hobo sex.

Aren’t happy endings divine?

An Incredibly Long Engagement

Wednesday, March 28th, 2007

After sending out mail advertisements across the globe, Bao Xishun, the world’s tallest man, has found his wife.  This is the second time Bao has made headlines in the last few months:

Bao was in the news in December after he used his long arms to save two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs.

Unfortunately, the average dolphin is several feet longer than Mrs. Xishun who was killed within minutes of the honeymoon.

Scientists Try to Process Latest Data From Aguilera/Bratman Union

Monday, March 26th, 2007

Christina Aguilera says husband Jordan Bratman likes to surprise her with gifts every so often to show how much he loves her:

“He’ll fill my room with balloons and I really won’t be expecting it. I’ll come into the room and there will be balloons everywhere and a card and my favorite chocolates all around. And I’m always sending cards when I can, just cute little love notes. He always leaves Post-Its by my bed when I wake up in the morning telling me how much he loves me. It might all sound gushy stuff, but it feels good. He is the best.”

Upon hearing this latest discovery, noted physicist Stephen Hawking said, “So you’re fucking tell me all it takes to bag Christina Aguilera are some balloons and Post-It notes!?!! God damn it. I knew I shouldn’t have ever became a scientist. Somebody wheel me to the oven. I want to stick my head in it.”

Nigeria’s Next Top Fatty

Wednesday, January 31st, 2007

Earlier this week on the Larry King Show a man purporting to be a Nigerian tribal king emailed in to ask guest Tyra Banks to marry him. The man, who went by the name of “Mbutu” was bothered by Banks constantly having to answer questions about her weight. He wrote:

“Why is Tyra worried about her weight? I would marry her as my queen.”

He added, “I have recently come into a vast fortune after the death of my father, his excellency King Mbuto Mbuto IV. Thus after our marriage I would transfer the sum of this fortune to Tyra’s bank account. She would need to send me a small amount of money so that I can set up an auxiliary account which will enable me to pay for the processing fees so that the transfer of funds could be expedited. Furthermore….”

Dita Vonts A Divorce

Tuesday, January 9th, 2007

Burlesque dancer Dita Von Teese has filed for divorce from rocker Marilyn Manson. Von Teese claims Manson’s incessant partying with Lindsay Lohan as one of the reasons for the split. A source told The Sun:

“She just had enough of his wild partying. Lindsay Lohan was ringing up the house wanting to come round and party with him. The phone would go all through the night, with people constantly turning up to hang out.”

Another reason for the split was that Manson’s drug use had made him paranoid, so much so that he was convinced their cleaner was out to kill him.

I don’t know what’s worse: Having Lindsay Lohan call you up to chat at 2:00 am, thinking your cleaner is going to kill you, or getting divorced from somebody named “Dita Von Teese.” Brian, you have our sympathies.

Mohr Loves Cox

Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007

To celebrate the death of Gerald Ford, comedian Jay Mohr married buxom actress Nikki Cox Friday:

Cox, 28, first met Mohr, 36, when he guest-starred on her show.

Mohr was a cast member on “Saturday Night Live” from 1993 to 1995, as well as the host of NBC’s “Last Comic Standing.”

This is the first marriage for Cox, who was previously engaged to comic Bob Goldthwait. Mohr was married to model-turned-actress Nicole Chamberlain from 1998 to 2004.

The couple says that if their first child is a daughter, they’ll name her Craven Mohr-Cox. Meanwhile, if they have a son, they’ll name him Phil Myasswith Mohr-Cox, which is odd since Myasswith is a girl’s name.

Dick Cheney’s Gay Daughter is Gay Pregnant

Wednesday, December 6th, 2006

You see! This is what happens when gay people start gay-talking about getting gay-married. You end up with a bunch of gay-pregnant gay people. Just look at Dick Cheney’s gay daughter Mary.

Who knows how they gay-did it, but they’ve somehow managed to gay-breed within the sexes. Now they’re gonna gay-have a bunch of gay-babies, and if human beings evolved (which they don’t!), they’d gay-start a whole new gay species of gay people.

Wake up, straight people! Do you wanna see your country turned into the United Gay States of Gaymerica? All this gay-baby-making is an affront to everything that Dick Cheney’s America stands for!

Sharon Stone is Small

Friday, December 1st, 2006

If you’re like most Americans, you spent last night tossing and turning unable to sleep as you obsessed about Sharon Stone’s position on marriage. Luckily, the Rosa Parks of twat-slips has spilled the beans so you can get some shut-eye:

I’m not big on marriage. But when I married before, the people I married were very big into marriage, supposedly. When I do something, I do it with a lot of determination. In the modern world, a lot of people get married like shampoo and a cream rinse. Like, ‘Let’s get married and let’s get divorced.’ And I can’t relate to that.”

Here are some things that Stone is big on:

  • Changing her wikipedia entry to say she won an Oscar for Catwoman
  • Eradicating boners
  • Photoshopping Brad Pitt into Nazi kiddie porn to blackmail him into starring in Basic Instinct 3
  • Luring children into her cottage made of candy

Ask Uncle Junky!

Wednesday, November 29th, 2006

Today, we inaugurate a new feature on Junkiness—it’s a chance for you, the readers, to send your pressing questions for elucidation by the Sagacious Sleuth of Salacious Scoops, Uncle Junky! Want to know who’s hot and who’s snot? Wondering which powerful Hollywood Jew killed your movie project? Need help sorting through the lies, damn lies, and nipple slips of the entertainment media? Uncle Junky’s on the case. Let’s begin!

Uncle Junky,

What gives with all the celebrities flashing their hoo-hahs for all the world to see lately? First that Hilton skank, then LiLo, and now that previous paragon of virginal (or vaginal) virtue, Brit-Brit—and three times in one week, no less! Is this the new coming-of-age ritual for starlets? Can pantiless pics of ScoJo or HilDuf or CondRice be far behind?

— Scarred in Scarsdale

Scarred, what you need to understand about Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears is that these women are whores. (more…)

Movie Rocked Rocker Rock, Causing Rockiness

Tuesday, November 28th, 2006

A day after Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson’s divorce was announced, word comes that the catalyst for the split was Anderson’s performance in the hit comedy Borat:

Her friend tells Page Six, “Bob started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, ‘You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut! How could you do that movie?’ – in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing.

When reached for comment, Rock said, “I just don’t see why she can’t make more classy movies like that one on the boat with Tommy Lee.”

Four Weddings and a Funeral

Monday, November 27th, 2006

No matter how many marriage ceremonies they went through, the union of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock just wouldn’t “stick.”

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have decided to end their four month marriage, Anderson’s rep has confirmed to Us. Both Anderson and Rock filed divorce papers, each citing “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for the split, although Anderson’s papers list the date of separation as November 21, while Rock’s papers claim it was November 26.

Four months? I guess we were wrong*. That’s a Hollywood success story. There’ll probably be a Meg/Tom RomCom chronicling their longterm love story released next Christmas.

*By “wrong” we mean “totally fucking right.” John Edward has nothing on us.


Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006

We’ve done it again. Somehow, Junkiness has scooped the world and come up with some exclusive footage of the infamous Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes “never-ending kiss” from their wedding ceremony in Italy (see here and here).

Even though the footage is a little blurry (that’s Katie in all white) you can clearly see the deep, passionate love between these two newlyweds, as Tom pulls her in and gets busy for all the world to see in this outdoor ceremony. Nobody who views this video can possibly doubt their motives for marriage.

See for yourself by clicking here.

Cigarette Dude’s Life Goes Up in Smoke

Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006

A Virginia man who dresses up as a giant, rapping cigarette to dissuade children from smoking has pled guilty to bigamy. Philip Dale Williams, more commonly known as “Douglas ‘Dude’ Cigarette” has been married to as many four women at the same time.

Williams’ fourth wife, Lashawn Stevenson, became suspicious earlier this year when her husband began receiving child support notices in the mail. When the couple wed in 2003, he told her he had never been married.

Williams will be sentenced in March and could receive as many as ten years in prison, where he hopes to trade himself for a couple of blow jobs and a shiv.

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