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Archive for the 'Politics' Category

Pop Quiz: Offended Douchebag Edition

Friday, June 8th, 2007

son.jpgA fist fight broke out in the Alabama Senate when Republican Senator Charles Bishop punched Democratic Senator Lowell Barron.

Republican Sen. Charles Bishop said Democratic Sen. Lowell Barron called him a ‘son of a _________.’

Although the offending word was not printed, what do you think could have so enraged a Southern Republican? Being a called a “son of a” what?

a. Jew,

b. non-white minority, or

c. believer in evolution?

The correct answer is:

d. A son of a Bush.

Clinton Supporters: Niggardly In Q2

Thursday, June 7th, 2007

The Huffington Post has learned from sources close to both candidates that the Obama campaign will surpass the Clinton campaign in second quarter fundraising. “It’s a matter of pure mathematics,” an Obama fundraiser told HuffPost. “We had 104,000 donors in the first quarter; Clinton had 60,000. And while 75 percent of Hillary’s contributors had maxed out, only 50 percent of ours had. So we had had a lot more potential to grow — and we did.”

Now imagine he’s white.

Quick-Thinking Merkel Sucks Out Poison After Clumsy Bush Falls Into Nest of Vipers

Wednesday, June 6th, 2007

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Swag: Quotient Quotables Edition

Friday, June 1st, 2007

“Having watched an advance DVD of the first three hours, I can offer a mini-review: two thumbs up. Up my own eye sockets.” [Slate]

“If I get this in your glass, I am the ruler of the universe.” [The Sneeze]

“Giuliani, the most rat-faced and most-married of all the former mayors of New York, is now running for President on a platform that his advisers refer to as Operation Two-Faced Gay-Traitor, which is intended to convince national voters that clearly he will use any opportunity to seize power and then turn this country into a morally-pure fatherland united in opposition to both the filthy Arabs and anyone who doesn’t want to have sex with Judith Regan—a transformation he can effect in just under ten days, unless he’s too busy cheating on a wife or committing incest.” [Gawker]

… and most importantly:

“GO TO HELL!! DAMN HUMAN!!” [Engrish.com]

Joe Don Baker Announces Bid for GOP Nod

Thursday, May 31st, 2007

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The gruff, middle-aged character-actor has asked out of his Law & Order contract, paving the way for a White House run.

Bush: ‘We Must Fight Global Warming’

Thursday, May 31st, 2007

bushpodium.jpgIn a speech today, George W. Bush called for a serious effort to combat global climate change, seeking an agreement between the world’s top greenhouse gas producers to reduce emissions:

“The United States takes this issue seriously,” Mr. Bush said… “The United States will work with other nations to establish a new framework on greenhouse gas emissions for when the Kyoto Protocol expires in 2012.”

The president went on to say that after taking the lead on this crucial issue, his administration plans to tackle the following pressing concerns:

  • Strengthening the levees in New Orleans
  • Verifying intelligence about Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction
  • Improving air security around the World Trade Center
  • Using diplomacy to avoid a costly war in Vietnam
  • Bulletproofing Kennedy’s motorcade
  • Putting fire extinguishers on the Hindenburg
  • Warning Jesus that Judas don’t got His back
  • Making sure Barbara Bush takes her birth control pills in 1945

Cliff Clavin to Replace Wolfowitz as President of World Bank

Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

“We gotta provide more aid to Darfur, there, Normy.”

Welcome Back, Carter

Monday, May 21st, 2007

jimmy1.jpgJimmy Carter, America’s kindly great-uncle and energy-crisis mascot, found himself in political hot water over recent comments in which he suggested that the Bush administration was the “worst in history”–but the former president insisted his remarks were “careless or misinterpreted”:

Carter said Monday that when he made the comment, he was responding to a question comparing the Bush administration’s foreign policy to that of Richard Nixon. “And I think Richard Nixon had a very good and productive foreign policy and my remarks were maybe careless or misinterpreted,” Carter said.

To sum up, if you understood the remarks to mean that the Bush administration was not the worst in history, they were “careless,” but if you didn’t understand them to mean that the Bush administration was the worst in history, they were “misinterpreted.” In either case, the conclusion is clear: Jimmy Carter is a million years old.

In other news, the Bush administration is the worst in history.

By A Show Of Applause — All In Favor Of Murdering Pro-Choice Candidates?

Thursday, May 17th, 2007

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Bush Calls Press Conference to Show Off Manicure

Thursday, May 10th, 2007

Porno for Fire-Os

Wednesday, May 9th, 2007

Who likes Don Imus? Pornographers. That’s why Kick Ass Pictures is making a donation to Imus’ retirement fund each time you purchase the adult DVD named for the racist (and racy?) phrase he made famous.

[T]hey are releasing a new adult DVD tiled “Nappy Headed Ho’s.” They say $1 from the sale of each DVD will be donated to a retirement fund for fired Don Imus.

The film will feature “girls with closely twisted or curled hair (the dictionary definition of ‘nappy’), who have sex for money (the dictionary definition of ‘ho’).” This promises to be a great leap for society.

So great a leap, in fact, that other scandalized public figures have begun producing porno flicks to finance their own causes. Coming this fall to a DVD warehouse near you:

Major League Assholes: helping Haliburton match Cheney’s 401k contributions

Rude Thoughtless Little Pig Sluts: raising money for Alec Baldwin’s custody battle

Huggin’ The Tar Baby, Macaca Bukkake and Nubile, Nasty, and Niggardly: a triple feature in support of the Congressional Preservation of Antiquated Language and Kickball League

Isaiah Washington’s F–got Fuck Party: funding the Grey’s Anatomy star’s costly sensitivity rehab

Sugar Tits Fucks Lebanon (aka Passion of the Christkiller): proceeds go to the Mel Gibson Holocaust Memorial

Bush Implements Plan for Wall to Prevent Illegal Immigration

Monday, May 7th, 2007

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Swag

Thursday, May 3rd, 2007

Barack Obama has a bunch of white dudes following him around. When will this oppression end?

Gilmore Girls Square Off in GOP Debate.

George Bush hates laws against hate crimes.

There had to be a 24th shooter!

Spatula of Death: “the first and leading Antisocial Network.”

Swag

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007

The Decider upgraded to the Commander Guy; 15% pay raise granted.

What really happened on 4/29?

Former governor to become first ever gay priest?

Lindsay Lohan awaits day she’s finally old enough to drink.

RIP, N-word. 

Leaving Las White House

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007

bush_hands.jpgCelebrity fungus Ted Casablanca dropped a gossip bomb this week when he claimed that a certain First Lady (and five-time winner of “Washington’s Most Vacant Stare” Award) has moved out of a certain Pennsylvania Ave. residence, due to her VIP husband’s tumble off the wagon:

… Scuttlebutt being—according to prominent and knowledgeable Washington know-it-everythings—Laura moved into the ritzy Hay-Adams hotel, because she couldn’t stand Dubya’s drinkin’ no more.

Assuming this is true–and really, why would Ted Casablanca lie to us?–this leaves our Dumpee-in-Chief with an empty pad and some late-night time on his hands. Exactly how, you wonder, has our bachelor President been making the most of his new-found freedom?

  • Leaving wet towels on the floor of the dungeon
  • Playing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” with Tony Snow
  • Eating babies straight out of the can
  • Trying to unblock Cinemax from V-chip-controlled list; failing; masturbating to C-SPAN
  • Forcing Secret Service agents to form naked human pyramids, then photographing them for his Flickr page
  • Fixing Barbara and Jenna’s breakfast martinis all by himself
  • Routinely asking Condi Rice if she’s seen his “weapon of mass destruction”
  • Doing sake bombs… with real bombs
  • Not to point fingers, but Lynne Cheney’s girdles have all gone missing
  • Having to wash his own soiled and bloodstained underwear
  • Drunk-dialing Putin at 3am to ramble about what a whore Laura is, then sob about how she’s too good for a misunderestimable failure like him
  • As an awesome joke, pardoning Leonard Peltier and Mumia Abu-Jamal in the middle of the night and then unpardoning them five minutes later
  • Declaring a “War on Flossing”
  • Leaving the seat up on the Constitution
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