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Archive for the 'Wesley Snipes is black' Category

Lawsuits Are Slimming

Thursday, May 24th, 2007

_41843332_knightly_getty_1.jpgKeira Knightly, the future star of Pirates of the Caribbean 9, has won a libel lawsuit against a magazine that called her excessively skinny.

Kate Wilson, lawyer for the paper’s publishers Associated Newspapers, said they apologized for the distress and embarrassment caused by the article.

In related news, Kate Wilson was disbarred today for being the worst lawyer of all time. Thereafter, she apologized. 

A Junkiness Editorial: The Time Is Now

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007

Genocide rages on in Darfur, major legislation designed to end the war in Iraq has just been vetoed, and restrictions on partial birth abortions have been held to be constitutional. In response, Junkiness takes a break from its inspired hilarity to weigh in on an issue facing so many Americans: which testicle is cooler? The right or left?

No one likes admitting they play favorites. “I like you both, the same,” we’re supposed to say. But let’s face it. The right testicle is better than the left. I’m sorry. It just is.

Any biology website will confirm for you that testicles are not the same. The left one actually hangs a little lower than the right. Why? Because it’s lazy, that’s why. The left testicle is the slouching cousin in the family photo. It’s Phil Lesh in the Jerry Garcia interview about moving society forward. It’s Shaggy’s adam’s apple in Scooby Doo.

They’re not the same size either. The left’s slightly larger. Indeed, some might attribute its lower hanging status to its increased mass, but that’s a cop out. It’s not about physics. It’s about attitude. The left testicle is throwing its weight around. Like the high school bully who’s so intimidating that the homeroom teacher doesn’t mark him late. Like your prepubescent memories of your phys ed teacher. The left testicle is Aaron Neville’s bicep.

But for all its posturing, is the left testicle any better than the right when it comes to functionality? No. A man can father a child with only his right testicle. So what’s the big deal left testicle? Why you got to be all that?

And you know what else? If you get kicked in the crotch, the left testicle always hurts more. Always. I’m not making this up. The left testicle is a big whiny baby. It’s the losing bachelorette. It’s George W. Bush during the first Kerry debate. The left testicle is Nancy Kerrigan moments after the smack down. But the right testicle is NOT Tanya Harding. The right testicle is the ice pack on her knee, saying, “Hey, babe. Pull it together. This is the Olympics.”

We apologize for this departure in a our web content, but we felt compelled to speak. No longer can this nation be oppressed by the tyranny of the left testicle in the interest of equity and political correctness. Tell your left testicle, or a friend’s left testicle, that the jig is up. Everything else can wait. Don’t worry. Wesley Snipes will still be black tomorrow. It’s as inevitable as John McCain dying of cancer or Steven Dorff eating Ramen noodles for dinner tonight. The time to act is now.

Starpulse.com Scoops Us All, AGAIN!

Tuesday, April 10th, 2007

Attention all entertainment-based gossip websites: you can all go the fuck home. Starpulse scooped all your sorry asses again! Check today’s headline:

Jason Priestley Had Trouble Finding Work After ’90210′

Seriously, people. You’ve got to learn to dig for those stories. Go behind the scenes. Learn the things no one else knows. And then report on it. Well, we here at Junkiness are not going to ride your same sloth train to slacker hell. Junkiness proudly breaks the following Hollywood headlines:

  • Steven Spielberg Has Made Many Successful Movies
  • Many Producers Pursue Sequel Possibilities To Box Office Hits
  • Steven Dorff Has Never Met a Hobo He Wouldn’t Dry-Hump
  • Wesley Snipes is Black
  • Woody Allen to Cast Attractive Leading Lady In Next Film
  • Anna Nicole’s Baby Fathered By Some Jackass Larry Birkhead Some Jackass

Madonna Bans Daughter From Dating in Bizarre Sociological Experiment

Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

The sexually provocative material girl has banned her daughter from dating until she’s old enough to go to college.

Madonna, whose own sex life has been well documented, insists that there won’t be any boys in daughter Lourdes’ life till the time she’s legally an adult, and at the age to go off to college.

“No boys for her (Lourdes) until she turns 18. She`s a good girl, though,” Contactmusic quoted her, as saying.

Social scientists have long theorized that girls from repressive homes grow up to be sexually promiscuous, and Madonna has vowed to help them with their research. Of course, little Lourdes might also grow up to be a whore simply because her mother is Madonna.

In related news, Wesley Snipes is making his kids wait until they’re 18 to be Black, and Clay Aiken announced his future adopted kids will have to wait until they’re 18 to lie about their sexual orientation.

Stephen Dorff’s kids won’t be famous, either. They won’t even be kids. They’ll be puppets made out of ham. Used ham.

Another Day, Another Hollywood Couch Deflowered

Thursday, January 25th, 2007

Who knew how right-on Billy Bob Thornton was when he compared celebrity boning to fucking a couch?!! According to an autobiography excerpt leaked to Radar online, former teen dream Scott Baio is just as familiar with the art of sofa-”Zapping.”

On losing his virginity at the age of 16 to Happy Days co-star Erin “Joanie” Moran: “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say after we got naked. So for the first five minutes, maybe less–hell, it might have been the first twenty seconds–I’m doing it and thinking, man, this is really uncomfortable. What happened was, my thing was between the cushions on the couch and I didn’t even know it. Instead of being inside Erin, I was humping a corduroy sofa!

Upon further investigation, our sources revealed that rampant celebrity furniture-raping has been going on for some time.

* Wesley Snipes admits that in his experience, once your white leather chaise lounge goes black, it never goes back.

* Dustin “Screech” Diamond has video proof of the time he donkey punched a matching set of recliners.

* A scene in Dakota Fanning’s new film depicts a horrific molestation by her character’s uncle/barstool.

* Stephen Dorff swears he got to sixth base with that bean bag chair that used to be in your den.

Sun Comes Up, Britney Flashes Twat, Wesley Snipes Stays Black

Thursday, November 30th, 2006

Someday, when my son is old enough to understand words like “spent honey pot” and “washed-up pop whore,” I’ll tell him about what life was like before Britney Spears exposed her bare vagina at least once a day. It’ll probably go something like this:

Me: Son, stop playing spaceball with your hologram robot and come over here.

Son: What is it, pop?

Me: I wanted to tell you a story about the olden days.

Son: You mean before the benevolent mutant cyber-goats took over?

Me: Yes, my boy, long before that.

Son: And before President Osment saved the world by eradicating spaghetti-pox?

Me: Yes, even before that. Son, believe it or not, before you were born we weren’t bombarded with images of Britney Spears’s downstairs garage door.

Son: Attorney General Britney Spears?

Me: Yes, son, the one and only.

Son: Gosh, pop, why didn’t anyone stop her?

Me: I’m afraid the folks in my generation were just too darned selfish. We weren’t thinking about our children and our children’s children.

Son: Or your children’s children’s dino-clone-bots?

Me: Precisely. If only we’d known then what we know now. I just want to say I’m sorry, son.

Son: It’s too late for sorry, pop.

With that, Son aims his bionic-tentacle at me and liquifies me with a single laser-beam shot.

Only Their Mother Can Tell Them Apart

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006

Evolution experts, laboratory reports and Schwarzenegger films have confirmed that human beings will eventually be split into two categories of species: hot, sexy giants and ugly, retarded elves.

The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative. They would be a far cry from the “underclass” humans, who will have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.

Scientists will base future species classification solely on results compiled at AmIHotOrNot.com.

[W]ithin a thousand years, humans will evolve into coffee-coloured giants between 6 and 7ft tall. But centuries of sexual selection – being choosy about one’s partner – was likely to create more and more genetic inequality.

This came as fantastic news to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, whereas Sean and Sutton Spears-Federline were less than enthused.

Other predictions included: Racial differences will be ironed out by interbreeding, producing a uniform race of coffee-coloured people.

Please, Wesley Snipes, wherever you are, tell us, who will we bet on?!!

Prisoner 57

Tuesday, October 17th, 2006

Wesley Snipes may advise you to “Always bet on bl-ax evasion,” but the Hollywood Wildcat has recently been indicted on eight counts of fraud by the IRS.

Federal prosecutors said that Snipes fraudulently claimed refunds totaling nearly $12 million in 1996 and 1997 on income taxes already paid. The indictment also charged him with failure to file returns between 1999 and 2004.

Snipes faces a maximum of 16 years in prison. [He] has not been arrested because authorities don’t know where he is, the IRS said.

It looks like Blade has been riding the Money Train into the Rising Sun, while the U.S. Marshals reach their Boiling Point chasing his Disappearing Acts all over the map, from Down in the Delta to New Jack City.

Asked to comment on his whearabouts, one investigator stated, “This [lack of] address changes all the rules.” Then, for no apparent reason added, “To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.”

Book Claims President Bush is a Politician

Thursday, October 12th, 2006

Tempting Faith, a new book by David Kuo, former Special Assistant to the president and Deputy Director of the Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives, claims that President Bush and Co. may not be as sincere as they claim when it comes to their deep empathy for the needs of their far-right evangelical base.

Now, as the Foley cover-up has many evangelical Christians wondering whether the G.O.P. is really in sync with their values, “Tempting Faith” provides the answer: No way.

Wow! This really is a stunning revelation. Can you imagine the shock waves that would ripple through Washington if it does come to light that the President uses the influence of a group of powerful people for his own political benefit? I mean, who could have seen that coming?

This is truly the most stunning piece of news since the tell-all unauthorized biography, Ebony and Ebony, alleged that Wesley Snipes may be of African descent.

Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Mutilated Nipple

Monday, October 2nd, 2006

This image has been slathered all over the blogosphere purporting to be a nip-slip by Pamela Anderson-Rock. Yes, it looks like she has a spoiled batch of ham salad on her chest, but if you ask us, this image was photoshopped. After all, the zoomed-out images don’t match the zoomed-in images. Which all leads to the question: Photoshopping a nipple on Pam Anderson? WTF?

That’s like photoshopping pigment on Wesley Snipes.

It’s like photoshopping lifelessness on Kate Bosworth.

It’s like photoshopping Down’s-syndrome eyes on Laura Bush.

Meanwhile, are P-Rock and Sco-Jo on some sort of a team together? Developing…

Fun fact: At 39 and 21, respectively, Pam is old enough to be Scarlett’s mother. At the very least, Scarlett is young enough to be Anna Nicole Smith’s dead daughter.

Sun Comes Up, LiLo Flashes Twat, Wesley Snipes Stays Black

Tuesday, September 12th, 2006

WWTDD is running yet another photo of Lindsay Lohan with her vagina exposed.

You know, it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that she’s an unrivaled whore. After all, at this point, I’ve seen Lindsay’s bare genitals more times than I’ve seen my own. But the truth is, she has an agenda that she’s shrewdly pushing.

Only Lindsay Lohan could show off her poon so many times that we all start hoping the new pictures are photoshopped fakes. We actually don’t want to see her naked anymore. It’s only a matter of time before she destroys celebrity nudity forever.

Either that or her pussy’s so rife with disease that the cool open air against it is the only thing keeping her from debilitating pain.

The image can be found after the jump… if you dare.


Monday, September 11th, 2006

Weatherman videos are the new barrels of monkeys.

Meat Loaf hates singing almost as much as you hate listening.

A Slovak man was caught having auto-sex in his car. Or was he having auto-sex by himself?

A New York woman won a million dollars in the lotto for the second time in four years, earning herself the title of The Cuntiest Cuntastic Cunty-Cunt in the Whole Wide Cunt-Cunt-Cunt.

An actor who co-starred with Paris Hilton in a new movie says she’s annoying and untalented. All this and more in the latest issue of Wesley Snipes is Black Weekly.

After a recent post about plus-size porno queen Doris Ozmun we were inundated with visitors searching for anything Doris Ozmun-related, Doris Ozmun-esque or Doris Ozmun-ish. With that in mind, we’d be remiss if we didn’t share this link to a website featuring dirty pictures of Doris Ozmun. (Not Safe for Work Eyes)

I Know Who Wesley Snipes Is Betting On

Thursday, August 24th, 2006

The new season of Survivor is attempting to answer the question plaguing the Ku Klux Klan for decades. Who’s better: Blacks, whites, Latinos or Asians? We’ll soon know when the four ethnic groups are divided into tribes and left to survive on the Cook Islands this season.

Host Jeff Probst says the idea “actually came from the criticism that Survivor was not ethnically diverse enough.” He says the twist fits in perfectly with what Survivor does, saying the show is “a social experiment. And this is adding another layer to that experiment.” The castaways include a police officer, a heavy metal guitarist, an attorney and a nail salon manager.

Survivor plans to continue the social experiment in upcoming seasons, pitting cowboys against Indians, jocks against nerds, gays against fundamentalist Christians, David Lee Roths against Sammy Hagars, puppets against muppets, hamburgers against hotdogs and hippies against me.

Pass the conch shell, Piggy.

Almost Always Bet on Black

Tuesday, August 1st, 2006

While he may be your first choice when looking for a half human, half vampire hero, you may not want to “let it ride” on the Wesley Snipes money train.

United Talent Agency sued the Blade star for more than $2 million Monday, alleging that Snipes failed to pay the full commissions he owes the company for securing him parts in the third Blade movie and in three other films. UTA charges that Snipes collected $13 million for Blade: Trinity and has only paid the agency $716,690 of the $1.3 million the two parties agreed upon.

Snipes’ agents became suspicious that their share was lighter than usual when they witnessed Woody Harrelson driving a brand new Rolls Royce made out of hemp. Harrelson did not admit to receiving any monies from Snipes, however, hinting that he paid for his new car by hustling playground basketball players.

Meanwhile Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds have almost finished the tuna half-sandwich they were each paid for their roles in Blade: Trinity.


Monday, July 31st, 2006

The funniest, most depressing telling of The Aristocrats ever.

Mel Gibson and his pure, God-blessed, Aryan blood have entered rehab.

Coming soon to NewsMax.com: Is Wesley Snipes Black?


Some jerk went and ruined basement cosmetic surgery for the rest of us.

Finally a distraction from the wars in the Middle East.

How about some cool trailers?
The Prestige
Stranger than Fiction
The Fountain
Children of Men

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