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Archive for the 'Nonsense' Category

Powell Endorsement Blows McCain Campaign

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008


McCain Mimes How Nancy Reagan Broke Her Pelvis

Thursday, October 16th, 2008


“Stella ain’t the only one who got her groove back!”

[pic via Farts, etc.]

Tony Danza on the Loose!

Tuesday, July 17th, 2007

The thrice-escaped convict shows French authorities who’s Boss.

Break Dancing: Has it Gone Too Far?

Saturday, June 23rd, 2007

JUNKINESS Exclusive: Scenes From New Harry Potter Film

Friday, June 22nd, 2007

The Goth Calling the Kettle Black

Thursday, June 21st, 2007

Marilyn Manson has lashed out at fellow goth-rockers My Chemical Romance for ripping off his look. Manson wrote a song detailing his frustrations entitled, “Mutilation is the Most Sincere Form of Flattery.”

“I’m embarrassed to be me because these people are doing a really sad, pitiful, shallow version of what I’ve done.”

This isn’t the first time Manson has used his songwriting talents to attack those he felt were copying him:

  • Yawny Cash: accuses Johnny Cash of stealing Manson’s idea to wear all black
  • Ground Control to Major Asshole: about how Bowie stole Manson’s idea to wear makeup
  • Evil-Pumpkin-Skeleton-bat-ghost-thing: accuses Halloween of stealing Manson’s idea to be scary.
  • Shamble in the Wind: Manson’s ode to Marilyn Monroe for stealing his name
  • Retardo Montalban: lashes out at Corky from “Life Goes On” for copying Manson’s demeanor.
  • Haris Pilton: thinly veiled tribute to the socialite who robbed Manson’s idea to be an annoying dumbfuck

JUNKINESS Exclusive!!!! Isaiah Washington’s New Series

Tuesday, June 19th, 2007

The Wrath of Caan

Friday, June 15th, 2007

Forbes released its Celebrity 100 list yesterday. Despite the fact that several of its honorees were featured in Ocean’s 13, including Brad Pitt (5), George Clooney (40), Matt Damon (52) and Oprah Winfrey (1), the film failed to bring in the box office chips or critical approval of its predecessors. Our theory: not enough Caan.

We highly recommend that Soderbergh produce an extremely Caan-centric Ocean’s 14, pronto.

Just kidding. Everyone knows it was the unprecedented lack of a Topher Grace cameo that sunk that ship.

BREAKING! Matty McNayNay’s In Trouble!

Wednesday, June 13th, 2007

He needs our help, America.

String Around the Posey

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007

Among other things, Actress Parker Posey doesn’t know if she’s in the next Superman movie.

“Oh I hope I’m in it. Yeah, we’ll see if I’m in it. I don’t know if I am. I just talked to one of the writers last night and I meant to ask him.”

“I also meant to ask him about these bruises,” she continued. “And, like, if he’s a big Hollywood writer, how come he’s sleeping under my stairs and eating cigarette butts? But I was too busy trying to figure out how to use this coffee cup to start my car.”

Unfortunately, the rest of Posey’s comments were unintelligble as she mistook a slice of pizza for a microphone.

Quick-Thinking Merkel Sucks Out Poison After Clumsy Bush Falls Into Nest of Vipers

Wednesday, June 6th, 2007


Speaker Speaks Out About What Was Spoken

Wednesday, June 6th, 2007


Andrew Speaker, the tuberculosis patient who set off an international health scare by flying on a commericial airline told lawmakers Wednesday that doctors told him he was not contagious:

CDC knew that I had it,’ Speaker said. ‘They were aware that I was going on my travels. Yes, I was told that Fulton County would prefer that I not travel, but I was also told I was not contagious, I was not a threat to anyone, there was no need to sequester me.’

Speaker then continued, “all they said was that my penis nose might frighten the ladies on board. That’s all.”

Speaker then sneezed and asked for a condom tissue.

Joe Don Baker Announces Bid for GOP Nod

Thursday, May 31st, 2007


The gruff, middle-aged character-actor has asked out of his Law & Order contract, paving the way for a White House run.

Death By Alf

Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

I could explain this, but would it make any difference?

One Less Passenger on the Crazy Train

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

Ozzy Osbourne’s newest album has been recorded without the help of drugs alcohol.

He says, “I always thought alcohol, smoking and weed cigarettes made me more creative, but it’s not true. They make you fall down.”

What he actually said was, “Ahh banways but anghhhagaag, pagsh gun weed cigarettes baby boy cleeaydle, guh gontrude. Dag fawdown.”

Close enough.

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