A surprise twist in an already surprising election, millionaire Thurston Howell, III, has publicly announced his support for Democratic candidate, Barack Obama.

A resident of Newport, Rhode Island and a Harvard graduate, Howell’s support of Obama’s campaign comes as a lethal blow to the McCain camp.

A McCain representative seemed unphased, stating, “It’s probably just because he’s black.”

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann takes McCain to school re: his hurt feelings over campaign mudslinging.

Olbermann makes Sam Kinison look like Steven Wright.

[Clip via WLAMTA]

“Stella ain’t the only one who got her groove back!”

[pic via Farts, etc.]

In last night’s Presidential debate against That One, McCain started off with a trademarked hospital-shout-out — this time to former First Lady Nancy Reagan, who is apparently healing her broken pelvis.

The Maverick just can’t help himself – he has a lot of friends in the hospital. I guess he’s just at that age.

Meanwhile, in the race for Plumberdent, a rising star took center stage.

I know what you’re thinking – a JUNKINESS post inviting you to “come in Paris” can only mean one thing. But rest your dirty minds, I’m actually suggesting Paris Hilton come to the table and lend her mindblowingly undeserved celebrity status to a cause close to her heart (or the place where her heart should be).

I’m talking about criminal justice and overzealous prosecution based on prejudice. Hilton and crew cried foul not so long ago when her drunk driving sentence was carried out to the letter of the law (sort of). And whether you hate her or love her or couldn’t give a shit if she lives or dies, you knew about her “plight.” Everyone talked about it, blogged about it — Larry King and Barbara Walters indian wrestled over the first exclusive interview. And Paris emerged with a bible in one hand and a promise to use her fame for good in the other. So far she’s paid it forward with some new hair extensions, a couple of bikinis and some surfing lessons; she’s not exactly Bono (or even Sally Struthers).

So we invite Paris to make good on her promises and lend some attention to this bullshit Jim Crow era insanity going on in Jena, Lousiana. Here’s the lowdown:

On September 1, 2006-the morning after 3 black students attempted to integrate Jena High School’s playground by sitting in the traditionally all white area under a tree–three nooses were left hanging from the tree’s branches.

Racial tension rose–a series of fights broke out around town, a white man pulled a sawed-off shotgun on black students at a convenience store (they wrestled it away from him), and someone burned down most of the school. When the boys who hung the nooses were caught and the superintendent brushed it off as a “harmless prank,” every black student in school crowded under the tree in protest.

The District Attorney was called into the school to end the protest. Flanked by police officers he held a pen in the air and told them all, “I can end your life with the stroke of a pen.”

On December 4th, another fight broke out at school [an injured white student was sent to the hospital, but released later that day with no serious injuries] and the DA charged six black students with attempted second-degree murder. He wrote an open letter to the students in the town’s only paper that “when you are convicted, I will seek the maximum penalty allowed by law.”

The six teenagers are facing 80-100 years in prison without parole. They range in age from 15-17 years old.

One of the biggest problem the teens are facing is a lack of awareness. Thankfully, that’s where someone like Paris can actually make a difference. So we invite Paris, and all the bloggers, news crews and papparazi who covered every second of her recent trial, sentencing and imprisonment, to take action before the sentencing on July 31.

Lending your celebrity status to a political issue that affects lives? That’s hot.

Larry Bird’s Johnson was found dead yesterday in a pair of shorty-shorts. The Celtic star’s penis and former First Lady will be remembered for its love of LBJ.

See if you can figure out what this rebus says before all remaining justice in the world dies:

 

Minus ”r”

(Hint: This is a picture of “COMMUTERS”

Further hint for Bush supporters: “COMMUTERS” – “R” = COMMUTES)

Answer: You were too late.

“… and whatcha gonna do about it, punks?

[Cross-posted from WULAD.]

Yesterday, Republican New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg dropped his affiliation with his party. On becoming an independent, Bloomberg said:

Although my plans for the future haven’t changed, I believe this brings my affiliation into alignment with how I have led and will continue to lead our City

Political insiders say that Bloomberg decided to leave the Republican Party upon learning that he was both a New Yorker and a Jew.

In yet another sign that the American system of government has gone deep down the rabbit-hole, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has cited the television show 24 as precedent in arguing for the legality of torture:

“Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. … He saved hundreds of thousands of lives,” Judge Scalia said. Then, recalling Season 2, where the agent’s rough interrogation tactics saved California from a terrorist nuke, the Supreme Court judge etched a line in the sand.
“Are you going to convict Jack Bauer?” Scalia challenged his fellow judges.

Following Scalia’s example, the Highest Court in the Land proceeded to hand down the following rulings utilizing the wisdom of television as a guide:

• Jesse’s addiction to “pep” pills noted in upholding stiff regulation of prescription drugs
• “B.J.” from B.J. and the Bear and “Boner” from Growing Pains cited in FCC/obscenity decision
• Cpl. Klinger’s zany cross-dressing cited in upholding constitutionality of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”
• Backward development of Mork’s son Merth noted before overturning partial-birth abortion ban (giant egg used as exhibit A)
• Papa Smurf’s benevolent leadership during vicious Gargamel/Azrael attack of ’85 cited in allowing suspension of habeus corpus
• Linda Hamilton’s relationship with the Beast detailed in reinstating anti-miscegenation laws
• That guy who played Murdock’s abuse of the holodeck to create erotic scenarios featuring Counselor Troi and Dr. Crusher used to justify internet pornography regulations
• Jewel’s hardships in Deadwood noted in ruling which allows stem cell research
• Geri’s triumphs in The Facts of Life noted in ruling which bans stem cell research
• Raj’s confession to Rerun that he had moved in on Dwayne’s girl in the “Hey Hey Hey” incident mentioned in allowing executive privilege to shield testimony
• Entire dissenting argument in Hamdi v. Rumsfeld found to be quoted from episode of Hogan’s Heroes
  
• Fonzie jumping the shark cited as evidence that the tradition of the rule of law in American jurisprudence has jumped the shark

When reached for comment in the afterlife, Justice Thurgood Marshall said, “The show’s had two black presidents. How much more obvious does it need to be that 24‘s a fantasy?”

Plagued by protests when he visits nearly every other European city (not to mention most American cities, Asian cities, African cities and South American cities), President Bush was greeted like a king when he arrived in Albania yesterday.

Military cannons boomed a 21-gun salute in his honor. Thousands of people jammed Skanderbeg Square in downtown Tirana, wearing Uncle Sam top hats in the sweltering heat, hoping to glimpse the presidential motorcade. The superlatives flowed so freely that Mr. Bush looked a tad sheepish when Prime Minister Sali Berisha proclaimed him “the greatest and most distinguished guest we have ever had in all times.”

In response to Bush’s uncharacteristic modesty, Prime Minister Berisha suggested that Bush would only be the greatest visitor until Avril Lavigne’s worldwide tour hit the historic Dunkin’ Donuts Arena in downtown Tirana for three dates in late July.

A newly-discovered letter from Abraham Lincoln to Union General George Meade was unveiled at the National Archives yesterday.

The letter, only a few lines long, does not offer new information, but it captures Lincoln’s strategic sense and fervent desire for the war to end.

The note reads, “Hey, Dillhole! Hurry up and finish off those slave-trading buttwipes so you can come chill in Omaha — I met this sweet underage chick named Virginia Wilkes-Booth and she’s totally into three-ways. Peace out, A-Link.”

The letter is also thought to include an invisible map on the reverse which gives clues to the location of Lincoln’s weed.

President Bush had to cancel some of his G8 conference meetings this morning due to a stomach illness. 

The aide said the suspicion is that Bush fell ill with “some sort of bug, probably more viral in nature” and that it likely was unrelated to anything he ate at the summit of eight industrialized democracies being held at this seaside resort.

The aide then disclosed some of the President’s more colorful expressions for gastric distress:

• Calling for a poop surge
• Asking what would Jesus spew
• Dealing with the cut and runs