Here lies Junkiness
May 2006 – July 2007

The fashion mogul and chronic nag is dead at 78. No word yet on whether Leroy will attend the service.

Paris Hilton has already escaped prison after serving just a few days of her (already-reduced from 45) 23-day sentence. Medical reasons — that’s the bullshit excuse that will allow her to serve the rest of her term in the comfort of home. She’ll have to wear an ankle bracelet, but I’m betting it’s fucking Prada.

Steve Whitmore of the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s office said Hilton had been “reassigned” but he declined to identify her medical condition for privacy reasons.

We’re guessing she’s suffering from a bad case of getting her wittle feewings huwrt. Or a severe bologna sandwich allergy. Or maybe her Herpes is so bad the other prisoners asked to have her removed from the general population. Or she’s showing acute symptoms of My-Dad’s-A-Billionaire-itis that law enforcement officials could no longer ignore.

Seriously, though – we’re positive she was released early after impressing all the inmates with her winning smile and can-do attitude, and convincing them all to give up their lives of crime and do something for their communities, like she has.

The indie favorite and openly gay game show guest soon to be “blank”-ing up the daisies.

Stone Phillips, the lovable animatronic anchor of the hit televised cud-chewing “Dateline NBC,” is apparently stone fired:

NBC News is dropping … Phillips in a cost-cutting move when his contract expires at the end of June. “It’s been a wonderful 15 years,” Phillips said in a statement issued by NBC. “I’m profoundly appreciative of the many friends and colleagues, past and present, who have been a part of the ‘Dateline’ family.”

A source within NBC provided the following short list for Phillips’ replacement:

• Rock Longjohn
• Brick Hardslab
• Clash Concreed
• Slab Stonecrock
• Slate Slabstone
• Granite Rocksmash
• Dan Rather on Acid

Surf is once again up for Patrick Swayze — Point Break writer Peter Iliff is currently writing (and will be directing) Point Break 2!!!

For the sequel (which will be produced by the Singapore-based company RGM films for roughly $30 million), Iliff says it will pick up with Bodhi (Swayze’s character) on the run and hiding out in South-east Asia… As far as Reeves and Swayze go, Iliff says they’ve been contacted, but there’s no word on whether they’ll star; as of now, the plan is to cast Asian actors in the main roles.

This is the part where I make a “Point Bleak” joke that both describes my hopes for this film and insults its Asian stars at the same time.

The years of dieting and rumored stomach-stapling were apparently to no avail for the unfortunate Mrs. Jones-Reynolds.

The Newhart star and poor man’s Sanka was 85.

The former Russian leader was 76-years-young.

Tiny bubbles… in my grief.

“…what one person described as an Asian male…”

90s hair-metal rockers make surprise appearance.

Novelist Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., died last night in his home at age 84.

“I will say anything to be funny, often in the most horrible situations,” [said] Vonnegut [to] a gathering of psychiatrists.

To prove his point, Vonnegut unzipped his cardigan to reveal a Rutgers jersey with the words “Nappy-Headed Ho” printed on the back.